It's time to break up. Winter, I am so over you!

Dear Winter,

Although the beginning of our relationship seemed to start off fresh and magical, I’m sad to say my feelings have changed. I remember the way your snow twinkled in the air and swept me off my feet, and how your soft flakes gently caressed my face, but I am now realizing that I was completely delusional during that period of time. Like the snow blowing through the air, love floats; and this love my dear Winter, has taken a high speed tornado track to disappointment and grief.

I know it’s not your fault, you’re just being yourself by dropping ice and sleet in an effort to freeze the land, but I’m afraid my heart has frozen along with it and I just cannot go on. You have turned me into a cold hearted woman these past few days and I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel (although if I did, I’d run to that beam of sunshine and let it ravage my body with it’s heat and start a hot and sultry affair right then and there....)

You see my dear Winter, once again you have turned out to be a disguise, a mirage. You paint a pretty picture of frosty innocent snow and glowing fires, but then you piss all over it with your muddy tire flaps and dead end roads. We have a total lack of communication and I’m tired of trying to pound my point into your thick frozen skull. You exhaust my soul. My windshield wipers are mere icicles flapping back and forth, and like the slow tick tock of my heart, I just can’t move past the blurry mess of what we have become...

You and I? We’re so not meant to be. You’re just not hot enough for me. You have turned vicious and cold and you’re taking me down with you. I am my own person damn it and you cannot, and will not change me.. I’m a beach bunny, not an ice princess and you’ll never change that. It’s like we live in two different worlds and neither one of us can compromise. So take you’re cute little snowmen and you’re mountains of slush and snow and get the hell out of my life. I don’t want to see you attempt to fix this with your damn snow plows or fancy little colored lights strung all over the land. Because in the end? I’m just not putting up with your drama anymore. What started off soft and sweet always turns rough and sour at the end with you and so I’m not falling for you ever again. This is it. This is me kissing your frozen ass good-bye.

Fa-la-la-la-la-la
Ta-ta Ta-ta :-)

Me

Pajama Jeans: The new craze or totally crazy?

I cannot even believe I just watched a commercial advertising this so called “pajama jean” that’s supposed to be stylish and sexy yet feel like you’re wearing pajamas.

Sexy and stylish? I’m so confused here! These things look like leggings with pockets sewn on the the back. It has a baby blanket soft lining, no buttons or zippers, and a cute boot cut flare. Only thing is, they’re not cute. I didn’t see one flattering rear end in that commercial. It claims to flatter every figure but yet it comes in a 3XL. Hmmm.... Oh! And if you order now you get a free grey crew neck (looks like a hanes undershirt) to complete your new look! Better hurry up and order!!

The commercial says you can go to the store in them, pick up your kids from school in them, and travel with them! Can’t you do that with regular jeans? I mean, all my jeans are comfy or I wouldn’t wear them! The commercial shows a woman with an arched back laying on her bed trying to zip up her regular pair of jeans, grunting and moaning with a big huge button indentation on her belly. That’s a size problem, not a jean problem! I laughed out loud.

Question: Do people really buy these pajama jeans? If so, where in the hell have I been? Oh, and WHY? These are like Mom jean/ sweat pants with a denim fabric- elastic waistband- wha-huh? I just do not get this! OK, so am I missing something here? Is this the hot new twist in fashion? (The commercial said it is, so I’m curious).

However, if someone has ordered this and loves the product than I’m happy for you and I want you to come over to my house wearing them so I can see this amazing product for myself!

No really, if this is a product that is seriously taking off than I really need to watch more commercials so I can be more fashion forward!! Or perhaps I could design a slipper stiletto and make my millions...

www.pajamajeans.com Enjoy.

The Minnesota Meltdown

Just a little "vent" I wrote about Winter, particularly that of a Minnesota one. The never-ending, I'm freezing my ass off, please light a fire and sit me on top of it type of coldness that chills my bones when the winter air lays itself on my world gets me a little bit itching for Summer, right about NOW. Happens every December....I'm already OVER IT :)

Minnesota Meltdown

Oh how graceful the snow does fall
Ice melts on my tongue as I catch them all,
I breathe in the wild Winter’s air
as crystal white stars drop onto my hair.

Blankets of white silk drape across the land
renewing the earth and freezing the sand
Cold white frosting drips from the trees,
Snow angels slide from hands to knees.

The dark sky twinkles with shivering light
A moon hangs low in a star lit night
It’s peaceful and sweet without demand,
Oh how I love this Winter Wonderland....



I’m freezing now and my toes are numb,
I live in Minnesota, man am I dumb!
I don’t have money for damn snow boots,
and I can’t walk in no damn snow suit!

I want my sunshine! Come back to me!
This snow white skin is not hap-py
My car seats are cold and my face is dry,
Where the hell is that damn snow plow guy?!

You drivers suck, get out of my lane,
It’s snow, not bullets, that are falling like rain.
Get a sled or get off the highway,
And why the f#*k am I stuck in my driveway?!

I don’t like wool and these mittens are shit,
My toes are ice and their polish is chipped
My neck is cold and the veins are blue,
Wear a turtle neck? No thank you!

My ears are numb, but the muffs look ridick
Where the hell is my de-icer shit?
My hair is big ball of static, don’t touch it!
Take that stocking cap and shove it!

Kidnap me please and take me to Cali,
I want to bask in the sun and smoke in the valley.
I dislike snow skis and ice skates too,
I just want to swim in a pool of bright blue.

Take me away, far far from here,
Let the sun toast my ass and bring me good cheer.
I want to bask in some rays and lay in the sand
F*#k this cold Winter Wonderland!

It’s up and down the mood swing ride
Like a one horse sleigh with a psychotic glide,
I’m laughing, I’m whining, spinning round and round,
A classic victim of the Minnesota Meltdown....

~20 Fa la la la lovely things about Winter~

I’m sitting her with hot cocoa in hand, watching the snow fall softly outside my window. A voice on my answering machine rambles on about a snow emergency while a blast of heat whirs ‘round my feet, and I believe I can officially say, “Winter is here!” Blinding white and coming down like cotton balls, I honestly do find some beauty in the sticky white fluff that clings so gracefully to the trees, of course before it’s been touched and destroyed by muddy tires and dirty exhaust. It’ll be just a matter of time before I’m bitching about it and I contemplate why the hell I live here, but for now, while I’m still feeling the freshness of something new and seeing the silky white blankets lay so innocently across the rooftops, I have decided to look on the sunny side (after all, it will return in forms of blue skies and bright rays)...

OK, so 20 great things about Winter is what I titled this right? (This may take all day, but I’m feeling optimistic)Alright then, here goes:

1.) If it weren't for the icy cold blow of a Winter wind, we could never truly appreciate the warm sweetness of a Summer breeze.

2.) Fuzzy things feel good when it's cold out, such as furry socks and fluffy blankets, bathrobes, and things of that nature.

3.) Ho! Ho! Ho! Who doesn’t like Santa Claus?! Although, I get a little leery when the old guy still wants me to sit on his lap. Hmmm....

4.) Decorating the Christmas tree! Strings of popcorn, the smell of pine, and bright lights...can’t go wrong with that!

5.) Christmas Cookies. I love to bake and Holidays give me all the more reason to :)

6.) Hot chocolate = YUM, throw in some Bailey’s and a little whip cream and I get happy really quick.

7.) Hot bubble baths, simply because they feel much better when it’s cold outside and they turn my ice cubed toes into warm little piggies again.

8.) Shopping!! Christmas is the season for a bargain shopper. Sales galore. My heart just sped up a tad as this excited me deeply. The color red, decorated store windows, shiny shopping bags, holiday make-up lines, cinnamon spice candles, peppermint lotions, oh I just can't wait to get out there!

9.) Which brings me to: The AFTER CHRISTMAS SALES. Yahoo! My fingers danced across the keyboard on this one.

10.) Darkness. Um, let’s see, if I’m trying to look on the bright side of this, I’d say it’s good because we get more sleep? Because we get more use out of our headlights? Because we don’t have to use sunglasses? Whatever, I miss the sunshine and can’t lie.

11.) Paper snowflakes! A sheet of paper and a scissors can make for some mighty fine decorations.

12.) Soul Food. Every time it gets cold out I crave hot comfort food. There’s a certain excitement that comes along with the smell of a pot roast or a hot bowl of chili on a Winter’s night.

13.) The kids think Santa’s elves are watching them! The desire to get Christmas presents is so great for a child that everything they do from now ‘til Christmas is revolved around this one anticipation. They will do everything necessary to ensure they wake up to a bunch of gifts under the tree....“Better brush your teeth, Santa’s watching and he doesn’t give gifts to kids that don’t brush their teeth.” “Take a bath or Santa won’t bring you presents.” “I bet Santa saw you make that mess and now you’re on the naughty list. I bet if you pick up your toys he’ll still bring you those presents. “ White lies are as pure as the white snow right? Gotta love it.

14.) Holiday Parties! Put a bunch of friends and family together, add some food and wine, and no one cares about the ice cold weather outside! Alcohol makes everything better in general, people laugh more, dance more, and overall just seem brighter, so cheers to drinking during the cold shit.

15.) Fire. The smoke and crackle of a real fireplace will always be one of my favorite childhood memories of Winter. I miss this dearly!

16.) Hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks and warm apple pie. These two things are a MUST during the snowy season.

17.) Tall boots. OK so I don’t own a pair of boots actually fit for skiing down a slope, or even for shoveling (but why would I need that?) I’m talking about the sexy high heeled boots that I only allow out in Winter. They’re not “snowman building proof” but they get plenty of playtime on the dance floor.

18.) Wish lists and presents! The joy of giving warms my heart and the anticipation of ripping open a brightly colored package is always a happy thing. I love shopping for presents, wrapping presents, giving presents, and receiving presents.

19.) The smell of the air. I don’t know if anyone notices this like I do, but when the air gets cold, it smells different. Like a wisp of freshly chopped wood, smokey, but crisp. It makes me want to take a deep inhale through my nose and say “Aaaahhhh.” Anyone who knows me has seen me do this on more than one occasion.

20.) Gratefulness. The cold Wintry wind always makes me appreciate the things I have and awakens a fresh gratitude towards my life. While the cold snow blows, I am still warm inside. I have a cozy house with flickering candles and a warm bed to sleep in. I have warm socks on my feet and a steady fire in my heart, so the cold may come and go, but on the inside, it all stays the same.

** Stay tuned, for in a couple weeks I’ll probably write a blog titled “The 20 things I despise about Winter”

Oh look! A new skincare line! JUST what the world needs....

OMG every time I turn around, someone is coming up with the next best line of skincare and honey, I am oVer it! Cindy Crawford and Heidi Klum, you know I love you, but really? You had perfect skin before you came up with the skincare lines that are popping up on HSN and shining on the infomercials. Just admit that someone agreed to pay you massive amounts of $$ to say that “this” is the product that makes you gorgeous. And enough with the reality starts suddenly acting like they’ve come up with the perfect solution to erase wrinkles and fade age spots. I call BULLSHIT. And you Kardashian sisters? You claim to have lost weight with a certain “pill” suddenly and you know that your body image on the bottle is totally photo-shopped to perfection. Do you think I don’t see your badonka-donk in US weekly? (which, by the way Kim and Khloe, looks just fine in my opinion). Oh, and KIM? I watch your show; I saw that you had Botox, so this so called “perfect skin” line you are now selling? Um….does it come with needles? I love you girls, don’t get me wrong, but enough already! Yes, I heard that you now have a Kardashian pre-paid credit card as well, but honey, I am not buying’ it….

YES. I too want to look young and fabulous and I want the skin of a 20 year old, but let’s face the facts…it just isn’t going to happen. I am a fool. I have purchased multiple lines of skincare that claim they’re “better than Botox” and can give me glowing silky skin in a bottle. Guess what? They don’t work and I’m sick of being suckered! There is not a bottle in the world than can bring back your youth (even though it was called, youth in a bottle). I tried creams, lotions, serums, masks—you name it and it has been on my face. Hydroxatone was the new hype in magazines and TV, so I bought it of course. Save your $$. You’re welcome. Oh, and the whole dremu oil craze that comes from the flightless bird the emu? I bought that too, and it left my skin greasier than a pan of bacon. Of course I did ProActive…well duh all the stars use it so it MUST work. It doesn’t. Actually, it GAVE me acne. I went so far as getting laser treatments on my face and guess what? Nothing changed except the fact my face felt like it got sucked up by a vacuum of fire and I threw $2000 down the toilet. I am DONE. I am going to drink tons of water, which is free, and wear my damn sunscreen to savor the clear skin I have left and I am going to put all the money I spend on these stupid skincare lines into a big old jar that says “Botox Fund” and call it a day.

Chocolate Looooove

Chocolate Loooove

Obviously my love for chocolate goes without saying, but since it is “National Chocolate Day” I decided to do a little research on the benefits of consuming this fabulous piece of melted heaven. By the way I did acknowledge this holiday by indulging on: Reese Peanut butter cups, M&Ms (plain and peanut), Twix bar, whoppers, a Hershey’s bar, and a good old cup of hot chocolate. Ok, so I eat that much chocolate every day…but whatever, as I was saying, the benefits are:

1.) It tastes good, so it makes people happy.
2.) It lowers blood pressure (probably because it tastes good, therefore relaxing the mind)
3.) It lowers cholesterol (by 10%)
4.) It stimulates endorphin production, which gives a feeling of pleasure. Chocolate body paints anyone?
5.) It contains serotonin, which can be an anti-depressant (probably because it tastes good, so it makes you happy)
6.) It contains caffeine for that extra “lift” during the day.
7.) Chocolate could melt a girls heart and say “I love you” without speaking a word (well, for me anyway)
8.) It tastes really good when you’re pissed off because eating it makes you feel better.
9.) It tastes really good if you’re happy, it can at times be euphoric.
10.) It makes life worth living on the days when you just want to say f*#k it.

Ok, so never mind the fact that they say to only have dark chocolate and to skip the nougat and avoid the milk, because, well, that’s just taking the fun out of it. I would live in a candy house with chocolate walls and a whipped cream roof if I could. I am whole heartedly, without a doubt, a chocolate lover. Oop- my fudge is ready for my ice cream now, gotta run…

For the love of pumpkins....

Every time the colors begin to change on the trees I start to crave pumpkin! Since I love to bake, I thought I’d share a few of my favorite recipes for you fellow pumpkin lovers. Every year, certain things MUST be made and here are a few:

Chocolate Lover’s Pumpkin Bread

½ c. butter ½ tsp. salt
1 c. sugar ½ tsp. nutmeg
2 eggs ½ tsp. ginger
¾ c. canned pumpkin ½ tsp. cloves
1 ¾ c. flour ¾ c. chocolate chips
1 tsp. soda ¾ c. walnuts, chopped (if you feel like a nut, cuz sometimes I don’t)
1 tsp. cinnamon
Set oven to 350.

Cream the butter, sugar, and eggs. Add the pumpkin. Add the dry ingredients, chocolate chips, and nuts (if you desire). Put it into a greased loaf pan and bake for 45 minutes to an hour.
** Put some butter on it while it’s warm and your mouth will have an orgasmic explosion of chocolicous pumpkin that is fan-frickin-tastic.

Gingered Pumpkin Soup
(Yes, pumpkin soup is delicious….and so easy to make)

1 tbsp. butter
2 15- ounce cans pumpkin
2 14- ounce cans chicken broth
1 cup half and half
¼ cup maple syrup
2 tsp. grated fresh ginger (or ¼ tsp. ground ginger if you’re lazy)
Salt
Ground black pepper
Brown sugar (optional, but I love)

In a large Saucepan melt the butter over medium heat. Stir in pumpkin, broth, half-and-half, syrup, and ginger. Bring to a boil for a second or two. Season and garnish as you wish. This tastes really good if you’re under a furry blanket and watching Sex and the City re-runs FYI.

Pumpkin Cheesecake to-die-for

2 pkg. PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, softened
½ cup canned pumpkin
½ cup sugar
½ tsp. vanilla
½ tsp. ground cinnamon
Dash of cloves
Dash of nutmeg
2 eggs
1 HONEY MAID Pie Crust (6 oz)
Real whipped cream (or use cool whip if you’re lazy)

Preheat oven to 350.

Beat cream cheese, pumpkin, sugar, vanilla, and spices in lrg. bowl with electric mixer on medium speed until blended. Add eggs and beat until blended.
POUR into crust.

Bake 40 min. or until the center is almost set. Cool. Refrigerate 3 hrs. or so. Top with whipped cream—lots of it of course. I like to whip my cream and add a 1/3 or more cup of confectioners’ sugar, or sprinkle in some brown sugar and a dab of vanilla. OMG it’s so good I must make this soon!

I can't believe summer's over!!

“I can’t believe summer’s already over!” It’s the same thing I say every year and every year I vow to do all the things next summer that I didn’t get a chance to do this summer. It’s like the second it gets to 60 degrees, high hopes arise of all desires I crave to satisfy in the summer heat. Then, like the blink of an eye, the cold air hits again and I feel like my dreams of sunshine have somehow slipped through my fingers like a fist full of sand. What in the hell did I do all summer anyway? I can’t never even remember! I sure as hell can make a fine list of all things I swore I was “going” to do, but never seemed to find the time to.

Here they are:

1.) Eat corn on the cob. This summer, I NEVER rubbed hot corn in butter and dug my teeth in to it. This makes me want to cry like a little baby.
2.) Go to the pool. I’m talking about the one a few blocks from our house at the park. It’s a simple little kiddy pool that I pictured taking Landon to every weekend. NEVER HAPPENED. The last time I saw the pool it was warm outside and I was waiting for it to open. Now it’s closed already.
3.) Go to The Water Park. Again, this is a block from our house. It has big water slides, huge fake trees that shoot out water, and nice cozy lounge chairs. It’s closed and I’m kicking myself.
4.) Go on a boat. I NEVER got on a boat this SUMMER! I know. Can you believe it?! Well, I did take a pontoon ride to a luau, but that was a couple weekends ago and I was wearing mittens and a blanket, so that doesn’t count if there is not a bikini top and sunglasses involved.
5.) Go to The Zoo. ARGHHH!! How could I have not made it to the frickin’ zoo?! Boo hoo hoo is all I can say. Until next year monkeys….
6.) Go to ValleyFair. I really wanted to take Landon here for the kiddy rides. He would have loved it! Hey…it’s not still open is it? Wait, I refuse to wear boots to Valleyfair anyways…
7.) Go to Champs Alleyway. I just thought I’d for sure make it to the alley way bar downtown. Sipping on a cold one with my girlfriends while the sunset kissed our spaghetti strapped shoulders…Nope. Didn’t happen (tear slides down cheek)
8.) Swim. I never swam this summer and I never even put on a bikini unless I was in my backyard with a book. Shit, I never even got in the damn kiddy pool. I suck.
9.) Go to Stillwater. I planned on taking Landon over to Teddy Bear Park and maybe taking a trolley ride. I figured I had all summer to do that one. But-oopsy! Summer’s Ohhh-Verrrr now…
10.) The biggest regret I have is NOT MAKING IT TO THE FARMER’S MARKET. So mad about this I want to literally kick my own ass. I love the fruit, the veggies; the flowers…Oh Summer...please come back to meeeee!

Ok, so I’m done whining until next year, BUT I still had an awesome June-August spent with some of the finest people on the planet. We did use the grill a couple times, travel a tad, and of course I did manage to get a teeny tiny sun-kissed glow for like a millisecond and eat entirely too much ice cream- oh wait, I still indulge in that year round. But, now it’s a new season and a new leaf shall turn (a crimson red perhaps, or succulent peach). My house smells like pumpkins and my trees look beautiful. I guess there’s always something new to look forward to, after all, I do get to take my kid trick-or-treating and steal his candy while he sleeps! Just keeping it positive…

The Unexpected Ding-Dong!

Ok, so it happened again tonight. A stranger came knocking at my door and I didn’t open it. I’m all cuddled up on the couch with the kiddo and the dog and “DING-DONG!” The dog jumps up towards the door, going crazy and the kid is yelling “who’s here mommy?” Of course all of the lights are on, TV is blaring, and yes, we are obviously HOME, but am I going to answer that door? HELL NO. He rings it again even, and I know he can see me sitting on the couch, but I just keep on watching TV and trying to shush the dog, cuz the hell if I’m moving...

Here are a few reasons why:

First of all, I’m in my pj’s, no bra, and um…there’s a cold draft when I open the door.

Second, unless I’m expecting someone or need to sign for my new box of shoes, then I have no reason to speak with you.

Third, I give $$ to charity without being asked, I can try to save the trees without signing your petition, and I have found my faith years ago and don’t need to justify my beliefs to a complete stranger.

Fourth, I’m scared. Ok, I don’t live in the ghetto and I know self defense, but still, the world is full of crazies and I don’t have time for you to slip your I.D. under my door so I can quick Google you and check your background before I open the door. Hello? America’s Funniest Home videos are on here…

Fifth, can a girl get some damn privacy? I hate it when my space and time are unexpectedly interrupted. It rubs me the wrong way. I have built a house with a roof, put blinds on my windows, and locks on my doors to retain a sense of calm and peace. You completely disrupt my aura with that damn DING-DONG!

Sixth, we live in a technical world people! Anything I need to know, understand, discover, or ask is just a key stroke away. If I want to find Jesus I can Google how to do so. I can read about politics online and buy cookies there as well. There is nothing that a stranger dinging my bell can offer me that I couldn’t already find myself if I wanted to. So. STEP. OFF. MY. PORCH.

Soooo unless it is Halloween or you are delivering the boxes from my online shopping binge, keep your hands off my bell. Thank-you.

Don't they have a pill for that?

It seems like every time I turn around there’s a new “pill” to fix something, prevent something, or promise to somehow make your life better. We have pills that claim to make our hair thicken, our penises grow, and our eyelashes lengthen. Pills to rid us of depression, give us energy, and increase our sex drive. Pills, pills, pills, well, here are a few things I WISH there was a pill for….

I wish there was pill called “feet heat.” For all the times when my toes are ice cold, which is basically every single day, I could simply pop a pill and within minutes my feet would get toasty warm. “Oh what’s that honey? You want the AC on even though it’s 68 degrees outside? No problem, I’ll just pop a couple “feet heat” and I’ll be fine.”

I wish there was a pill called Insta-Sleep. This would make up for those nights where you didn’t get any, sleep that is. So instead of dragging ass and overdosing on caffeine, you just pop one of these pills and it sort of makes your brain turn into a ball of energetic sunshine, as if you woke up from a long 8 hour slumber. Wouldn’t that be nice? I’d stay up so much later…

I wish there was a pill that could give people common sense. This would be for the ones who just “don’t get it” and usually look a little dazed and confused when everyone else is nodding along in understanding. Pop the pill called “Drop of Sense” and voila’, you too can have the knack of common knowledge!

I wish there was a pill to make people get to the point. Faster. I often find myself on the phone with a client that’s sloooooowly speaking, not really getting anywhere, and I often find myself waving my hands in circular motions, wishing to pry the point off their tongue. This would be a pill for those people. Perhaps it could be called “sPILL it out already!”

I reeeeaaalllly wish there was a pill to make you sober. The music is pumping, your heart is pounding, your mind is intoxicated and the adrenaline is making you feel like a warm dose of fantabulous fun…but then the inevitable moment always comes when it’s bar close and you have to somehow get from point “A” to point ”B” and it’s the fight for the cab time. UNLESS of course, you pop a pill called “Sober Roller” and poof, you got your poker face on and the alcohol evaporates like fairy dust and your brain cells perk up and the buzz slowly slips away. You get in your car and drive home without a trace of ever drinking. Love this idea. To pieces actually.

This leads to, of course, a pill that takes away the hangover. You wake up with your face smashed into a pillow, a stream of drool sliding down your cheek (if you’re lucky, it’s only drool), red eyes that feel like bowling balls of fire, a throat that’s raw and a mind that’s only half alive. Keep a bottle of “Hang-up the Hangover” on your bedside table and you only have to roll over, pop a pill and release the wish for death and hug your healthy mind. Magic is just a pill away. Of course, this would be a pill that would dissolve on your tongue for those real emergencies where there is no water available and nobody to assist you.

Wow, I could go on and on with this pill thing. A pill to make people smarter and a pill to make people turn from assholes to gentlemen, a pill to erase our wrinkles and make us young again! Come on you geniuses out there; give me a pill to make me grow taller!! Or how about change your eye color? That would be fun! OK, I could just run with this…oh and a pill to make me run faster….OK I’ll quit now before I type all night on this one :)

The Bad Girls Guide to Good Health

**This is an article that was published in SELF magazine. I found it interesting, so thought I'd share it with you! I've added my own "personal" thoughts in RED INK.



Scientists have already given their blessings to guilty pleasures such as nibbling chocolate (I have chocolate every single day or else I get cranky) (it's high in antioxidants) and sipping wine (red vino is heart-healthy). Now, studies are finding upsides to other so-called bad behaviors. Some things — like smoking or an addiction to cookies 'n' cream (I do love my ice cream so I beg to differ—there are mood altering advantages to eating it and yes I believe I am proof this) — we'd never endorse, but these six naughty habits can feel good and be good for you.
1. Getting pissed off can keep stress in check
A little anger may be a tonic for both your mind and body. (I knew that my temper tantrums and verbal expolsions had to be related to something positive!) For example, new studies suggest that riled-up people make better decisions. (So the next time you lose your cool and accidentally tell someone to go f*#k theirselves, just let them know you’re on the verge of making a very important decision so pease don’t take offense. Hmm…makes sense) And researchers at Carnegie Mellon University found that anger — as opposed to fear or anxiety — can prompt your brain to release less cortisol, the powerful stress hormone linked to problems like obesity, bone loss, and heart disease. "Traditionally, it has been difficult for women to express anger effectively, because we're 'supposed' to act nurturing and sensitive," (huh? I think I have male genetics then) says Julie K. Norem, Ph.D., author of The Positive Power of Negative Thinking. So let your ire out. Just don't go overboard; chronic rage is unproductive.



2. Downing coffee could cut your cancer risk
Coffee's most exalted attribute — energy-boosting caffeine — has nothing on its real health superpowers. Studies show that drinking daily joe may minimize your risk for Parkinson's disease, cancer, and type 2 diabetes (Ha! Finally some validation for my 16 oz. mocha icecrema with whipped cream! I always do feel muuuuch better after having one) . Why? Most chronic diseases are related to inflammation, and coffee is chock-full of anti-inflammatory compounds, says Shelley McGuire, Ph.D., an associate professor of nutrition at Washington State University. Coffee also has more antioxidants than almost any other food (is that really true? I thought beans and berries had the most antioxidants- who did this study??). Sip one to three high-octane or decaf cups a day, but make sure you steer clear of fat traps such as whipped-cream-topped lattes (Boooo! Whipped cream is the icing on the cake baby). "If you're piling on calories," warns McGuire, "you're probably wiping out the benefits."
3. Being a slob may help you breathe easier
Messy women everywhere cheered when a British study found that an unmade bed could nix in-house allergens (turns out, tucked-in sheets can offer dust mites a covered breeding area). (I always make the bed with untucked sheets= points for me!)But here's even more encouraging news for the not-so-tidy: Environmental and internal medicine expert Kenneth Rosenman, M.D., says you should focus on keeping your home reasonably clean, not entirely pristine.(Wonderful news! The dust won’t bug me as much now- or the spotted windows-yippee!) "The huge push to disinfect our homes isn't healthy," he explains. "A little messiness is OK." Zapping every germ around — including the harmless ones — can clear the way for more serious or resistant strains. Plus, certain household disinfectant sprays and air fresheners release chemicals that can heighten asthma risk. Skip spray cleaners in favor of environmentally friendly pourable ones — and don't forget that a simple clean damp cloth can do wonders.
4. Drinking beer may benefit your heart and bones
(Love where this is going already) Go ahead, crack open that brewski: (I think I will thank-you) Research indicates that beer could be an even better heart-disease fighter than red wine, says Charles Bamforth, Ph.D., a professor of food science and technology at the University of California at Davis. The refreshing stuff is made with malted barley, which happens to contain the same heart-protecting antioxidants that give red wine its good name. But beer also packs high levels of vitamin B6 (ahh...the happy vitamin), which keeps our bodies from building up homocysteine, a chemical linked to increased coronary risk. And your whole body gets a boost in the form of silica,(aka: the buzz) a compound that helps strengthen bones(so that’s what the tingling is about! But why the extra bruises in the morning? Hmmmm). Bamforth suggests sticking to one beer a day(borrr-riiiing). Look for brews made with ample pale malt and hops (i.e., pale ales), which are especially rich in silica.
5. Surfing the Internet might tune up your brain
(If that’s the case, than I am one well-tuned machine!) All that online shopping may yield more than a fab pair of heels(yessssss). A new study at the University of California at Los Angeles found that just one week of frequent Web browsing can fire up your brain's complex-reasoning hubs. "Time online may improve your ability to make decisions," says study coauthor and psychiatrist Gary Small, M.D. It's possible that the more we surf, the more efficient our brains can become at strategizing, he explains. "It's like going to the gym. (A race of the mind for bargain hunting, me likey) After a while, you can lift more weight with less effort." But scientists aren't giving i-geeks free license to click around all day and night. Take regular breaks and, adds Small, be sure to socialize with actual humans.
6. Chewing gum can keep you trim
(I have at least one piece a day) We hate to burst the bubble of etiquette watchers, but recent research shows that chomping on gum — ever so politely, of course — can improve both short- and long-term memory (scientists are still figuring out exactly why). And chewing the stuff might also help you slim down (could that be how Britney slimmed down? Hmmm), according to new research from the University of Rhode Island. Animal research suggests that frequent chewing can stimulate the brain's satiety center, which is responsible for making us feel full, says lead study author Kathleen Melanson, Ph.D., R.D. (Bonus: Her subjects also had higher energy levels.) Go with a stick of the sugar-free kind. (Hmm…a different study said that chewing gum makes you swallow air, which results in bloating, which causes gas, but isn’t that always the case with articles like this? What’s good is bad and what’s bad in good, it’s all in how you perceive it)
© 2010 Rodale Inc. All rights reserved.

A little memo to the reality TV stars:

This is a tiny little message to all The Real Housewives, Bachelor/Bachelorette wannabes, Jersey Girls, chics from The Hills, etc. You got your fame, isn’t that enough? Let me drive my point here: I like your shows, even though it’s a love/hate thing with reality TV, I still watch them as it sort of satisfies my “get-to-peek-into-people’s-lives-without-being-illegal” kind of fetish thing I have. It’s entertaining, makes me giggle, and if nothing else, makes me grateful for the life I have. How-eVer, can we please just keep it as that? Must we suddenly think we can put out a hit record, write best sellers, and come out with jewelry, make-up, and skin care lines on top of it? Ugh. Money can’t buy you everything, and there’s not a dollar in the world that can make you hit that high “C” note without hours of electronic altering. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ANYTHING MORE THAN THE REALITY STAR YOU ARE. WE are fine with you that way.

Every other Real Housewife just “happens” to decide they can sing in one season or another and I have not heard one voice that proves that singing is their hidden little forte. Hell, I can sing better than most of them, even after I’ve had a few too many cocktails and the karaoke machine isn’t spittin' the right lyrics. And skincare lines? How in the hell do you suddenly know about anti-aging? Didn’t Botox and Restalyne get your face that way? And why you still puffin’ on Marlboros behind the scenes? Is that part of your anti-wrinkle regime? It just doesn’t even make sense!

Kardashian girls, you know I love you, although I yell at the TV when you are on. Especially you, Kourtney, but it gets the ratings. However….why do you girls have to keep coming out with more and more products? You’re rolling in the dough already, have your clothing stores and fashion lines. But now we have perfumes? Self tanner? Teeth whitening pens? Quick slim diet pills? Enough already! I’m just waiting for them to come out with a scented tampon line… 3 sizes: small, medium, and large for each body type. Seriously, it wouldn’t shock me.

All this added shit people need to do once their name is known only screams “money hungry and willing to do anything to keep it rolling in.” It’s getting to be a little much. Just because you became famous through that little box called the television and people recognize your face, it does NOT mean, you can suddenly acquire the skills to pen a novel, understand how to rid acne, or design a jewelry line. Your gift is to be a “reality TV” star because people either love to hate you, enjoy watching you make mistakes and fail in love, cry over some boy, or get a kick out of your loud mouth drama. You don’t have to be anything more. I don’t want to hear you screech to the sound of a hip hop beat when your pushing 50 or watch you try and sell a tanning line when the last time I saw you in US Weekly you looked like a pale excuse for a pumpkin (a-hem Lindsey Lohan). So just stick to what you know and stop trying to make more and more money, when I’m sure you’re doing just fine as it is.

Thank you for listening. And thank you for entertaining me.

Wide eyed and Sleep deprived

No matter what, I cannot get a good night’s sleep if I drink the night before. It just doesn’t happen. I haven’t gotten a straight 8 hours sleep after a night of drinking since…well, my college years? It’s just a random in- and- out, toss and turn, twist and shout type of uncomfortable state of mind I get in. I can feel every step of the hangover settle in. The slight headache arises, my eyelids feel like sandpaper, the heart gets a little racy, sometimes skips a beat, sometimes moves up into my ear drum. And the thoughts, oh, it’s the thoughts are what really get me. As I teeter in between drunk and sober, conscious and subconscious, the thoughts are the biggest hindrance to my much needed beauty sleep. After lying awake since 3 a.m., listening to the soft lull of my husband’s snoring, I have finally decided to just get up, make a coffee and eat some donuts. The thoughts that keep me up are so ridiculous and random; I feel the need to share them. Here they are, in no particular order (I think that’s why our heads are round, so the thoughts can circulate easier):

“What should I all buy at Target today? Nico needs milk bones, can’t forget that. I must get some more Claritin-D. I should see if I can Google a coupon for that. Do I still have that Target coupon for $10 off? I bet it’s expired. I really want to go to Sephora, but I shouldn’t, I’ll just walk away buying shit I don’t need. But life is short, and make-up makes me happy. I’m going to go there. I should look at their website, wasn’t there a new liquid eye liner from that tattoo chic with the make-up line? Cat Von Dee or something? Didn’t she have a reality show? I wonder what happened with that. Must have gotten cancelled. Oh! I have to watch The Jersey Shore that I recorded, and The Real Housewives of D.C. I should go watch them. I wonder how much money they make. And of course, that isn’t good enough because then they have to go making jewelry, or starting a skincare line, or trying to become a singer, or writing a cook book. Books. I have a stack of 5 books I need to read. I have to finish the one I’m reading now first. Then which one should I read? (This thought went on for a good 15 minutes as I reviewed the details of every book in my head, trying to determine what kind of book I was in the mood for, mystery, humor, memoir?) I should just get up and go watch TV. Why the hell can’t I sleep? Am I still drunk? Maybe my body digests alcohol at a really messed of rate, and I actually become drunk as I lay in bed trying to sleep, so that’s why I’m awake with crazy thoughts spinning around. Does this mean I’m at my drunken prime at 6 a.m.? WTF. That would be weird. I wonder if there are any chocolate donuts left, or did Landon eat them all. I could really go for some bacon and onion fried won tons that we ate at The Bulldog. Those were the bomb. I want some. Now I’m hungry. What should I eat? I should make a carrot cake today. I’m in the mood for cream cheese frosting. I can’t believe I haven’t gone to the Farmers market!! I haven’t even had sweet corn and summers almost over! I want a big bouquet of flowers from there too. Hey, should I have gotten flowers yesterday for our anniversary? Hmmm…I’m excited to go to Bar La Grassa tonight. I must try that soft egg and lobster thing Ole talks about. I can’t wait to see “A Street Car named Desire” tonight. I’ll probably be so tired though with no sleep. Will I have time to nap today? Where the hell is the Advil? I thought it was on my nightstand. Ugh. I feel dehydrated and ill. That’s it I’m going to get up and have some donuts and go on facebook. Maybe then I’ll get tired…”

I thought all this typing would wear me out. It did not. I am still wired. Still awake. Still have a headache.

I’m off to google new Sephora products now….

The 4 Way Stop, easy as 1-2-3

Four way stops. How complicated can it be? There is one rule and one rule only: The first vehicle to arrive at a complete stop is the first vehicle allowed to leave the stop sign. Done.

I go through a particular 4 way stop almost every day near where I work, and I can’t tell you how many people don’t seem to understand the simplicity of a four way stop. These are the problems I’ve witnessed:

The person who’s in a hurry: This person will pull up, give a quick 1 second tap to the breaks, pay no attention to any cars in the vicinity and go ahead and floor on through the stop sign completely oblivious to the other cars patiently waiting their turn. While the people in the 3 other vehicles at the stop sign are thinking “What an A-hole”, this person is driving happily along, either on their cell phone, jammin’, out, or totally stoned.

The confused person: This type comes to a complete stop and continues to look both ways, but never really moves. It’s as if they’re waiting for the sign to either turn green or flip over and say “GO.” Pretty soon the 4 way stop has turned into a 4 way WTF. Someone usually ends up honking, and the person seems to wake up with an expression that says “Oh, silly me, I can go!” and off they go.

The l-don’t-like-to-follow-the-rules dude: This person thinks it’s ok to NOT use their blinker, since it’s their turn I suppose, but this is never a good idea. Another vehicle across from you that stopped a second after you may think you’re going straight ahead, so they can also go straight ahead, and sort of share your turn but instead you take a left. This could cause accidents and unnecessary finger flipping that could have been easily avoided had you used your blinker.

The nice person: This person thinks they’re doing a good deed by waving all the other cars to “go on ahead.” Nobody expects this, so they only get annoyed and either get into a "no you go” “no YOU go” wave-a-thon until finally someone gets irritated enough to just floor it, resulting into a blast of exhaust. Meanwhile, there’s a train of pissed off drivers lining up behind the “nice guy”, all of which are either honking their horns or mouthing the words “Fuck-ing Go!”

That’s it. If you stop first you go first! Don’t make it complicated. Don’t think too hard about it. Stop and go. And if it’s a tie, then the person to the right always has the right of way. Or just floor it and keep things moving :)

Friday Nights: They're not what they used to be...

I remember there was a time when Friday meant either Happy Hour after work or drinking on the patio with my Stevie and hitting a few bars with friends, or going to dinner on a rooftop patio while sipping on wine and snacking on calamari as the sun glistened off the streets of uptown Minneapolis.

Well, that kind of Friday? NO LONGER EXISTS and damn, sometimes I miss it…

Not that I don’t still love Fridays, they’ve just changed a bit since having a child. I love my little Landon dearly, but sometimes this mommy needs a time out too. Tonight in particular made my heart miss the old Fridays a bit. After listening to my 3 year old scream at the top of his lungs because I wouldn’t obey his every command, I felt exhausted by 7 p.m. I finally gave in to his high pitched demand that he “WANTS TO GO TO THE STORE!!” (He loves Target, got that from my genes). I could no longer take the screaming and after trying to explain to him that “mommy has no money and so going there could be very dangerous and we really don’t need anything”, etc., the screams just got louder and louder. He didn’t care. He just wants to ride the cart and get one piece of candy! (stomp stomp)

Ok then. Off we went to Target to ride 20 laps around the store with an empty cart. First he HAD to push and I couldn’t touch the cart. Then he had to crawl underneath and direct me where to turn. Then he rode off the front while waving to everyone and saying “Look at me, I’m so funny!” I laughed and had a great time actually. The Target shopping cart is better than a merry-go-round to him. He sees going to the store as a treat. After realizing how silly it would look to leave with nothing, I decided to let him put some Mike and Ikes in the cart, and of course it didn’t stop there.

The problem with this fun little trip to the store is that I had to pass that damn ice cream freezer over and over. It was like all these flavors were yelling at me from behind the glass door to buy them. “Look at me! I’m on sale!” “Hey, I’m a new flavor!” “Pick me! Pick me!” Ugh….the agony. You know I had to buy some, then of course you have to get the cones and the topping and then you’ll want some chips after that…. Damn Target. I knew it would be dangerous going there with no money. Guilt isn’t so fun.

Five minutes after getting home the screaming returns,” I want juice!” I get it. “No! (Tears coming) I want milk!” I get it. “I want water!” More tears. Toddler is in a meltdown. Mommy is just plain confused. WTF is going on here? Breathe in breathe out breathe in breathe out.

So yes, I miss the days when Friday night was all mine, to do with it as I pleased. To make my own commands and skip off to where my little heart felt like going. I do wish that I could get a glimpse back, or relive a Friday night the way it used to be, just every once in awhile.

However, the yelling is a lot more tolerable with this big ass bowl of Heath ice cream in front of me, so cheers to that I guess.

Humidty and Nudity

It was hot today. Hot and humid. Getting to my car and cranking the air felt like a run for cover, a quest for survival, and ended with a wee little “bitch cuz it’s humid, but stop cuz I should be happy it’s still summer” kind of whimper.

As I was driving home with the A.C. cranked at my body in an attempt to ward away the sauna like conditions of my vehicle and to somehow make my legs not feel like they were dipped in hot tar and my forehead not feel like a wad of hubba bubba that was roasting on the sidewalk, I began to wonder…. “Could I possibly drive home topless and have no one notice?” And “Wow this deodorant really does kick it up in the heat-Mmm…coco nutty!” “Hey, why is that guy on the bench crying? Oh wait, he’s just sweating.” “You know, there really should be a national GET NUDE DAY for humid times like this.”

Got home. Googled it. There is. National Nude Day…who knew? I missed it though. It was on July 14th. Was it even hot on July 14th?

As I looked out my window during my drive home, after my sweat had dried into a nice chilled film across my brow and my shirt stopped sticking to my belly (I know, I know, I should have taken it off. With a chest like this, I could easily pass as a 12year old boy with long hair and a lipstick fetish, but I didn’t want a cop to pull me over on suspicion of underage driving) –anyhow, I couldn’t help but notice all the people around me that were surely roasting more than I. Like the elderly man in denim overalls on the bus bench, a cane in his right hand while his left hand rested on his oxygen tank OR the heavy set lady wearing what appeared to be polyester red pants and a tank top that crept up a tad too high and was wet in all the wrong places…. I suddenly felt very fortunate to be in my car.

So the Nude Day thing didn’t seem like such a good idea anymore after I cooled off. Because really? Looking at the people around me, I could only imagine the driving hazard it would cause!! “Wow, look at that nude guy on the Harley. I wonder if his balls are stuck to the seat. Do they flap in the wind?” “Hey, looks like that lady decided to go topless with a bikini bottom…oh wait….is that…her bush?” “ Wish I had an ass like that….” “Oh cool, the chic is riding the Harley over there and has her man as the passenger…oh…weird…she looks really tall….”

Yup. Nude day would be a total driving hazard for sure! I guess nudity is best kept in the colonies. Because really? I’d rather not see the world flashing their junk around. Besides, it’s not like people would be any less hot if they walked outside nude anyway. They’d just come back in with sweaty crotches and sticky boobs anyways…

Mind Power

You are what you think you are.

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” I love this Buddha quote. It holds so much truth, and the more your mind believes it, the deeper it seems to get. Who we are really is a direct result of our minds perception.

I want to share a cute little story that I’ve always liked. It depicts this theory perfectly.

TINY FROGS

There once was a bunch of tiny frogs ... who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower. A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants...
The race began... No one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You heard statements such as: "Oh, WAY too difficult!!" "They will NEVER make it to the top." The tiny frogs began collapsing. The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!" More tiny frogs got tired and gave up... ...But ONE continued higher and higher and higher... This one wouldn't give up! He was the only one who reached the top! All of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it? A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?
It turned out that the winner was DEAF!!!!
The wisdom of this story:
• Never listen to other people's tendencies to be negative or pessimistic. They take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you -- the ones you have in your heart!
• Always think of the power words have. Everything you hear and read will affect your actions!
• BE POSITIVE! And above all, be DEAF when people tell you that you cannot fulfill your dreams! Always think: I can do this!

What a great little piece of solid advice right there. Just imagine the things we’d be capable of if we never heard the deterring negativity of other people’s thoughts chirping in our ears? If other people’s opinions had no effect on our determination, we would accomplish so much more. It really is that easy. In reality, your mind is the only one you’ll ever need to change. I think it’s important to remind ourselves of that.

Now I need to go heed my own advice...

If I had a punching bag.....

Sometimes a girl just needs to put on a pair of boxing gloves and give it all she’s got.

I don’t have a punching bag.

But if I did…

Here are a few things I’d want on it:

1.) A photo of a rear end where the waist is belted down at the knees. I’d like to punch those pockets right up to the top where they’re supposed to be.
2.) A picture of Heidi Montag. I’d like to bang that nose back into proper shape. Spencer Pratt on the other side of the bag, and I’d have a ring around punch-a-thon til I was dizzy.
3.) A big ass piece of chocolate cake, just cuz, it’s a love/ hate relationship thing.
4.) Mel Gibson. Cuz right now? He’s NOT “what women want.”
5.) The words “It’s not all about you.” Well, it is now biiiiitch. *PUNCH*
6.) The face of that certain ex from Kato that forgot to mention “his ex” was my neighbor and his nightly “Round #1” before he’d come to my apartment. F*%k YOU x 500 punches.
7.) That bottle of Rumple Minz that made me do some very unspeakable things….
8.) Scott Disick. For those who don’t know, this is Kourtney Kardashian’s boyfriend and easily the biggest A-hole on reality TV. He deserves to get his ass kicked.
9.) Lindsay Lohan. Oh honey, I’d just really like to knock some sense into you. Honestly.
10.) The phrase “My Bad” scrawled across the punching bag would surely get that sack ripped to shreds. It’s overused and I’m over it. Punch, punch, punch, now who’s bad is it bitch?? RAWR.

What would you put on your punching bag?

Wow….People actually buy this stuff?!

1.) Instant face Lift: A face lift in a box…wow! This consists of little pieces of tape held together by an elastic band which you stick discretely behind your ears or in your hairline to “pull” the face up. No more sagging jaw line ladies! You could probably stick some duct tape on the ends of a long rubber band and try that as well. I giggle just thinking of a lady elegantly drinking a cup of tea at a charity event, with her evening gown glistening, and “face lift” bands attached to her head, when oops!, one of them detaches, and ½ of her face falls back down while everyone gasps because she looks like she’s having a stroke. Hilarious image.

2.) Boob Job in a Box: OMG how desperate must one be to actually think this could happen. No surgery. No recovery. You simply apply 2 special treatments of plumping catalyst, toning emulsion, and follow a specialized bust lifting regimen, and bigger boobs will be yours for the bargain price of $135! Sounds too good to be true? Probably because it is. Ridiculous.

3.) The Face Trainer by No! No! : Never heard of this? You must Google it. I can’t believe this exists! It’s a mask designed to provide resistance training for the face and create a wrinkle free look and toned facial muscles. You will look years younger! The mask slides over your face and gets secured by Velcro. It even comes with a DVD! I wouldn’t try this in public as it looks like someone trying to simulate the movements of an imaginary blow job while wearing a hockey mask. A family member may have you committed if they walked in on you doing your wrinkle erasing facial exercises with The Face Trainer.

4.) iPosture: Are you a sloucher? Not if you purchase this! This is a quarter shaped, battery operated device that you stick onto your chest. It vibrates to let you know when you’re in the “proper posture position.” If you slouch out of the upright position, it sets off an alarm letting you know you have gotten out of the proper alignment. Ha! Can you imagine the funny predicaments this could land you in? “Wow, Janie, how did you get a quarter stuck to your chest, or is that a third nipple?” “Sorry Johnny, no blow job tonight, I don’t want to set off the alarm by arching downward.” “Hey Nancy? Could you pick up my pen? I dropped it on the floor and don’t want to set off my posture alarm. Thanks.” Heehee…silly products.

5.) Malibu Betty (for the hair down there): yes, this is a pubic hair dye. Electric blue. Hey, punk rockers might want the drapes and rug to match too you know? Also comes in Hot Pink. All I know is the day I make my twat hot pink is the day, well, the day I make my twat hot pink. Nuff said.

6.) Jolie Lips Lip Plumper: You have GOT to be kidding me here. This promises to give you Angelina Jolie style lips. How? By simply applying a special lip balm and then putting this suction type ball over your lips, creating a vacuum, and well, start pumping. You pump this suction in and out until you get the lips of Jolie size. OMG. Just put some Vaseline on them and take off the attachment on your Hoover, I’m sure the suction will work much quicker that way. Of course, you may get ‘ring around the lip line” but I’m sure there’ll be a product coming out to fix that too… Good Lord.

7.) Nose Secret: Want a nose job without surgery? Well, of course there’s a product for it! Who knew that 2 inch sized little plastic pieces could cost only $35 and give you a nose job that looks like you paid thousands! You simply insert these little bendable splints up your nostril and form them until you have the perfect nose. Five seconds, and voila! If you want a good laugh, go to their website and view the before and after pictures, I mean, there is just no way that the photos are not altered. Hilarious.

8.) Feel Real Silicone Butt Pads: For all you flat assed chics out there, get the butt you’ve always dreamed of by simply sticking these silicone pads on your dairy air to give you curve and sex appeal. Ha ha ha. I’m sure you’ll be feeling like a million bucks, getting’ down in the club with your spandex dress and swaying that curvaceous ass all over the room as the men ogle you and drool over that sweet behind of yours. But after a few too many tequila shots, and a trip back to their crib, they may not be too happy to realize they’ve gotten hard over a couple of stick on butt pads. Just make sure the guy is reeeeaaaaallllly drunk if you want to pull this off before you do the walk of shame. Fake can’t last in the long haul ladies. This leads me into my next product…

9.) Feel Foxy padded underwear!: These panties are so padded, that God himself could not create a more roundly cushioned ass. You would have to buy special jeans to fit in the padding of this underwear. The butt is huge! Oh, and you can’t wash them, cuz they may deform, thus getting lumpy, and soon that nicely padded panty will make your junk in the trunk look like a cellulite and cottage cheese filled sack. Icky poo all around on this one.

10.) Melanotan II: Also known as “The Barbie Pill”. You simply shoot daily doses of this chemical up your nose and you will wake up tan and glowing. Not working quickly enough? You can shoot it up your arm with an insulin syringe instead! But you should consider getting your head examined first, as you may have officially “lost it.” Oh, and when you wake up looking like a pumpkin, you may be in trouble as there is yet to be a Fairy Godmother pill to reverse your error. …

Everything I need to know in life....

Everything we need to know in life we learned in driving school. Really. I googled the Top Ten Pieces of Driving advice from automedia.com, and twisted their advice to put it into the perspective of life in general. It makes sense and I think you’ll agree!

Rule #1 Don't Back Up
Don’t try to undo your past or dwell in the “might have beens” in life. You can’t reverse time and you can’t back up and redo much of anything. Keep your eyes forward and your mind focused on the now. Today is all you really have, so leave the past in the past...

Rule #2 Work Smarter, Adjust mirrors, and clear your blind spots
Some people go through life in a robotic fashion without putting much thought into their every day actions. They go through it blindly. Some say that the people we surround ourselves with are actually mirrors of ourselves. Well? Do you like what you see? Who you are? If not, perhaps you need to adjust the people that you allow into your life. Many times we don’t want to see people for who or what they are and how they are affecting our life, But remember, people see things better on the outside, so listen to the advice of those who love you and open your eyes to reality..

Rule #3 Go Right

Hmmm… as in if you have the choice of doing right or wrong, choose right? Well, I’m a fan of bad decisions, but as long as you can veer back to the “right” track and learn a few lessons along the way, I’d say you’re doing alright :)

Rule #4 Learn Your Car

Understand the vehicle you drive. We were all given a body that we maneuver out and about on a daily basis. The skeleton and organs make up our car. The brain is the engine and food is our gasoline. Eat healthy and exercise regularly. Chocolate fuels my body on a daily basis and makes me happy, so don’t deny your vehicle of joy people…but stay away from high fructose corn syrup, that shit will just clog up your engine.

Rule #5 See and Be Seen

Hello people!? You can’t stay cooped up in your house all day watching TV and being couch potato. Enjoy life! Get out and be seen. Get noticed. Get off your ass and become useful. Let yourself shine. Remember: there are no strangers, only people waiting to be spoken to.

Rule #6 Figure Out The Clues

If you feel stuck in a rut, retrace your steps and figure out where you went wrong. Be aware of how you got to where you are. If you pay attention to yourself everyday and express your thoughts, you will become more aware of a potential rock bottom before you’ve hit it.

Rule #7 Prep Your Ride
A-hem, I find this tip to be very humorous, but it is indeed a driving tip (refers to worn out tires, breaks etc.) To my little perverse mind though, I’m thinking personal hygiene. Keep it clean kids. Nobody likes dirty junk. Oil keeps more things running than a car you know. Stay clean and please shower daily. Nobody wants to ride on a dirty road that’s full of bumps. Ewe…

Rule #8 Stay Sober and Hang—Up

Don’t drive drunk of course, that’s a given, but an occasional intoxication is definitely in the rule book if you feel so inclined to tip the bottle on solid ground. However, many bad decisions tend to happen when alcohol is involved, so know your limits. And that cell phone? HANG IT UP for a change. Do not whip it out during dinner, while in a group setting, or while using the potty in a public place (ewe!) And most of all, do NOT tie up a dressing room because you’re suddenly in a deep giddy conversation that goes a little something like “OMG, I’m like totally going out with him tonight and he’s all like saying how cute I am and I’m like reeeaaaallly?” cuz honestly? No one in line gives a shit and I just wanna try on my jeans thankyouverymuch.

Rule #9 Anticipate Possible Dilemmas

Know what to expect before it happens. Prepare mentally for possible road blocks in life. The company going downhill? Job hunt. The man staying out a little too late? Know that you may be in the process of replacement. Stories don’t match up? You are being lied to. Yes you are and stop denying it. If you stay aware of the changes that may occur and know that some things are inevitable, you won’t be so surprised when your life veers into some rough territory. Knowing ahead of time will prevent you from running out of gas and breaking down, instead you will able to refuel and keep on trucking, even if HE ran away with the newer model.


Rule #10 Pay Attention

PAY ATTENTION! You’ve heard it all your life and it will always be one of the best pieces of advice a person can offer you. Stay focused, listen with both ears, and be aware of who you are. Work on yourself inside and out. Understand that just because someone has a shiny exterior and a “big engine”, it doesn’t mean their wires aren’t a little crossed on the inside. If they rev your engine, they can also make your heart go flat, but always, always enjoy the ride. Vroom vroom.

The value of Lust

Love hurts… but lust feels pretty good.

Some things just balance each other out… Sunshine after the rain, a tan after the burn, and calm after the storm, and well, lust after love went sour.

Oh beautiful love makes your heart dance and your face glow. Everything is rainbow and lollipops when you’re in love. The sky seems bluer, the grass seems greener, and your heart pumps louder.

But when the high comes down and the relationship crashes, it feels like the love bug that once bite you now took a 6 oz. chunk out of your heart with jaws the size of butcher knives. Your floating heart has now been buried. That glowing flame is but a pile of ashes. That happy heartbeat now feels like its being rung out like an old dish rag and it just hurts to breathe.

Love actually feels wonderful; it’s the end of love that hurts so badly. Well, my friends, that’s when you gotta put your weak old little heart on the magic carpet of lust and just ride it out ‘til the pain melts away…

Love and lust are two different things. Love is the blood that pumps your heart and makes you want to be a better person. Lust is the fire that pumps your loins and makes you want to be a better lover. Don’t confuse them. Love can be a beautiful thing, but the pain you feel once it’s gone could leave little scars on your heart for a lifetime, that’s why we have lust. It attempts to erase them. It stitches the holes up. Lust can get us through the tough shit. Lust doesn’t judge you. You don’t have to let your heart in the way when it comes to lust. Don’t confuse your emotions, let them rest. Put all your pain on the back burner and enjoy the flames of lust for awhile.

If you understand the concept of enjoying the heat of another body, a little rendezvous without attachments, and a conversation that is spoken with the eyes, understood with the hands, and doesn’t need to be all mangled up with serious conversation, that is lust. You don’t have to think or speak; you just “get it.”

I always say the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Why? Because it feels good. When your heart is broke and you’re down on the dumps, lust will pull you back up from that sorry ass place and make you feel alive again. If love closes the door on your heart, then pull out some lust from underneath your sheets and let that knock you around for a bit. Get you back on your feet. Get the blood pumpin.’

So to all the broken hearted souls out there: “Get off your ass and go get laid.”

*Don’t forget to “glove the love” though; cuz lust may hurt like love if you don't. And well, we don't need to be feeling flames in more places than neccessary....

Shoe Love

Some people collect stamps. I collect shoes. I call them “My Stomp Collection.”

There is something magical and exciting about shoes. I’m not talking sneakers here, or slippers, or loafers. I’m talking about the elegant arch of a woman’s high heeled shoe. It’s all in the heel, the height, and the design. In my mind, the taller and more colorful the shoe, the better. When I browse the shoe department my heart does a little dance of excitement. My belly feels like it’s filled with helium. It’s pure joy to me. The way my tongue salivates when I look through the glass case at a bakery is a close comparison to how my mind feels when looking at shoes.

I have a distinct taste with shoes. My ankles are tiny so I prefer a heel with a strap. Pumps fall right off my feet. I also like a peep toe because my toes are a little too long for my liking. The soles of my feet are naturally curved, like a banana. My feet are very unhappy when they’re flat and I rarely ever go bare-footed because it makes me feel off balance if I’m not in a tippy toe position. My “flats” still have at least a 1 ½ inch heel on them. I own one pair of flip-flops and I despise them. That thong doesn’t fit between my toes and the flatness of a flip flop gives me foot cramps.

My shoes are like my children. I have a HUGE shoe family. They sleep in their boxes and some of them have suede bags or silk bags to lie in. Many of them have never been worn, or only worn once. I have this thing (OCD one may call it) with certain pairs of shoes. For instance, if I wore a pair out one night for a special occasion, or something really exciting happened while they were on my feet, then they have this little memory tied to them. If it was a really special moment, I may never wear them again for fear of taking away their unique memory. Or I fear that if something bad happens while I wear these shoes, then I will have ruined them and crushed the happy state they were in the last time I slipped them off. I know that sounds really messed up! Because of this, I give my shoes certain categories:

1.) The Casuals: This group of shoes gets worn to work, the grocery store, the park, etc. I love them. They’re comfortable and cute, reliable and responsible. These shoes are either some shade of black or brown and usually lay in a line by the front door in the foyer closet in shoe boxes. Their heel size ranges from 1 ½ to 3 inches.
2.) The Boots: Only worn in Fall/Winter, this category is one of things that makes the cold months bearable to me. At least I have a sexy boot to put my feet in. I have the skinny ones to go under pants and the tall bulky ones to go over. Usually in black, brown, grey, tan, with or without zippers or buckles. Yes, they all have heels and give me the great height that I crave so deeply. I love boots and they love me because my feet are always cold!
3.) The Tall Ladies: These shoes are known for their height and have at least a 4” heel. These feel very natural to me as I am a 5’10 girl trapped in a 5’7 frame. The taller a shoe can make me, the better I feel. A heel with this kind of height can only go with skirts (which I rarely wear) or a long pair of pants. The pants/jeans I buy in “long” are meant to be worn with this category of shoe only. Otherwise it looks like my pants are too short. These shoes are mainly solid in color as they are usually undercover.
4.) The Party Girls: This is my largest and most adored group. These shoes come out for special occasions: a night on the town, a fancy date, a party, a holiday, a wedding, etc. They were usually purchased for a specific outfit, or purchased and then I found an outfit to go with them. These range in color from glitzy silver to cherry red. They may have a mirrored heel, animal prints, plaid designs, bows, calf straps, or pink leather. I love these shoes with the same kind of passion I have for ice cream and coconut oil. They make me happy and are sure to get a compliment or two. They may not always be comfortable, but pain and fashion kind of have to go together sometimes. I’ll still dance the night away in them and they’ll probably only make it out of the house once or twice a year. Some are still in their boxes and have never left the house because there has yet to be an occasion that I feel would justify their ability to be worn. I need an event to be worthy of their presence.

Writing this little piece made me so happy that I am now fighting the urge to online shoe shop! My heart is thumping. UGH. I must stop. Ok. I’m getting up now and slowly backing away from the computer….
 

Three Magical Words

I think it’s safe to say that the three most beautiful words used to express an emotion in the English language are “I love you.” People are driven to shout these words from mountain tops, write them in the sky, and tie a ring to them on bended knee. They can make hearts melt, tears slide, and angels sing in the distance. For some people, these three words can slip off the tongue like melted butter, but for others, they seem to stick to the roof of your mouth like peanut butter and just sit on the edge of your lip….simply waiting and pondering whether they’ll be allowed out or not.

When it comes to relationships, there seems to be certain marking points: The 3rd date, the “doing the dirty”, the meeting the parents, the decision not to see other people, and of course the part where you say “I love you.” Suddenly those beautiful words seem to become more of an “accomplishment” than an expression. Sometimes, you just can’t seem to PUT IT OUT THERE. But why? If love is defined as a strong positive emotion of regard and affection, than why is it so hard to admit to?

To say that we “love chocolate”, “love shopping”, “love music”, etc. is easy to admit to, and yet, when we enter into a relationship in which our heart is involved with another human being, we can’t seem to pry these words off our tongue to save our life. If you are seeing someone who makes you blush when they flirt with you, gives you butterflies in your belly, puts little stars in your eyes just by looking at them, and gives you an orgasm that could cause a seizure, um, what’s not to love? Saying “I love you” should not have to be so damn difficult. You’re not proposing here, you’re simply stating that you acknowledge a feeling of happiness and affection for the person you’re with.

I think back to how many times I was in a relationship where I wanted to say those three little words, but didn’t out of fear. Why should I say them first? Why isn’t he saying them? Doesn’t he love me? What is he scared of? Will this be the night when he says it? Maybe he’ll say it in Vegas. He didn’t. Now what? Should I just end it? This will never amount to anything. If he doesn’t say it this weekend, than I’m done. He didn’t. Should I stay? UGH. The ridiculousness of those damn words could drive a person crazy. What the hell does it matter who says it and when?! If you’re seeing each other exclusively, spend every weekend together, and feel like their presence brings out the best in you, than guess what? Whether you want to admit it or not, you love them. It’s ok to admit to love.

For every person that I have ever said I love you to, they made an impact on my heart and I am grateful for that, however short lived or spontaneous our time was together. Love is never really lost and it’s never forgotten. Love creates memories and makes you grow into a stronger person. Love doesn’t suck, and it’s really not that difficult to feel either. We all know that love makes the world go round. Saying I love you does not commit you to anything; it does not make you any more responsible, or any more vulnerable to heartache.

Don’t overthink it so much, because honestly? You have nothing to lose by saying I love you and it doesn’t magnetically bond you to someone for all eternity just because you warm their heart with three little words every now and then. If all else fails you’re supposed to set it free anyways because if it comes back to you it’s yours, and if it doesn’t it was never meant to be.

Case closed. Now go tell someone you love them :)

Uncoat the sugar and get real!

Do you ever run across someone that just seems TOO DAMN HAPPY? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty happy person myself. I love my life, don’t take things too seriously, and usually wake up with a positive mind set, but honestly? Life isn’t perfect all the time and not every day is a bowl of cherries.

However, some people always seem to wake up on the right side of the bed and are doing “fabulous!” if you ask. Nobody ever pisses in their cheerios and they have the perfect cookie cutter little life where their grass is greener and their kids are wonderful little blessings and everything is peachy keen every single day. They seem to ride to work by sliding down rainbows while an exhaust of sparkly sunshine shoots out their ass. Well, I got news for you…this is not normal and I don’t buy it!

Here’s the thing, I love happy positive people, and I’m one of them 98% of the time, but I don’t take it into overkill. You need to have some bad days pop up in the mix, for without them, you would never appreciate the good ones. I don’t expect life to be fabulous every single day, so I accept my days for what they are. I am satisfied most of the time with what I get from them and always go to bed with a warm heart. However, these certain people in the world that never have anything to complain about and seem to live in this happy little bubble, are a mirage. I want to pop that bubble and whisper:” It’s ok to not try to look like you’re little Mary Sunshine every single day.”

Your facebook status update simply cannot be about how wonderful and blessed you are and how life is so super great every single day. This usually coming from the girl who’s fresh out of a relationship, but still friends with the ex, hence needing to make him read about how much better her life is since he left her. Yes, this is obvious, and yes he knows you’re writing that to get him jealous. No, it most likely does not work.

I just wish that people would feel comfortable enough to express their selves in a more realistic manner and not worry that someone may judge them. You don’t have to be “Super Mom, Stepford wife” and love your job every day. I know you stub your toe sometimes and scream the “F bomb” like the rest of us! Because seriously? How can you not get pissed off when you stub your toe…?

No one of us is any better than the rest when it comes to life. Life is unpredictable, and unfair, and beautiful all at once. It’s mysterious and fun, but sometimes shit happens. Sometimes you have to roll around in it a bit before you can sort the shit out. It’s all meant to be. It’s ok to have these bad days. You don’t have to act like you’re “So happy!” all the time. Because underneath that layer of sugar you dress yourself in and behind that fake smile you plaster on your face, there’s a real human being under there that people would prefer to see more of. True happiness comes from within and it’s grown from trial and error, mistakes and recovery, good and bad. So please uncoat the sugar every now and then and admit that you got a speeding ticket, told a few good lies, or put your underwear on backwards. Normal people are so much more interesting than the perfect mirage.

** For any of you who may think I was referring to you when I mentioned the “too happy” status updates. I wasn’t. Those people have already been deleted :)

A little lesson in Vo-Cab-U-Lary

Say it like it’s meant to be spoken people….it drives me crazy hearing words continuously mispronounced on a daily basis. Here is a helpful little lesson in pro-nun-see-ay-shun. Wanna hear my top 10 lists of mispronounced words that drive me craaaazy? OK…here goes:

1.) MILK ( it’s not melk people, it’s milk, you know, like silk with an M?)

2.) ENVELOPE: EN, as in Engage and Entrust, so do not say this word as Onvelope please.

3.) MEASURE: There is no “Y” in this word, so do not say it like Maysure. UGH.

4.) ILLINOIS: The “S” is silent, no really, it is, google it.

5.) BUSINESS: Not Bidness.

6.) DIDN’T: Unless you’re trying to be comedic, don’t say it as di’int. Oh I don’t even know how to spell it! Di’nt? Diint? Dihint? Whatever, you know what I mean!

7.) PRESCRIPTION: Not Per-scription. PRE-scription. Don’t swap the R and the E!

8.) SUPPOSEDLY: Many say this as Supposably or supposevley—no no no that is not right!

9.) TAKE FOR GRANITE: The word you want to use is granted, say it with me, grant-ed. Taking something for a marbled countertop would not make sense now would it?

10.) ASK: This one drives me nuts more than anything! Everytime someone says “Aks” instead of ask, I want to hit them over the head with a hammer. It’s a 3 letter word. A-S-K…it doesn’t get much easier!

I hope I have helped you all in this little vocabulary lesson!

There will be more lists like this to come I’m sure….

Chivalry…Let’s kill it already

To all you women out there who fantasize about a man swooping you up in his arms while galloping into your life on a white horse....this post is not for you.

Here’s the deal, I can carry my own bags provided they aren’t too heavy and open my own door provided my fingers are functioning. I had to laugh when I saw a middle-aged woman patiently waiting beside her car door (it wasn’t locked btw cuz I saw the tail lights flash indiciating her man had hit the “unlock” button on his key chain) She stood there like a statue, lips tight, beside her passenger door until he finished chatting with his friend so that he could walk over to her side of the car and open the door for her. She did not thank him, or smile sweetly, she looked perterbed and irritated by the fact that it took him so long. She had hands by the way. And all the limbs. I stared at the incident in a confused sort of “WTF” manner. Do women like this really exist?

I was on a date one time where the guy made it a point to grab my hand off the door handle so that he could open my car door for me and announced the words “Chivalry is not dead my dear. “ And I thought “No, but this relationship is.” That is how much it annoyed me. It embarrassed me that he seemed to be trying so hard.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind if someone ahead of me into a store holds the door a tad so I can catch it. That’s normal. However, when someone is more than 10 feet ahead of me and holds the door open to the point where I feel like I need to skip into a light jog in order to relieve them of this door holding duty, well that annoys me. If the door is fully closed for 5 seconds and I need to reopen it, um, I think I can handle that and it does not make you rude. It’s a glass door, not a brick wall I’m trying to get through!

Maybe I’m just different, or have a warped view on what it means to be “treated like a lady”, but I just feel like part of being a big girl is tying her own shoes and opening her own car door. Now…if you want to buy me the shoes or buy me the car, that’s different. It’s rude to turn down gifts you know.

Vajazzle= Ixnay on MY Va-Jay-Jay!

For those of you out there who have not heard of this term “vajazzle”, let me fill you in: This is the act of applying glitter and jewels to a woman’s nether regions for aesthetic purposes. Basically, you’re glitzin’ up the twat to make it more fancy and appealing, hence making yourself appear desperate and delusional.

Now that we got the def out of the way, can we please all say this together, ready? GO: WHAT THE FUCK?! Ladies! What happened to the days when a lacy thong, clean shave, or scented lotion was enough to jazz up the Y? Must we be applying glue to our skin in the formation of ruby jeweled flowers and pink crystal pussy cats in order to look presentable? Honestly.

Now we have websites (www.vajazzling.com- worth the click if you want to gasp with me), talk shows, 800 numbers, the whole sha-bang geared toward this supposed vajazzling. I know, a million questions are going through your head right now, as they should be. The design only lasts a few days and loose clothes are recommended so they don’t rub off, hey, this would be ideal for a nudist colony! Also, the website warns that your “vajazzle” won’t look as good with an STD so practice safe sex. Um…for $100 a jewel job, I’d rather just prance around and show it off, much less have a guy dry hump it off of me—ouch!

Another thought, why do the women feel the need to get all spruced up down there…I’m still trying to get over the whole “anal bleaching” thing, which is another “ixnay for MY boo-tay.” (Oh, new term? Google it). The guy is just happy to get you out of the panties without getting all distracted and blinded by the disco ball between your thighs. Plus, then he’ll get all confused about “Should I touch it?” “Will it rip her skin when we grind?” and “Is she going to get pissed if I loose one of these $17 gems in the process?” Or worse, “Am I supposed to be putting jewels on my balls?”

All I know is that the cock and the vagina are just fine “as is” provided they’re well maintained, smell fresh, and disease free. So guys, please don’t go dipping your dicks in glitter in an effort to keep up with the trend. This too shall pass…...

The disection of the perfect quote…

Ever heard that cute little phrase that goes a lil’ something like “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.” Touching, I know. May even bring a tear to an eye if spoken at the right moment. But after rereading this and thinking about it…um…yeah…it’s not entirely accurate.

The best my heart has ever felt, and it has felt pretty damn good, was usually a direct response from A) Either something I was looking at, or B) something I was touching. I’ll never forget the first time I saw Brad Pitt in Thelma & Louise and the way my heart sprouted wings and fluttered in circles around my chest, tickled the inside of my belly and floated down to the nether regions of, well, ya know. Oh and the time I put my bare feet in the blue water off the coast of Catalina Island while the fading glow of an orange sunset kissed my face and a light breeze drew circles in my long hair. Let’s just say my heart would never be the same.

So yes, I get that the heart is the core of all beauty in this world, but without something to visually stimulate that blood that lashes through our ventricles in that fired up thump we know as love or to feel, and even smell, the things that tickle our soul and warm our insides, the heart really can’t be given the power to feel. Joy, happiness, bliss...all those emotion fuel our heart, but the things that really kick it into over drive are usually the look of an eye looking back at you in just that right moment, or the feeling you get when you run your hands through your childs hair after they’ve fallen asleep in your arms.

Um, ok, so I just googled this quote and realized it’s from the beloved Helen Keller. Yes, she was blind and deaf, so it makes sense why her heart was so strong. She notes one of the most amazing points in her life was when her tudor Anne Sullivan led her to a water pump and spelled "W-A-T-E-R" into Helen's hand. It was electric! This feeling turned into a word. Helen then leaned down and tapped the ground; Anne spelled "E-A-R-T-H." That was the day Helen learned her first 30 words. I’m sure her chest was pumping with excitement, but that beautiful feeling in her heart was allowed to shine through because she “touched” the water and “felt” the earth resulting in the writing of letters in the palm of her hand. So the most beautiful things in the world “can” be touched, and are then “felt” with the heart. I rest my case.

I guess some quotes are dead on and some have little glimmers of truth. Like the “Good things come in small packages” quote. Cuz ya know that isn’t always the case...