It was hot today. Hot and humid. Getting to my car and cranking the air felt like a run for cover, a quest for survival, and ended with a wee little “bitch cuz it’s humid, but stop cuz I should be happy it’s still summer” kind of whimper.
As I was driving home with the A.C. cranked at my body in an attempt to ward away the sauna like conditions of my vehicle and to somehow make my legs not feel like they were dipped in hot tar and my forehead not feel like a wad of hubba bubba that was roasting on the sidewalk, I began to wonder…. “Could I possibly drive home topless and have no one notice?” And “Wow this deodorant really does kick it up in the heat-Mmm…coco nutty!” “Hey, why is that guy on the bench crying? Oh wait, he’s just sweating.” “You know, there really should be a national GET NUDE DAY for humid times like this.”
Got home. Googled it. There is. National Nude Day…who knew? I missed it though. It was on July 14th. Was it even hot on July 14th?
As I looked out my window during my drive home, after my sweat had dried into a nice chilled film across my brow and my shirt stopped sticking to my belly (I know, I know, I should have taken it off. With a chest like this, I could easily pass as a 12year old boy with long hair and a lipstick fetish, but I didn’t want a cop to pull me over on suspicion of underage driving) –anyhow, I couldn’t help but notice all the people around me that were surely roasting more than I. Like the elderly man in denim overalls on the bus bench, a cane in his right hand while his left hand rested on his oxygen tank OR the heavy set lady wearing what appeared to be polyester red pants and a tank top that crept up a tad too high and was wet in all the wrong places…. I suddenly felt very fortunate to be in my car.
So the Nude Day thing didn’t seem like such a good idea anymore after I cooled off. Because really? Looking at the people around me, I could only imagine the driving hazard it would cause!! “Wow, look at that nude guy on the Harley. I wonder if his balls are stuck to the seat. Do they flap in the wind?” “Hey, looks like that lady decided to go topless with a bikini bottom…oh wait….is that…her bush?” “ Wish I had an ass like that….” “Oh cool, the chic is riding the Harley over there and has her man as the passenger…oh…weird…she looks really tall….”
Yup. Nude day would be a total driving hazard for sure! I guess nudity is best kept in the colonies. Because really? I’d rather not see the world flashing their junk around. Besides, it’s not like people would be any less hot if they walked outside nude anyway. They’d just come back in with sweaty crotches and sticky boobs anyways…
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