Today. It’s been 3 years today since my Mom passed away. I’m not good at grieving and dealing with things that mess with my heart. Instead I block them out and pretend them away. If something bothers me I envision twisting up my feelings like a baseball and tossing them off into distance and saying “take that sucker.” It’s a problem and a savior all in one. My psychiatrist said if I have trouble verbalizing my feelings, I should journal them. It’s not healthy to let things bottle up you know. But of course. So here I am, uncorking the bottle of grief I have over the loss of my Mom and letting it spill out onto this blank white sheet of therapy and see what happens. I’m just going to let my heart ache and my fingers tap away for the whole world to see because when it comes to me and keyboards, I don’t hold anything back. My heart if very heavy right now so here goes....
No Title
Tremors. Flow and wave
inside and out
from minutes to days
years go by, can I say that yet?
Because it still feels raw
and endless
a wreck.
My heart. The beats go astray
tip tap, swoon crack
unpredictably finding their way
Can the halves be glued
into a mended disguise
a strong look of blank
behind the cheer filled eyes.
Memories. They steer my mind
A jerky wheel
drives the silent cries
peeking up reminding me
of that missing
hole
that forever will be.
Regrets. Their presence cuts through.
you say you don’t have them
but God knows you do.
Had I known
how little time she had here
how different I’d be
how I’d love without fear.
Alone. The safety this gives.
If I don’t emit sadness
perhaps it won’t exist.
I tuck it away
me myself and I
a shield of armor
guards the lonely hearts cry.
Emotions. Sway up and down.
my tilted balance beam
on a cold merry-go-round.
Trying to maintain
be pleasant, show peace
While your heart wants to
scream give her back to me.
Lies. In my bones their planted.
No chance to let go
of the pain they granted.
I intended to mention
these burdens I carried
but now she’ll never know
her beautiful ears are buried.
Guilt. A brick in my chest.
Swallowed me up
as she was laid to rest
My voice was silent
choked by denial
A blocked out act
disguised with a smile.
Why. So many of these.
forever coming at me
like the wind in the trees.
Did my heart shut down
to protect my mind
or was I too numb
to speak or try.
Wondering. Things she wanted.
dreams that were broken.
Conversations robbed of words never spoken.
I want to shake away
the thoughts of not knowing.
obtain it as is,
open my heart and keep glowing.
Acceptance. Like a light through the fog.
it flickers, it dances
It goes off and on.
And when I can’t see it
I start fresh again
I create, I become it
Or sometimes pretend.
Love. How far can it travel.
Does she see, does she know
The feelings I unravel.
The thoughts I think
and how I miss her hair
the ache I feel
every day she’s not there.
Love. Can it cross over all
Does she feel, does she hear
when I cry in my car
I look at her face
every lash, every pore
every mole, every scar
I imprint it once more.
Love. It’s infinite and final.
It adheres, it releases
it comes back once in a while.
It remembers, it hugs
never letting me go
sometimes you must be emptied
to once again become whole.
Love. It’s my greatest strength
I trust in my knowing
that some bonds never break.
Losing my Mom
was my worst fear, my deepest ache
but when I lay in bed at night
I know
somewhere
she’s awake.
