The Fly Swatter debacle

A fly-swatter.

That is all I needed. One item. I am going to walk into Target,no basket or cart necessary and grab this one single fly-swatter and walk back out. That was the plan.

I walk in. Briskly. Eyes straight ahead. On a mission for a fly-swatter. But where oh where would one be placed? It's an insect, it's annoying. It needs to go away. It would be by the ant killer, mouse traps, rodent spray...yes. Where would that aisle be? Ah-ha there it is. Eyes go up and down and all around. No swatter here.

Hmmm.... guess I'll just comb a few aisles and see if I can find it.

This is where the trouble starts. Oh? Clearance items at the end of the aisle here? Well....I do need some nail polish remover. Oh? Sale? What's this buy 3 get one free over here? OK I'll just grab a little basket since they're so conveniently placed at the end of every aisle....

Fly swatter. I still need this. Would it be by camping items? People probably need a swatter in their pop-up, bet those flies are annoying in a tent right?! That's where they will be! Found the section, found no swatter in sight. Had to pass through the grocery section to get to the camping section and my basket has now turned into a cart and suddenly I'm buying a new brand of granola bar, but hey it's organic and non-GMO so what the hell. Now that I have my cart in tow I may as well text the hubby and see if he needs anything..... My cart fills up and my will power goes down.

Where is the damn fly swatters in this joint?! Is this some sort of trick? A hunting game? Are they discreetly hidden in the very back corner of the store surrounded by impulse buys and shit that's on sale but I have no need for but I'm a sucker for a deal so.... And where the hell are all the red shirted people asking me if I'm finding everything ok?! They are no where in sight! I bet they're by the fly-swatters.....

I finally see a red shirt in the distance and lightly jog over. "Hey! I have combed this store from top to bottom, please tell me you know where the fly-swatters are." He does. Score! I happily trot after him curious to see where this hidden gem could be....what aisle are you hiding in?

Kitchen supplies. Huh? I said "So the fly swatters are by the can openers and slotted spoons?" I mean, I know the fly swatter is shaped a bit like a spatula although they have entirely different purposes. Do people think flies only set up residence in the kitchen? Because my particular annoyance of the moment has been buzzing around the master bath for 3 days straight and has been playing ping pong with his head in the light fixture I'm sure of it.

He says he knows the fly swatters are here. He's in a red shirt and khakis so I trust him. Our eyes are in unison trying to find the needle in the haystack here. Colanders, forks, oven mitts, no swatter. He pulls a gadget out of his back pocket and starts punching buttons. I envision him typing in "WHERE THE F*#K ARE THE FLY SWATTERS" as that is the only thought in my head at this point and the fact that my frozen items are probably melting....

"Oh. That's why," he chimes. "We're out." Out. Out? OUT?! How can one be out of stock in flyswatters?! They should be dangling from the ceiling at this time of year! They should be hanging from those little strips at the end of every aisle. They should be by the gum at check-out and peeking out from behind boxes of tampons and bags of Cheetos. But they are not, they are stone cold out-of-stock.

Do you realize that I now have a cart full of unnecessary items and 30 minutes of invested time under my belt? A $2 purchase that should have taken 2 minutes has turned into me using an actual cart and grabbing things strategically placed to practically jump aboard the red wheeled money maker without a coupon in sight?

I think I rambled some of these thoughts out loud as he smiled kindly and backed away as a fly came out of nowhere and started flaunting a victory around his head like a halo.

A whispering bzzzzbzzzzz singing it's praises in the air. Cocky little suckers aren't they? I could only shake my head at the little fly guy and push my cart of "the plan that came undone" to check-out.

A fly-swatter. One thing. It was all I needed and yet the only thing I left without. They should have a sign at the entry that says "Check your will power at the door" and an even bigger sign out front that says "WE ARE OUT OF FLY SWATTERS"for which I then would have spun around, went back to the car and drove home. Free of frustration, no money spent and no time wasted. I would have then seen that the fly who was driving me batty had died peacefully on my bathroom counter-top. Maybe it was a brain injury from banging his head on the light-bulb. Maybe he fried himself in it. Maybe he was old. One can only speculate.

Nonetheless the swatter can wait another day....

Junk Drawers and other Mysteries

I decided to walk into the lion’s den today and tackle our “junk drawer.” Everyone has one. It’s the catchall for loose change, packs up gum, legos, objects that fall into “what the hell is this? It might go to something, better keep it” category. Old keys. Receipts. Buttons. Paper clips. You name it.

So I did it. I emptied it and cleaned it and put all the shit back in it although now it is in organized “sections” of which I give less than a month to be ripped into one big hurricane of junk again. Some things I tossed. Some things made me cry. Some things I swear are not ours but yet made their way into the Schmidt junk drawer. Anyone missing a pair of Oakley aviators by the way?

So how do drawers end up like this? Who takes a piece of gum and throws the wrapper back in the drawer? Why keep buttons when the world knows I can’t sew to save my life. If the button needs replacing, consider yourself the owner of a new shirt.

Anyhow. I thought it remarkable that I found over TEN pairs of sunglasses in this drawer. Ridiculous. I have a pair in the glove box, a pair in my purse, and 3 pairs in my closet. I’m sure there are beach bags with shades in them from last summer and my kid has at least 8 pairs floating around from school functions or b-day party gifts. It’s like a sunglass hut up in here.

And keys. My god the keys! Spare keys to my Mazda I sold 2 years ago. Random keys to everything under the sun and none of which I know go to what. Keys that look like diary keys, jewelry box keys, and lock box keys…none of which I own. Where does this shit come from?!

Amongst all the loose change (of which I’m hoping can cash out to be enough to buy me a few drinks at the bar), breath mints, gadgets, lint rollers, playing cards (the rest of deck is where?!), marbles, whistles, flash-lights, nail polish, chap-stick, and old receipts… I found no less than 20 bic lighters. No shit. Who needs all these?! Who bought them? How did they end up in this drawer? Better yet, why did I put them back in the drawer?! It was towards the end and what else does one do with them?

My apologies for finding wedding invites that never had the RSVP returned (so cringe worthy!!) I never do that and all I can say is “IT WASN’T ME.”

Rummaging through my drawer of junk made me realize how quickly our lives fly by. How this drawer is the collecting hub of all the makings of our days. The sunblock from last Summer that I tossed in the drawer after coming back from the water park parched and fried. The old Crayola sunglasses that Landon wore when he was 4. I can still see him smiling in his car seat, thinking he was Mr. Cool. The mocha lip balm I had to buy because it tasted like hot chocolate and coconuts and I wore every day in Orlando…and then forgot about. The key chain from Landon’s fun run that he thought was cool for a day and then not so much. Old pink erasers purchased for school but never made it into the backpack, one day he’ll be too big for those big pink erasers. The old photos of everything that makes you melt…baby announcements of kids that are now eight and pictures of Landon as a toddler wearing clothes that has been sold and playing with toys that have been lost along the years. You see how quickly life slips by. What you remember. What you forgot. What you can’t bring yourself to throw away for fear of losing a memory that could be tied to it.

So maybe it’s good to let the shit build up for a few years again. Maybe it’s good to look back and go through some memories while organizing.  Maybe we need that? A junk drawer.

We probably don’t need 3 though and that was just drawer #1. Lord help me. I don’t know if I should move on to drawer #2, start a bic-lighter stand out front (screw lemonade) or cash in my change and hit the pub.

Decisions decisions.