It seems like every time I turn around there’s a new “pill” to fix something, prevent something, or promise to somehow make your life better. We have pills that claim to make our hair thicken, our penises grow, and our eyelashes lengthen. Pills to rid us of depression, give us energy, and increase our sex drive. Pills, pills, pills, well, here are a few things I WISH there was a pill for….
I wish there was pill called “feet heat.” For all the times when my toes are ice cold, which is basically every single day, I could simply pop a pill and within minutes my feet would get toasty warm. “Oh what’s that honey? You want the AC on even though it’s 68 degrees outside? No problem, I’ll just pop a couple “feet heat” and I’ll be fine.”
I wish there was a pill called Insta-Sleep. This would make up for those nights where you didn’t get any, sleep that is. So instead of dragging ass and overdosing on caffeine, you just pop one of these pills and it sort of makes your brain turn into a ball of energetic sunshine, as if you woke up from a long 8 hour slumber. Wouldn’t that be nice? I’d stay up so much later…
I wish there was a pill that could give people common sense. This would be for the ones who just “don’t get it” and usually look a little dazed and confused when everyone else is nodding along in understanding. Pop the pill called “Drop of Sense” and voila’, you too can have the knack of common knowledge!
I wish there was a pill to make people get to the point. Faster. I often find myself on the phone with a client that’s sloooooowly speaking, not really getting anywhere, and I often find myself waving my hands in circular motions, wishing to pry the point off their tongue. This would be a pill for those people. Perhaps it could be called “sPILL it out already!”
I reeeeaaalllly wish there was a pill to make you sober. The music is pumping, your heart is pounding, your mind is intoxicated and the adrenaline is making you feel like a warm dose of fantabulous fun…but then the inevitable moment always comes when it’s bar close and you have to somehow get from point “A” to point ”B” and it’s the fight for the cab time. UNLESS of course, you pop a pill called “Sober Roller” and poof, you got your poker face on and the alcohol evaporates like fairy dust and your brain cells perk up and the buzz slowly slips away. You get in your car and drive home without a trace of ever drinking. Love this idea. To pieces actually.
This leads to, of course, a pill that takes away the hangover. You wake up with your face smashed into a pillow, a stream of drool sliding down your cheek (if you’re lucky, it’s only drool), red eyes that feel like bowling balls of fire, a throat that’s raw and a mind that’s only half alive. Keep a bottle of “Hang-up the Hangover” on your bedside table and you only have to roll over, pop a pill and release the wish for death and hug your healthy mind. Magic is just a pill away. Of course, this would be a pill that would dissolve on your tongue for those real emergencies where there is no water available and nobody to assist you.
Wow, I could go on and on with this pill thing. A pill to make people smarter and a pill to make people turn from assholes to gentlemen, a pill to erase our wrinkles and make us young again! Come on you geniuses out there; give me a pill to make me grow taller!! Or how about change your eye color? That would be fun! OK, I could just run with this…oh and a pill to make me run faster….OK I’ll quit now before I type all night on this one :)
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