Memories with Marnee (Cheers to 39 years!)

Sisters have an understanding of each other that is undefinable to those who are not of the same blood, bonded by the same memories, and fused with similar pasts. Only sisters know what underwear one wore at the age of 7, what things made them cry after school, what the name of your first cabbage patch doll was, and how many mashed potatoes you would eat in one sitting.

Sisters are the only ones who know exactly what you’re talking about when you start off by saying “Remember that time when....”

These are the joys of sisterhood. I was fortunate to be blessed with three. Marnee is the one closest to my age and TODAY is her birthday. Since it’s Sunday and I have the time, she gets this special blog of which I will detail some of my “Remember when”  memories of which I share with this extraordinary human being. I apologize in advance for any embarrassment this may cause. You know I love you.

Remember how we used to cook the best snack on the planet by putting a kettle on the stove and heating up chocolate chips and peanut butter and mixing it with Rice Krispies and Corn Flakes and eating it with a spoon?

Remember how our sheets were so full of static electricity that we would give ourselves shocks by whipping the covers up and down on our bed and creating our own lightening storm? We would try to start a fire but it never worked...

Remember how we didn’t have air conditioning for the majority of our life in that house?!  We had that big loud floor fan blow on us but the air was still hot and we thought we were going to melt? Remember when we finally got air conditioning and thought we entered heaven?!

Remember that time when there was a snake in our bedroom? I’m pretty sure our screams were heard within a 5 mile radius! I’ll never forget Dad trying to find it in my shoes, thinking I was screaming over a black shoe lace and Mom was armed with a garden hoe. Ha!

Remember how we used to unknowingly pollute our lungs with Aqua Net hairspray and then frantically wave our hand in front of our nose as if that would somehow clear the air?

Remember that time Jenny talked us into opening our Christmas presents when Dad was at work and Mom was in Mexico and then we re-wrapped them? Yeah, me neither.

Remember sitting under Mom’s old fashioned hair dryer after our baths and singing into the big hood top of it to make it sound like we were professional singers?


Remember playing tennis on the street? We would hit the ball back and forth for hours and if one of us missed it the person on the side by the hill would have to run all the way down the hill to get it? That was so fun!

Remember watching The Wizard of Oz together EVERY year it was on television and laughing uncontrollably at the lion running through the glass window?

Remember playing those little string games with our fingers? I always won right?

Remember that time you wrote a letter to Emmanuel Lewis (Webster) and he actually wrote you back on floral stationary of his Mom’s? That was real right? I think he said you were one of the only people who wrote him an actual fan letter. That was awesome!

Remember how we used to wake up every morning before school and do that aerobics video with the woman in the blue leotard? I can still remember how it starts and ends!

Remember your obsession with rice cakes? How about your paranoia of germs? I do :)

Remember that phase you went through where you hated your name. Then you wanted to change how it was spelled and have it be M-A-R-N-I-E or M-A-R-N-I. I remember you writing it that way for awhile. Then you got over it and went back to Marnee.

Remember that time at the cabin when we rowed ourselves out in that inflatable boat and got all bit up by those little bugs? I think they were jiggers or chiggers or something and we itched for days. That sucked!!

Remember that time we were fishing with Dad and somehow managed to tangle up our lines under the boat even though they were cast on opposite sides? I thought Dad was going to explode with irritation and never take us fishing again! Oh wait, I think that was the last time he took us fishing...

Remember that time Mom was laying on the dock in the sun and Dad told her there was a leech on her leg? She jumped so high she flew up right off the dock and fell into the water!

Remember the time we were on vacation and met those guys at the beach and we went motorcycling with them even though we knew them for 5 minutes? We didn’t even wear helmets and had no clue if they were serial killers or not. Ha!

Remember when we got our phone in our room. It was pink with white buttons. We thought it was the coolest thing ever. Remember trying to listen in on Jenny’s phone calls? Oh wait, we would never do such a thing.

Remember that time we were strawberry picking at Denny&Janice’s with Grandma and you suddenly came up with the best invention in the world called “The Strawberry picker.” It was some tool that would pick strawberries with this handle contraption and you even drew out this diagram of it and thought it was some million dollar idea. I have a confession: You were so enthusiastic about it that I smiled and nodded along with excitement but the truth is, I didn’t understand what the hell you were talking about and just pretended to think it was brilliant to not hurt your feelings. ‘Bet you forgot all about it anyways seeings how you’re not a millionaire right?

Oh the funny memories of childhood we have!! Aren’t they great?!

The best part is that now there are pieces of you in all of your five children and I can’t wait to meet the one growing in your belly! Sometimes the way Emma’s eyes jet around with excitement or how Caroline gets that look on her face...it makes me feel like I’m a kid with you again. They are you. The fact that you are recreated in all these lovely children makes me feel even luckier. Thank you for being such a baby-maker, it enlightens my life!

But what I most love about you is this: When I look back on our life together, growing up and playing Monopoly and dancing to Madonna songs, watching Who’s The Boss and Growing Pains and eating an entire batch of Mom’s chocolate chip cookies without an ounce of guilt. Between becoming adults and getting married and having kids and all that I can honestly say that every memory I have with you is GOOD. That’s the truth. If we ever fought, I don’t even remember it. The good times obviously out-weighed any bad. I remember laughing. A LOT. Even when you were a nanny out in NY or at college in SD we always wrote each other and called each other and whenever we were on the phone everyone at my apartment would know it was you just by the way I laughed. Nobody could make me lose my breath like you could in laughter. I think we just “get each other” in that special way where nothing can be offensive and everything we feel and say is accepted. Its a sisterly love. So on this special day I wish you the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER (so cliche!) and many more to come. Thank you for being YOU Marnee.

(I’m glad you never changed your name. I think it’s beautiful and unique. Just like you)

Just another day....for everybody else.

To everyone else it feels like just another day in March. Title it “hump day” or “mid week” or just a plain old Wednesday. The sun rises and sets. Work shifts start and end. Good mornings and good nights are exchanged. Stop lights turn. Coffee cups empty. Shoes are tied. Papers read. A normal old Wednesday welcomes normal old routines for people all around this big vast universe. Not to me though. This little sticker that has been stuck on my window for the past 90 or so days has been a constant reminder of a looming date that holds a lot more significance than when I need my next oil change. I almost ripped it off a few times because I felt tiny scratches on my heart when I used to look at it. Then I changed my way of thinking. I chose to not glare at it with dread anymore, but rather inhale it’s presence with tiny glances of remembrance, honor, and LOVE.

This day the 12th of March will mark another “year passed” of how long my Mom has been gone. This marks year #2. My broken heart has not broken me. I have survived. My heart kept ticking along even though the heart that brought me into this world had stopped. I have carried on for 730 days and counting since we put her to rest and covered her with the earth. I think about her every single day and every single day I miss her but as the saying goes: Time heals all wounds. My heart used to bleed. Then it bruised. Now it feels like a scar has formed. It still throbs when it beats while that lump gets caught in my throat on the days where I miss her extra hard. Like today. I expect that though, I embrace it like I embrace the memories we have. Pain comes without invitation and I have learned to just breathe it in and exhale it out until it slowly subsides.

It made me realize that this ONE day, this day that brings up thoughts of loss and pain is just a number on a calendar. It doesn’t have to be this day where I sling my head down, bury it in my hands and bawl my eyes out since it is the anniversary of her death. Am I supposed to hurt more on this day than I did yesterday or tomorrow? It hurts all the damn time. It just marks a point with the number thing. I hate numbers. I realize that every day of the year is THAT DAY to someone. Every day is an anniversary to someone's loss of a loved one. I could be buying a coffee and the person handing it to me could have lost a brother 3 years ago from THAT DAY. The mailman could be dropping letters in boxes on THAT DAY where he lost his mother. Every day is a day is day is a day. Truly though. You never know what someone is going through. Especially people like me who tend to dress their sorrow with a veil and only lift it on rare occasions for brief moments less they completely fall apart into a thousand pieces of which cannot be reassembled. It’s much easier to be a brick than a spiderweb.

So, this will always be THAT DAY though. For me. The day where I feel a deep sense of loving acknowledgment for all the wonderful gifts of wisdom and laughter that my Mom blessed me with and then sorrow for all the time that was so wistfully stolen from us. This is HER DAY. I love her with such deep and endless longing that it can only grow stronger as time goes on. I know she feels it as I feel her. We connect on new levels in new ways with new lessons as time goes on. I feel new feelings and discover new mysteries from her departure. It’s magical how love can grow after death. Our eyes may not meet, but our souls? They connect more than I ever deemed possible.

So yes. This is a significant day for me. But numbers on the clock will change, the day will darken and Thursday March 13th will arrive. That will be someone else’s day that makes their heart quiver with remembrance.

The sun will rise. I will stretch my arms, drink my coffee, take the dog out, kiss my son and husband, drive to work, and carry on with life along with the rest of the world.  And in another 364 days, MY DAY will come again and the love for my Mother will intertwine itself within the imbedded memories of that toughened heart that beats beneath a beautiful scar.

Then I’ll look at that sticker on my window and hear the voice of my mother echo in that sweet tone that sounds like she’s “trying not to tell me what to do but is still concerned about my choices” voice of hers “Melanie, you should probably schedule an oil change.”

One two three and the BALANCE of me.

“You need 3 things in life: Something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to. If you aren’t happy, one of those things is off balance” I heard a psychologist say this a couple years ago. I can respect that. I get it. She didn’t explain in detail any of the things or why her father told her this from a very young age, but those 3 things stuck with me. I’ve pondered them and concluded that I have a tiny adjustment and added elaboration to go with the 3 things I believe equate balance in my life.

It’s Saturday morning, I should be sleeping in! I’m unusual and sporadic in my resting patterns so I’m choosing to blog out a little early morning wisdom on the computer instead.


Here they are:

Someone to love. I know it’s cliche! It’s a strong one though. Know this: When you have someone to love, all the best parts of your mind and soul are enhanced. It’s like the glossy top coat on a manicure that seals it all. Love makes everything underneath feel better and everything on the exterior is intensified and more attractive. People who are deep in the throes of new love actually GLOW. Those who have settled into a deep substantial relationship of love have a strong construction both inside and out. But that’s just the more intimate kind.
There is so much more to this whole love thing than a partner type/marriage/ sexual 
relationship.
    People don’t actually “need” that type of love, it’s nice but not necessary to experience love. Love can come in the form of ANYONE. A best friend, a mentor, a coach, a parent, a sibling, a dog. As long as you have someone that you can feel love towards, someone that keeps you going, has the ability to bring out the best in you and will be there for you through the rocky roller coasters of life, hold your hand and support you during your greatest aspirations as well as your failures than you know what it is to love. Yes, Self-love trumps all but in the grand scheme of things it isn’t enough to sustain you through the journey of your life. You need SOMEONE to love. It really does make the world go ‘round.

2.) Something to look forward to. There must always be something in your life to look forward to. This keeps the heart ticking and the mind awake. Having something to look forward to can instantly make you feel a push inside. It’s like a little ball of happiness that raises up inside your chest when you think of all the things you have to look forward to. I believe that when a person runs out of things to look forward to, their life in general starts to lose it’s purpose. It has been written in suicide notes that people felt they had no longer had anything to live for hence nothing to look forward to. Losing things to look forward to can begin to derail your insides this is why it is SO important!
I always try to focus on the upcoming goodness of life. Some examples (don’t laugh they’re true!): When I was four years old I used to go to bed with excitement because I knew I got to play with my paper dolls in the morning. I would lie there and contemplate which outfits I would dress them in the next day (ok you can laugh). I know this sounds ridiculous but at 4 years old I sincerely looked forward to that and it made me fall asleep with a happy heart! Haha. The point is, when you have something to look forward to it’s like pushing down the gas pedal inside of you. Sometimes it’s a long acceleration and sometimes it comes in quick pumps. It keeps you going though. Remember the excitement of a particular sports game? Going to prom? An upcoming vacation? A date? A pay check?
Having something to look forward to is imperative to the happiness of life. I think the sole desire of seeing whether or not a love letter would be waiting in my desk when I got to school in the morning was the driving force to get me out of bed my enter year of 6th grade. And when I was obsessed with iced mocha frappacinos I would literally look forward to that cup of sweet iced chocolate yumminess every single day of my life and feel a giddy heartbeat every time I sipped it (Yes, it was a sugar addiction tsk-tsk. I now feel that way about fresh juice haha). In all seriousness though, if you feel off or down you may not have enough things sitting on the ledge in your mind entitled “Things to look forward to.” It should always be overflowing, even little things count. Current things on my shelf: Summer (it will eventually come and I plan on drinking up every second of it), watching the movie 12 years a slave this weekend, going on a couple trips within the next 2 months, my husband’s and son’s presence, going to yoga and Bodies by Burgoon, reading some new books, getting my nails done......These things are simple and yet they are things I am looking forward to. Some more than others!

3.) Someplace to enhance yourself. This one can be elaborated in a few ways. The gist of it is this: I believe there has to be a place (mentally or physically) that you can take yourself to get that time for just you. A place that expands your mind and feeds your soul. Maybe it’s a corner in your home where you can read a book or meditate. Perhaps it’s a 1,0000 piece puzzle on your dining room table. Maybe it’s a church or temple. Maybe it’s an art studio. Maybe you keep a journal or blog or take swimming lessons. The point is that it’s YOUR THING and you feel focused and “In the zone” when you’re doing it. For me those things come in many forms: I love to write, many things in many ways. I go to yoga and feel totally centered from all angles while I’m there. I like to spend a lot of time creating new healthy recipes and cooking helps my creative side shine. My gym (that’s nothing like a gym) Bodies by Burgoon hits my enhancement on a multitude of sections by pushing me to new levels physically and mentally and changing the things my body is capable of by putting the power back in my mind.
When you constantly strive to improve yourself and entertain different goals through life it will keep you engaged in your well-being as a whole. There is no finish line to understanding who you are and nurturing the parts that make you feel good inside. Enhance yourself!

Well there’s the 3 things that I believe keep me balanced. I will sum it up in one final statement: "There is no end to the definition of who you are. If you have SOMEONE to love, SOMETHING to look forward to and SOMEPLACE to enhance yourself you will have a happy heart and a balanced life."

Hmmm...I should have been a psychologist instead. Dr. Melanie Schmidt. Has a nice ring to it, no?