The Bad Girls Guide to Good Health

**This is an article that was published in SELF magazine. I found it interesting, so thought I'd share it with you! I've added my own "personal" thoughts in RED INK.



Scientists have already given their blessings to guilty pleasures such as nibbling chocolate (I have chocolate every single day or else I get cranky) (it's high in antioxidants) and sipping wine (red vino is heart-healthy). Now, studies are finding upsides to other so-called bad behaviors. Some things — like smoking or an addiction to cookies 'n' cream (I do love my ice cream so I beg to differ—there are mood altering advantages to eating it and yes I believe I am proof this) — we'd never endorse, but these six naughty habits can feel good and be good for you.
1. Getting pissed off can keep stress in check
A little anger may be a tonic for both your mind and body. (I knew that my temper tantrums and verbal expolsions had to be related to something positive!) For example, new studies suggest that riled-up people make better decisions. (So the next time you lose your cool and accidentally tell someone to go f*#k theirselves, just let them know you’re on the verge of making a very important decision so pease don’t take offense. Hmm…makes sense) And researchers at Carnegie Mellon University found that anger — as opposed to fear or anxiety — can prompt your brain to release less cortisol, the powerful stress hormone linked to problems like obesity, bone loss, and heart disease. "Traditionally, it has been difficult for women to express anger effectively, because we're 'supposed' to act nurturing and sensitive," (huh? I think I have male genetics then) says Julie K. Norem, Ph.D., author of The Positive Power of Negative Thinking. So let your ire out. Just don't go overboard; chronic rage is unproductive.



2. Downing coffee could cut your cancer risk
Coffee's most exalted attribute — energy-boosting caffeine — has nothing on its real health superpowers. Studies show that drinking daily joe may minimize your risk for Parkinson's disease, cancer, and type 2 diabetes (Ha! Finally some validation for my 16 oz. mocha icecrema with whipped cream! I always do feel muuuuch better after having one) . Why? Most chronic diseases are related to inflammation, and coffee is chock-full of anti-inflammatory compounds, says Shelley McGuire, Ph.D., an associate professor of nutrition at Washington State University. Coffee also has more antioxidants than almost any other food (is that really true? I thought beans and berries had the most antioxidants- who did this study??). Sip one to three high-octane or decaf cups a day, but make sure you steer clear of fat traps such as whipped-cream-topped lattes (Boooo! Whipped cream is the icing on the cake baby). "If you're piling on calories," warns McGuire, "you're probably wiping out the benefits."
3. Being a slob may help you breathe easier
Messy women everywhere cheered when a British study found that an unmade bed could nix in-house allergens (turns out, tucked-in sheets can offer dust mites a covered breeding area). (I always make the bed with untucked sheets= points for me!)But here's even more encouraging news for the not-so-tidy: Environmental and internal medicine expert Kenneth Rosenman, M.D., says you should focus on keeping your home reasonably clean, not entirely pristine.(Wonderful news! The dust won’t bug me as much now- or the spotted windows-yippee!) "The huge push to disinfect our homes isn't healthy," he explains. "A little messiness is OK." Zapping every germ around — including the harmless ones — can clear the way for more serious or resistant strains. Plus, certain household disinfectant sprays and air fresheners release chemicals that can heighten asthma risk. Skip spray cleaners in favor of environmentally friendly pourable ones — and don't forget that a simple clean damp cloth can do wonders.
4. Drinking beer may benefit your heart and bones
(Love where this is going already) Go ahead, crack open that brewski: (I think I will thank-you) Research indicates that beer could be an even better heart-disease fighter than red wine, says Charles Bamforth, Ph.D., a professor of food science and technology at the University of California at Davis. The refreshing stuff is made with malted barley, which happens to contain the same heart-protecting antioxidants that give red wine its good name. But beer also packs high levels of vitamin B6 (ahh...the happy vitamin), which keeps our bodies from building up homocysteine, a chemical linked to increased coronary risk. And your whole body gets a boost in the form of silica,(aka: the buzz) a compound that helps strengthen bones(so that’s what the tingling is about! But why the extra bruises in the morning? Hmmmm). Bamforth suggests sticking to one beer a day(borrr-riiiing). Look for brews made with ample pale malt and hops (i.e., pale ales), which are especially rich in silica.
5. Surfing the Internet might tune up your brain
(If that’s the case, than I am one well-tuned machine!) All that online shopping may yield more than a fab pair of heels(yessssss). A new study at the University of California at Los Angeles found that just one week of frequent Web browsing can fire up your brain's complex-reasoning hubs. "Time online may improve your ability to make decisions," says study coauthor and psychiatrist Gary Small, M.D. It's possible that the more we surf, the more efficient our brains can become at strategizing, he explains. "It's like going to the gym. (A race of the mind for bargain hunting, me likey) After a while, you can lift more weight with less effort." But scientists aren't giving i-geeks free license to click around all day and night. Take regular breaks and, adds Small, be sure to socialize with actual humans.
6. Chewing gum can keep you trim
(I have at least one piece a day) We hate to burst the bubble of etiquette watchers, but recent research shows that chomping on gum — ever so politely, of course — can improve both short- and long-term memory (scientists are still figuring out exactly why). And chewing the stuff might also help you slim down (could that be how Britney slimmed down? Hmmm), according to new research from the University of Rhode Island. Animal research suggests that frequent chewing can stimulate the brain's satiety center, which is responsible for making us feel full, says lead study author Kathleen Melanson, Ph.D., R.D. (Bonus: Her subjects also had higher energy levels.) Go with a stick of the sugar-free kind. (Hmm…a different study said that chewing gum makes you swallow air, which results in bloating, which causes gas, but isn’t that always the case with articles like this? What’s good is bad and what’s bad in good, it’s all in how you perceive it)
© 2010 Rodale Inc. All rights reserved.

A little memo to the reality TV stars:

This is a tiny little message to all The Real Housewives, Bachelor/Bachelorette wannabes, Jersey Girls, chics from The Hills, etc. You got your fame, isn’t that enough? Let me drive my point here: I like your shows, even though it’s a love/hate thing with reality TV, I still watch them as it sort of satisfies my “get-to-peek-into-people’s-lives-without-being-illegal” kind of fetish thing I have. It’s entertaining, makes me giggle, and if nothing else, makes me grateful for the life I have. How-eVer, can we please just keep it as that? Must we suddenly think we can put out a hit record, write best sellers, and come out with jewelry, make-up, and skin care lines on top of it? Ugh. Money can’t buy you everything, and there’s not a dollar in the world that can make you hit that high “C” note without hours of electronic altering. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ANYTHING MORE THAN THE REALITY STAR YOU ARE. WE are fine with you that way.

Every other Real Housewife just “happens” to decide they can sing in one season or another and I have not heard one voice that proves that singing is their hidden little forte. Hell, I can sing better than most of them, even after I’ve had a few too many cocktails and the karaoke machine isn’t spittin' the right lyrics. And skincare lines? How in the hell do you suddenly know about anti-aging? Didn’t Botox and Restalyne get your face that way? And why you still puffin’ on Marlboros behind the scenes? Is that part of your anti-wrinkle regime? It just doesn’t even make sense!

Kardashian girls, you know I love you, although I yell at the TV when you are on. Especially you, Kourtney, but it gets the ratings. However….why do you girls have to keep coming out with more and more products? You’re rolling in the dough already, have your clothing stores and fashion lines. But now we have perfumes? Self tanner? Teeth whitening pens? Quick slim diet pills? Enough already! I’m just waiting for them to come out with a scented tampon line… 3 sizes: small, medium, and large for each body type. Seriously, it wouldn’t shock me.

All this added shit people need to do once their name is known only screams “money hungry and willing to do anything to keep it rolling in.” It’s getting to be a little much. Just because you became famous through that little box called the television and people recognize your face, it does NOT mean, you can suddenly acquire the skills to pen a novel, understand how to rid acne, or design a jewelry line. Your gift is to be a “reality TV” star because people either love to hate you, enjoy watching you make mistakes and fail in love, cry over some boy, or get a kick out of your loud mouth drama. You don’t have to be anything more. I don’t want to hear you screech to the sound of a hip hop beat when your pushing 50 or watch you try and sell a tanning line when the last time I saw you in US Weekly you looked like a pale excuse for a pumpkin (a-hem Lindsey Lohan). So just stick to what you know and stop trying to make more and more money, when I’m sure you’re doing just fine as it is.

Thank you for listening. And thank you for entertaining me.

Wide eyed and Sleep deprived

No matter what, I cannot get a good night’s sleep if I drink the night before. It just doesn’t happen. I haven’t gotten a straight 8 hours sleep after a night of drinking since…well, my college years? It’s just a random in- and- out, toss and turn, twist and shout type of uncomfortable state of mind I get in. I can feel every step of the hangover settle in. The slight headache arises, my eyelids feel like sandpaper, the heart gets a little racy, sometimes skips a beat, sometimes moves up into my ear drum. And the thoughts, oh, it’s the thoughts are what really get me. As I teeter in between drunk and sober, conscious and subconscious, the thoughts are the biggest hindrance to my much needed beauty sleep. After lying awake since 3 a.m., listening to the soft lull of my husband’s snoring, I have finally decided to just get up, make a coffee and eat some donuts. The thoughts that keep me up are so ridiculous and random; I feel the need to share them. Here they are, in no particular order (I think that’s why our heads are round, so the thoughts can circulate easier):

“What should I all buy at Target today? Nico needs milk bones, can’t forget that. I must get some more Claritin-D. I should see if I can Google a coupon for that. Do I still have that Target coupon for $10 off? I bet it’s expired. I really want to go to Sephora, but I shouldn’t, I’ll just walk away buying shit I don’t need. But life is short, and make-up makes me happy. I’m going to go there. I should look at their website, wasn’t there a new liquid eye liner from that tattoo chic with the make-up line? Cat Von Dee or something? Didn’t she have a reality show? I wonder what happened with that. Must have gotten cancelled. Oh! I have to watch The Jersey Shore that I recorded, and The Real Housewives of D.C. I should go watch them. I wonder how much money they make. And of course, that isn’t good enough because then they have to go making jewelry, or starting a skincare line, or trying to become a singer, or writing a cook book. Books. I have a stack of 5 books I need to read. I have to finish the one I’m reading now first. Then which one should I read? (This thought went on for a good 15 minutes as I reviewed the details of every book in my head, trying to determine what kind of book I was in the mood for, mystery, humor, memoir?) I should just get up and go watch TV. Why the hell can’t I sleep? Am I still drunk? Maybe my body digests alcohol at a really messed of rate, and I actually become drunk as I lay in bed trying to sleep, so that’s why I’m awake with crazy thoughts spinning around. Does this mean I’m at my drunken prime at 6 a.m.? WTF. That would be weird. I wonder if there are any chocolate donuts left, or did Landon eat them all. I could really go for some bacon and onion fried won tons that we ate at The Bulldog. Those were the bomb. I want some. Now I’m hungry. What should I eat? I should make a carrot cake today. I’m in the mood for cream cheese frosting. I can’t believe I haven’t gone to the Farmers market!! I haven’t even had sweet corn and summers almost over! I want a big bouquet of flowers from there too. Hey, should I have gotten flowers yesterday for our anniversary? Hmmm…I’m excited to go to Bar La Grassa tonight. I must try that soft egg and lobster thing Ole talks about. I can’t wait to see “A Street Car named Desire” tonight. I’ll probably be so tired though with no sleep. Will I have time to nap today? Where the hell is the Advil? I thought it was on my nightstand. Ugh. I feel dehydrated and ill. That’s it I’m going to get up and have some donuts and go on facebook. Maybe then I’ll get tired…”

I thought all this typing would wear me out. It did not. I am still wired. Still awake. Still have a headache.

I’m off to google new Sephora products now….

The 4 Way Stop, easy as 1-2-3

Four way stops. How complicated can it be? There is one rule and one rule only: The first vehicle to arrive at a complete stop is the first vehicle allowed to leave the stop sign. Done.

I go through a particular 4 way stop almost every day near where I work, and I can’t tell you how many people don’t seem to understand the simplicity of a four way stop. These are the problems I’ve witnessed:

The person who’s in a hurry: This person will pull up, give a quick 1 second tap to the breaks, pay no attention to any cars in the vicinity and go ahead and floor on through the stop sign completely oblivious to the other cars patiently waiting their turn. While the people in the 3 other vehicles at the stop sign are thinking “What an A-hole”, this person is driving happily along, either on their cell phone, jammin’, out, or totally stoned.

The confused person: This type comes to a complete stop and continues to look both ways, but never really moves. It’s as if they’re waiting for the sign to either turn green or flip over and say “GO.” Pretty soon the 4 way stop has turned into a 4 way WTF. Someone usually ends up honking, and the person seems to wake up with an expression that says “Oh, silly me, I can go!” and off they go.

The l-don’t-like-to-follow-the-rules dude: This person thinks it’s ok to NOT use their blinker, since it’s their turn I suppose, but this is never a good idea. Another vehicle across from you that stopped a second after you may think you’re going straight ahead, so they can also go straight ahead, and sort of share your turn but instead you take a left. This could cause accidents and unnecessary finger flipping that could have been easily avoided had you used your blinker.

The nice person: This person thinks they’re doing a good deed by waving all the other cars to “go on ahead.” Nobody expects this, so they only get annoyed and either get into a "no you go” “no YOU go” wave-a-thon until finally someone gets irritated enough to just floor it, resulting into a blast of exhaust. Meanwhile, there’s a train of pissed off drivers lining up behind the “nice guy”, all of which are either honking their horns or mouthing the words “Fuck-ing Go!”

That’s it. If you stop first you go first! Don’t make it complicated. Don’t think too hard about it. Stop and go. And if it’s a tie, then the person to the right always has the right of way. Or just floor it and keep things moving :)

Friday Nights: They're not what they used to be...

I remember there was a time when Friday meant either Happy Hour after work or drinking on the patio with my Stevie and hitting a few bars with friends, or going to dinner on a rooftop patio while sipping on wine and snacking on calamari as the sun glistened off the streets of uptown Minneapolis.

Well, that kind of Friday? NO LONGER EXISTS and damn, sometimes I miss it…

Not that I don’t still love Fridays, they’ve just changed a bit since having a child. I love my little Landon dearly, but sometimes this mommy needs a time out too. Tonight in particular made my heart miss the old Fridays a bit. After listening to my 3 year old scream at the top of his lungs because I wouldn’t obey his every command, I felt exhausted by 7 p.m. I finally gave in to his high pitched demand that he “WANTS TO GO TO THE STORE!!” (He loves Target, got that from my genes). I could no longer take the screaming and after trying to explain to him that “mommy has no money and so going there could be very dangerous and we really don’t need anything”, etc., the screams just got louder and louder. He didn’t care. He just wants to ride the cart and get one piece of candy! (stomp stomp)

Ok then. Off we went to Target to ride 20 laps around the store with an empty cart. First he HAD to push and I couldn’t touch the cart. Then he had to crawl underneath and direct me where to turn. Then he rode off the front while waving to everyone and saying “Look at me, I’m so funny!” I laughed and had a great time actually. The Target shopping cart is better than a merry-go-round to him. He sees going to the store as a treat. After realizing how silly it would look to leave with nothing, I decided to let him put some Mike and Ikes in the cart, and of course it didn’t stop there.

The problem with this fun little trip to the store is that I had to pass that damn ice cream freezer over and over. It was like all these flavors were yelling at me from behind the glass door to buy them. “Look at me! I’m on sale!” “Hey, I’m a new flavor!” “Pick me! Pick me!” Ugh….the agony. You know I had to buy some, then of course you have to get the cones and the topping and then you’ll want some chips after that…. Damn Target. I knew it would be dangerous going there with no money. Guilt isn’t so fun.

Five minutes after getting home the screaming returns,” I want juice!” I get it. “No! (Tears coming) I want milk!” I get it. “I want water!” More tears. Toddler is in a meltdown. Mommy is just plain confused. WTF is going on here? Breathe in breathe out breathe in breathe out.

So yes, I miss the days when Friday night was all mine, to do with it as I pleased. To make my own commands and skip off to where my little heart felt like going. I do wish that I could get a glimpse back, or relive a Friday night the way it used to be, just every once in awhile.

However, the yelling is a lot more tolerable with this big ass bowl of Heath ice cream in front of me, so cheers to that I guess.

Humidty and Nudity

It was hot today. Hot and humid. Getting to my car and cranking the air felt like a run for cover, a quest for survival, and ended with a wee little “bitch cuz it’s humid, but stop cuz I should be happy it’s still summer” kind of whimper.

As I was driving home with the A.C. cranked at my body in an attempt to ward away the sauna like conditions of my vehicle and to somehow make my legs not feel like they were dipped in hot tar and my forehead not feel like a wad of hubba bubba that was roasting on the sidewalk, I began to wonder…. “Could I possibly drive home topless and have no one notice?” And “Wow this deodorant really does kick it up in the heat-Mmm…coco nutty!” “Hey, why is that guy on the bench crying? Oh wait, he’s just sweating.” “You know, there really should be a national GET NUDE DAY for humid times like this.”

Got home. Googled it. There is. National Nude Day…who knew? I missed it though. It was on July 14th. Was it even hot on July 14th?

As I looked out my window during my drive home, after my sweat had dried into a nice chilled film across my brow and my shirt stopped sticking to my belly (I know, I know, I should have taken it off. With a chest like this, I could easily pass as a 12year old boy with long hair and a lipstick fetish, but I didn’t want a cop to pull me over on suspicion of underage driving) –anyhow, I couldn’t help but notice all the people around me that were surely roasting more than I. Like the elderly man in denim overalls on the bus bench, a cane in his right hand while his left hand rested on his oxygen tank OR the heavy set lady wearing what appeared to be polyester red pants and a tank top that crept up a tad too high and was wet in all the wrong places…. I suddenly felt very fortunate to be in my car.

So the Nude Day thing didn’t seem like such a good idea anymore after I cooled off. Because really? Looking at the people around me, I could only imagine the driving hazard it would cause!! “Wow, look at that nude guy on the Harley. I wonder if his balls are stuck to the seat. Do they flap in the wind?” “Hey, looks like that lady decided to go topless with a bikini bottom…oh wait….is that…her bush?” “ Wish I had an ass like that….” “Oh cool, the chic is riding the Harley over there and has her man as the passenger…oh…weird…she looks really tall….”

Yup. Nude day would be a total driving hazard for sure! I guess nudity is best kept in the colonies. Because really? I’d rather not see the world flashing their junk around. Besides, it’s not like people would be any less hot if they walked outside nude anyway. They’d just come back in with sweaty crotches and sticky boobs anyways…

Mind Power

You are what you think you are.

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” I love this Buddha quote. It holds so much truth, and the more your mind believes it, the deeper it seems to get. Who we are really is a direct result of our minds perception.

I want to share a cute little story that I’ve always liked. It depicts this theory perfectly.

TINY FROGS

There once was a bunch of tiny frogs ... who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower. A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants...
The race began... No one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You heard statements such as: "Oh, WAY too difficult!!" "They will NEVER make it to the top." The tiny frogs began collapsing. The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!" More tiny frogs got tired and gave up... ...But ONE continued higher and higher and higher... This one wouldn't give up! He was the only one who reached the top! All of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it? A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?
It turned out that the winner was DEAF!!!!
The wisdom of this story:
• Never listen to other people's tendencies to be negative or pessimistic. They take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you -- the ones you have in your heart!
• Always think of the power words have. Everything you hear and read will affect your actions!
• BE POSITIVE! And above all, be DEAF when people tell you that you cannot fulfill your dreams! Always think: I can do this!

What a great little piece of solid advice right there. Just imagine the things we’d be capable of if we never heard the deterring negativity of other people’s thoughts chirping in our ears? If other people’s opinions had no effect on our determination, we would accomplish so much more. It really is that easy. In reality, your mind is the only one you’ll ever need to change. I think it’s important to remind ourselves of that.

Now I need to go heed my own advice...

If I had a punching bag.....

Sometimes a girl just needs to put on a pair of boxing gloves and give it all she’s got.

I don’t have a punching bag.

But if I did…

Here are a few things I’d want on it:

1.) A photo of a rear end where the waist is belted down at the knees. I’d like to punch those pockets right up to the top where they’re supposed to be.
2.) A picture of Heidi Montag. I’d like to bang that nose back into proper shape. Spencer Pratt on the other side of the bag, and I’d have a ring around punch-a-thon til I was dizzy.
3.) A big ass piece of chocolate cake, just cuz, it’s a love/ hate relationship thing.
4.) Mel Gibson. Cuz right now? He’s NOT “what women want.”
5.) The words “It’s not all about you.” Well, it is now biiiiitch. *PUNCH*
6.) The face of that certain ex from Kato that forgot to mention “his ex” was my neighbor and his nightly “Round #1” before he’d come to my apartment. F*%k YOU x 500 punches.
7.) That bottle of Rumple Minz that made me do some very unspeakable things….
8.) Scott Disick. For those who don’t know, this is Kourtney Kardashian’s boyfriend and easily the biggest A-hole on reality TV. He deserves to get his ass kicked.
9.) Lindsay Lohan. Oh honey, I’d just really like to knock some sense into you. Honestly.
10.) The phrase “My Bad” scrawled across the punching bag would surely get that sack ripped to shreds. It’s overused and I’m over it. Punch, punch, punch, now who’s bad is it bitch?? RAWR.

What would you put on your punching bag?

Wow….People actually buy this stuff?!

1.) Instant face Lift: A face lift in a box…wow! This consists of little pieces of tape held together by an elastic band which you stick discretely behind your ears or in your hairline to “pull” the face up. No more sagging jaw line ladies! You could probably stick some duct tape on the ends of a long rubber band and try that as well. I giggle just thinking of a lady elegantly drinking a cup of tea at a charity event, with her evening gown glistening, and “face lift” bands attached to her head, when oops!, one of them detaches, and ½ of her face falls back down while everyone gasps because she looks like she’s having a stroke. Hilarious image.

2.) Boob Job in a Box: OMG how desperate must one be to actually think this could happen. No surgery. No recovery. You simply apply 2 special treatments of plumping catalyst, toning emulsion, and follow a specialized bust lifting regimen, and bigger boobs will be yours for the bargain price of $135! Sounds too good to be true? Probably because it is. Ridiculous.

3.) The Face Trainer by No! No! : Never heard of this? You must Google it. I can’t believe this exists! It’s a mask designed to provide resistance training for the face and create a wrinkle free look and toned facial muscles. You will look years younger! The mask slides over your face and gets secured by Velcro. It even comes with a DVD! I wouldn’t try this in public as it looks like someone trying to simulate the movements of an imaginary blow job while wearing a hockey mask. A family member may have you committed if they walked in on you doing your wrinkle erasing facial exercises with The Face Trainer.

4.) iPosture: Are you a sloucher? Not if you purchase this! This is a quarter shaped, battery operated device that you stick onto your chest. It vibrates to let you know when you’re in the “proper posture position.” If you slouch out of the upright position, it sets off an alarm letting you know you have gotten out of the proper alignment. Ha! Can you imagine the funny predicaments this could land you in? “Wow, Janie, how did you get a quarter stuck to your chest, or is that a third nipple?” “Sorry Johnny, no blow job tonight, I don’t want to set off the alarm by arching downward.” “Hey Nancy? Could you pick up my pen? I dropped it on the floor and don’t want to set off my posture alarm. Thanks.” Heehee…silly products.

5.) Malibu Betty (for the hair down there): yes, this is a pubic hair dye. Electric blue. Hey, punk rockers might want the drapes and rug to match too you know? Also comes in Hot Pink. All I know is the day I make my twat hot pink is the day, well, the day I make my twat hot pink. Nuff said.

6.) Jolie Lips Lip Plumper: You have GOT to be kidding me here. This promises to give you Angelina Jolie style lips. How? By simply applying a special lip balm and then putting this suction type ball over your lips, creating a vacuum, and well, start pumping. You pump this suction in and out until you get the lips of Jolie size. OMG. Just put some Vaseline on them and take off the attachment on your Hoover, I’m sure the suction will work much quicker that way. Of course, you may get ‘ring around the lip line” but I’m sure there’ll be a product coming out to fix that too… Good Lord.

7.) Nose Secret: Want a nose job without surgery? Well, of course there’s a product for it! Who knew that 2 inch sized little plastic pieces could cost only $35 and give you a nose job that looks like you paid thousands! You simply insert these little bendable splints up your nostril and form them until you have the perfect nose. Five seconds, and voila! If you want a good laugh, go to their website and view the before and after pictures, I mean, there is just no way that the photos are not altered. Hilarious.

8.) Feel Real Silicone Butt Pads: For all you flat assed chics out there, get the butt you’ve always dreamed of by simply sticking these silicone pads on your dairy air to give you curve and sex appeal. Ha ha ha. I’m sure you’ll be feeling like a million bucks, getting’ down in the club with your spandex dress and swaying that curvaceous ass all over the room as the men ogle you and drool over that sweet behind of yours. But after a few too many tequila shots, and a trip back to their crib, they may not be too happy to realize they’ve gotten hard over a couple of stick on butt pads. Just make sure the guy is reeeeaaaaallllly drunk if you want to pull this off before you do the walk of shame. Fake can’t last in the long haul ladies. This leads me into my next product…

9.) Feel Foxy padded underwear!: These panties are so padded, that God himself could not create a more roundly cushioned ass. You would have to buy special jeans to fit in the padding of this underwear. The butt is huge! Oh, and you can’t wash them, cuz they may deform, thus getting lumpy, and soon that nicely padded panty will make your junk in the trunk look like a cellulite and cottage cheese filled sack. Icky poo all around on this one.

10.) Melanotan II: Also known as “The Barbie Pill”. You simply shoot daily doses of this chemical up your nose and you will wake up tan and glowing. Not working quickly enough? You can shoot it up your arm with an insulin syringe instead! But you should consider getting your head examined first, as you may have officially “lost it.” Oh, and when you wake up looking like a pumpkin, you may be in trouble as there is yet to be a Fairy Godmother pill to reverse your error. …