Ok, so it happened again tonight. A stranger came knocking at my door and I didn’t open it. I’m all cuddled up on the couch with the kiddo and the dog and “DING-DONG!” The dog jumps up towards the door, going crazy and the kid is yelling “who’s here mommy?” Of course all of the lights are on, TV is blaring, and yes, we are obviously HOME, but am I going to answer that door? HELL NO. He rings it again even, and I know he can see me sitting on the couch, but I just keep on watching TV and trying to shush the dog, cuz the hell if I’m moving...
Here are a few reasons why:
First of all, I’m in my pj’s, no bra, and um…there’s a cold draft when I open the door.
Second, unless I’m expecting someone or need to sign for my new box of shoes, then I have no reason to speak with you.
Third, I give $$ to charity without being asked, I can try to save the trees without signing your petition, and I have found my faith years ago and don’t need to justify my beliefs to a complete stranger.
Fourth, I’m scared. Ok, I don’t live in the ghetto and I know self defense, but still, the world is full of crazies and I don’t have time for you to slip your I.D. under my door so I can quick Google you and check your background before I open the door. Hello? America’s Funniest Home videos are on here…
Fifth, can a girl get some damn privacy? I hate it when my space and time are unexpectedly interrupted. It rubs me the wrong way. I have built a house with a roof, put blinds on my windows, and locks on my doors to retain a sense of calm and peace. You completely disrupt my aura with that damn DING-DONG!
Sixth, we live in a technical world people! Anything I need to know, understand, discover, or ask is just a key stroke away. If I want to find Jesus I can Google how to do so. I can read about politics online and buy cookies there as well. There is nothing that a stranger dinging my bell can offer me that I couldn’t already find myself if I wanted to. So. STEP. OFF. MY. PORCH.
Soooo unless it is Halloween or you are delivering the boxes from my online shopping binge, keep your hands off my bell. Thank-you.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Don't they have a pill for that?
It seems like every time I turn around there’s a new “pill” to fix something, prevent something, or promise to somehow make your life better. We have pills that claim to make our hair thicken, our penises grow, and our eyelashes lengthen. Pills to rid us of depression, give us energy, and increase our sex drive. Pills, pills, pills, well, here are a few things I WISH there was a pill for….
I wish there was pill called “feet heat.” For all the times when my toes are ice cold, which is basically every single day, I could simply pop a pill and within minutes my feet would get toasty warm. “Oh what’s that honey? You want the AC on even though it’s 68 degrees outside? No problem, I’ll just pop a couple “feet heat” and I’ll be fine.”
I wish there was a pill called Insta-Sleep. This would make up for those nights where you didn’t get any, sleep that is. So instead of dragging ass and overdosing on caffeine, you just pop one of these pills and it sort of makes your brain turn into a ball of energetic sunshine, as if you woke up from a long 8 hour slumber. Wouldn’t that be nice? I’d stay up so much later…
I wish there was a pill that could give people common sense. This would be for the ones who just “don’t get it” and usually look a little dazed and confused when everyone else is nodding along in understanding. Pop the pill called “Drop of Sense” and voila’, you too can have the knack of common knowledge!
I wish there was a pill to make people get to the point. Faster. I often find myself on the phone with a client that’s sloooooowly speaking, not really getting anywhere, and I often find myself waving my hands in circular motions, wishing to pry the point off their tongue. This would be a pill for those people. Perhaps it could be called “sPILL it out already!”
I reeeeaaalllly wish there was a pill to make you sober. The music is pumping, your heart is pounding, your mind is intoxicated and the adrenaline is making you feel like a warm dose of fantabulous fun…but then the inevitable moment always comes when it’s bar close and you have to somehow get from point “A” to point ”B” and it’s the fight for the cab time. UNLESS of course, you pop a pill called “Sober Roller” and poof, you got your poker face on and the alcohol evaporates like fairy dust and your brain cells perk up and the buzz slowly slips away. You get in your car and drive home without a trace of ever drinking. Love this idea. To pieces actually.
This leads to, of course, a pill that takes away the hangover. You wake up with your face smashed into a pillow, a stream of drool sliding down your cheek (if you’re lucky, it’s only drool), red eyes that feel like bowling balls of fire, a throat that’s raw and a mind that’s only half alive. Keep a bottle of “Hang-up the Hangover” on your bedside table and you only have to roll over, pop a pill and release the wish for death and hug your healthy mind. Magic is just a pill away. Of course, this would be a pill that would dissolve on your tongue for those real emergencies where there is no water available and nobody to assist you.
Wow, I could go on and on with this pill thing. A pill to make people smarter and a pill to make people turn from assholes to gentlemen, a pill to erase our wrinkles and make us young again! Come on you geniuses out there; give me a pill to make me grow taller!! Or how about change your eye color? That would be fun! OK, I could just run with this…oh and a pill to make me run faster….OK I’ll quit now before I type all night on this one :)
I wish there was pill called “feet heat.” For all the times when my toes are ice cold, which is basically every single day, I could simply pop a pill and within minutes my feet would get toasty warm. “Oh what’s that honey? You want the AC on even though it’s 68 degrees outside? No problem, I’ll just pop a couple “feet heat” and I’ll be fine.”
I wish there was a pill called Insta-Sleep. This would make up for those nights where you didn’t get any, sleep that is. So instead of dragging ass and overdosing on caffeine, you just pop one of these pills and it sort of makes your brain turn into a ball of energetic sunshine, as if you woke up from a long 8 hour slumber. Wouldn’t that be nice? I’d stay up so much later…
I wish there was a pill that could give people common sense. This would be for the ones who just “don’t get it” and usually look a little dazed and confused when everyone else is nodding along in understanding. Pop the pill called “Drop of Sense” and voila’, you too can have the knack of common knowledge!
I wish there was a pill to make people get to the point. Faster. I often find myself on the phone with a client that’s sloooooowly speaking, not really getting anywhere, and I often find myself waving my hands in circular motions, wishing to pry the point off their tongue. This would be a pill for those people. Perhaps it could be called “sPILL it out already!”
I reeeeaaalllly wish there was a pill to make you sober. The music is pumping, your heart is pounding, your mind is intoxicated and the adrenaline is making you feel like a warm dose of fantabulous fun…but then the inevitable moment always comes when it’s bar close and you have to somehow get from point “A” to point ”B” and it’s the fight for the cab time. UNLESS of course, you pop a pill called “Sober Roller” and poof, you got your poker face on and the alcohol evaporates like fairy dust and your brain cells perk up and the buzz slowly slips away. You get in your car and drive home without a trace of ever drinking. Love this idea. To pieces actually.
This leads to, of course, a pill that takes away the hangover. You wake up with your face smashed into a pillow, a stream of drool sliding down your cheek (if you’re lucky, it’s only drool), red eyes that feel like bowling balls of fire, a throat that’s raw and a mind that’s only half alive. Keep a bottle of “Hang-up the Hangover” on your bedside table and you only have to roll over, pop a pill and release the wish for death and hug your healthy mind. Magic is just a pill away. Of course, this would be a pill that would dissolve on your tongue for those real emergencies where there is no water available and nobody to assist you.
Wow, I could go on and on with this pill thing. A pill to make people smarter and a pill to make people turn from assholes to gentlemen, a pill to erase our wrinkles and make us young again! Come on you geniuses out there; give me a pill to make me grow taller!! Or how about change your eye color? That would be fun! OK, I could just run with this…oh and a pill to make me run faster….OK I’ll quit now before I type all night on this one :)
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