1.) Instant face Lift: A face lift in a box…wow! This consists of little pieces of tape held together by an elastic band which you stick discretely behind your ears or in your hairline to “pull” the face up. No more sagging jaw line ladies! You could probably stick some duct tape on the ends of a long rubber band and try that as well. I giggle just thinking of a lady elegantly drinking a cup of tea at a charity event, with her evening gown glistening, and “face lift” bands attached to her head, when oops!, one of them detaches, and ½ of her face falls back down while everyone gasps because she looks like she’s having a stroke. Hilarious image.
2.) Boob Job in a Box: OMG how desperate must one be to actually think this could happen. No surgery. No recovery. You simply apply 2 special treatments of plumping catalyst, toning emulsion, and follow a specialized bust lifting regimen, and bigger boobs will be yours for the bargain price of $135! Sounds too good to be true? Probably because it is. Ridiculous.
3.) The Face Trainer by No! No! : Never heard of this? You must Google it. I can’t believe this exists! It’s a mask designed to provide resistance training for the face and create a wrinkle free look and toned facial muscles. You will look years younger! The mask slides over your face and gets secured by Velcro. It even comes with a DVD! I wouldn’t try this in public as it looks like someone trying to simulate the movements of an imaginary blow job while wearing a hockey mask. A family member may have you committed if they walked in on you doing your wrinkle erasing facial exercises with The Face Trainer.
4.) iPosture: Are you a sloucher? Not if you purchase this! This is a quarter shaped, battery operated device that you stick onto your chest. It vibrates to let you know when you’re in the “proper posture position.” If you slouch out of the upright position, it sets off an alarm letting you know you have gotten out of the proper alignment. Ha! Can you imagine the funny predicaments this could land you in? “Wow, Janie, how did you get a quarter stuck to your chest, or is that a third nipple?” “Sorry Johnny, no blow job tonight, I don’t want to set off the alarm by arching downward.” “Hey Nancy? Could you pick up my pen? I dropped it on the floor and don’t want to set off my posture alarm. Thanks.” Heehee…silly products.
5.) Malibu Betty (for the hair down there): yes, this is a pubic hair dye. Electric blue. Hey, punk rockers might want the drapes and rug to match too you know? Also comes in Hot Pink. All I know is the day I make my twat hot pink is the day, well, the day I make my twat hot pink. Nuff said.
6.) Jolie Lips Lip Plumper: You have GOT to be kidding me here. This promises to give you Angelina Jolie style lips. How? By simply applying a special lip balm and then putting this suction type ball over your lips, creating a vacuum, and well, start pumping. You pump this suction in and out until you get the lips of Jolie size. OMG. Just put some Vaseline on them and take off the attachment on your Hoover, I’m sure the suction will work much quicker that way. Of course, you may get ‘ring around the lip line” but I’m sure there’ll be a product coming out to fix that too… Good Lord.
7.) Nose Secret: Want a nose job without surgery? Well, of course there’s a product for it! Who knew that 2 inch sized little plastic pieces could cost only $35 and give you a nose job that looks like you paid thousands! You simply insert these little bendable splints up your nostril and form them until you have the perfect nose. Five seconds, and voila! If you want a good laugh, go to their website and view the before and after pictures, I mean, there is just no way that the photos are not altered. Hilarious.
8.) Feel Real Silicone Butt Pads: For all you flat assed chics out there, get the butt you’ve always dreamed of by simply sticking these silicone pads on your dairy air to give you curve and sex appeal. Ha ha ha. I’m sure you’ll be feeling like a million bucks, getting’ down in the club with your spandex dress and swaying that curvaceous ass all over the room as the men ogle you and drool over that sweet behind of yours. But after a few too many tequila shots, and a trip back to their crib, they may not be too happy to realize they’ve gotten hard over a couple of stick on butt pads. Just make sure the guy is reeeeaaaaallllly drunk if you want to pull this off before you do the walk of shame. Fake can’t last in the long haul ladies. This leads me into my next product…
9.) Feel Foxy padded underwear!: These panties are so padded, that God himself could not create a more roundly cushioned ass. You would have to buy special jeans to fit in the padding of this underwear. The butt is huge! Oh, and you can’t wash them, cuz they may deform, thus getting lumpy, and soon that nicely padded panty will make your junk in the trunk look like a cellulite and cottage cheese filled sack. Icky poo all around on this one.
10.) Melanotan II: Also known as “The Barbie Pill”. You simply shoot daily doses of this chemical up your nose and you will wake up tan and glowing. Not working quickly enough? You can shoot it up your arm with an insulin syringe instead! But you should consider getting your head examined first, as you may have officially “lost it.” Oh, and when you wake up looking like a pumpkin, you may be in trouble as there is yet to be a Fairy Godmother pill to reverse your error. …
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