SNOW DRIVING: Here we blow again

Tips for surviving the inevitable snow while operating a motor vehicle:

1.) Convince yourself that STOP signs automatically convert into YIELD signs if it’s slippery.

2.) STAY BACK and WATCH YOUR BACK. While driving always remain at least 20 feet behind the car ahead of you. You don’t know them. They could be the OMG-I-Need-to-slam-on-my-breaks-because-the-light-2-miles-ahead-looks-red type of person and you don’t want to rear end the moron. Also, check your rear view mirror constantly. If someone is sliding behind you, you can drive defensively and speed up or swerve to avoid being hit.

3.) No need to pick a lane if you can’t see the lines. Just follow the damn tracks.

4.) OR if there is an obvious “2 lane” road and 2 lines have formed stick to the side that has the easiest ditch to be towed out of should you happen to veer off while playing air drums or reapplying the lip-gloss.

5.) Express road rage as you will but just keep two hands on the wheel, unless of course someone is worthy of a quick flip of the middle finger (aka that A-hole that flies by you going 70 in a 55 while you’re barely pushing 40 and blows snow all up in your grill) It’s a foggy haze of flippin’ snow so they can’t see your obscene gesture anyways. Or just stick your tongue out and yell the F bomb, it’s safer.

6.) Get your tank full. DO NOT however assume it is wise to slide your card and “pay at the pump” if the slot is filled with snow. I know this because mine got stuck in there and poor little Visa was frozen and battered from the 10 minutes I spent trying to retrieve it. Icy wet card + snow caked gloves = a cold mess.

7.) Wiper fluid? Make sure it’s full. Wiper blades? Make sure they work. Headlights? Turn them on. Ice scraper? Have no less than 3 in the car at all times! Keep extra gloves in the glove box, a shovel in the back and a nice stash of old shingles. Use common sense and delete all fear!

8.) Do not be the annoying driver that goes 3 mph and grips the steering wheel like your holding onto a ring of gold during a tornado and is too damn scared to even turn the radio station. Put on your big girl panties or wear a freakin’ diaper I don’t care just RELAX and drive like you’re sane.

9.) Take deep breathes and practice patience while being stuck in traffic. There is nothing that can speed up the people in front of you even if you honk, yell, flash lights, flash boobs, etc (tried them all, they failed). So just sit back and listen to Mozart or do some tongue exercises, make funny faces in the mirror or pick the lint out of your air vents. It is what it is.

10.) Remind yourself that IT’S ONLY SNOW! It’s only snow. White and cold and slippery when wet. It doesn’t shoot bullets. It just falls and sits. It’s what makes children giggle and brings snow angels to life. It makes Winter a wonderland and Christmas time bright so put on some cozy leg warmers and a big ol pair of boots and appreciate it while it’s here.

Dezember

Everybody I know in life pronounces December like it is spelled. De-cem-ber. Everyone that is except my Mom. For as long as I can remember she always replaced the “c” with a “z” and I never quite understood why. She would say it like Dezember, or more like Deh-zem-ber. I’m not sure if people never had the heart to correct her or if they just pretended that she was saying it right. I considered mentioning it on multiple occasions but I guess I preferred the little giggle I got in my heart every time she mispronounced it so I chose that moment of inner humor over correcting her grammar. I figured there would come a day where she would eventually pronounce the word like the rest of the world and I would congratulate her with a big proud smile and say “wow Mom you finally figured out how to say December!” She seemed so happy when she said it the way she did and I always wondered if she thought she was the only person on the planet saying it correctly! I will never know and I can honestly say that I am glad she left this earth without ever being corrected.

I imagine her watching me write this blog from above with that closed mouth smile and shaking her head with her eyes closed, thinking “Oh Melanie...” I wonder if she still says it incorrectly in heaven. Good Lord I would hope someone would have corrected her up there at least!

I miss her more than ever. I now understand what all those other people felt who have lost loved ones and are floating through the holidays with little holes in there hearts like mine. No phone calls asking about what my son Landon needs for Christmas. No talk of celebrating. I will never again taste all her holiday baked goods. I even miss those green wreath cookies that I always had to pick the red hots off of because the were just awful with those damn things on them. I will never see the joy in her eyes when setting up the house for Christmas with all her decorations and lights. Her Santa Claus collections are probably stuffed in a bin somewhere in the basement begging to come alive. I want to bring them to my house and give them life and see them sing and dance and think of my Mom. She would love that.

I will not let the fact that she is gone destroy my joy for the holidays. I will not become a grinch and mope around saying I hate the holidays as some people do. I love them. I love the memories of childhood and Santa Claus and the smell of a burning fireplace and the sweet taste of cocoa on my lips. The lit up tree and colorful presents with bows and tinsel. I will admit, there was a point where I wanted this all to go away, the Thanksgiving, Christmas, holiday stuff. I imagined banging on a forward button with the intensity of swooping a large axe down through the stump of a tree and just getting this whole season over with. I have decided to change my mind. I am going to move through this with graciousness and let my wounds breathe as they see fit.

If I want to cry I will cry and if I want to buy I will buy. Yes, I have problem with trying to somehow buy away my feelings sometimes but whatever. Tis the season to overspend anyways right? I’ll take my joy where I can get it! Through the happiness and the pain I will be thankful for all that I have in this life and I will enjoy this holiday month for all it’s worth. I will survive December or Dezember (that’s for you Mom). I just giggled inside.