I’ll make this a quick one: After spending 2 days at The Water Park with my 7 yr. old son going down the waterslide 100+ times in 8 hours, I had some time to “observe” the ways of the water park and have concocted some mental rules that I feel should be listed on this empty sign....Ok here goes. *Note: the red print is my side thoughts related to said RULES.
1.) Please don’t run, but if you may and you crack your head open on the cement, we are not liable.
I say this because even though I have heard every life guard say repeatedly over and over and over “No running!” to every single kid that jutted past them, so many times in fact that they would often utter it in a half slur with an exhausted I-gotta-say-it-but-whateVer type of tone. It goes without saying that the typical NO RUNNING rule is practically impossible! It’s like asking a kid to try and NOT keep their eyes open on Christmas Eve. EVERY kid runs. They are excited and wired and couldn’t care less.
2.) Just because we’re dressed in a red life guard uniform don’t expect us to save your kid from drowning.
Between seeing these supposed life guards daze off into the sunny sky, check their phone, and flirt with the blonde teeny boppers in little coral bikinis, their main objective is not so much watching your children as is flexing their abs and workin’ their tan.
I also witnessed one 4 yr. old little girl almost drown while the lifeguard did NOTHING and the child’s Mom had to go running in full attire, with shoes/socks on and jump in to save her child. I scolded the lifeguard because I would NOT bite my tongue on that one.
3.) Our water is full of urine, know that before diving in.
This is a given. Piss in the pool? It happens. I know this for fact. My chair was in walking path of the restrooms and within a 4 hour span I did not see ONE child step out of the pool to go use the restroom, although they sucked down multiple blue icees and bottles of soda. I can say for certain that out of any public establishment, swimming pools probably have to change their toilet paper rolls the least. I'd guess less than one toilet paper roll per potty on a monthly basis.
4.) Kids will budge in line, get over it. We’re too busy checking our phones to care.
Um, so yeah. Kids were budging in front of the kid and I at the water slide off and on throughout the day and at one point I had to “speak their language” and budge right back and say “hey Mr. my-trunks-are-too-small-that-my-ass-hangs out, get your budgey ass in the back of the line!” OK, so I didn’t say it like that, instead I just casually grabbed him by the arm and gently placed him back where he belonged, kindly reminding him that there is a LINE... (hello life guards isn’t that YOUR job?)
5.) We must take breaks every hour to “check” the water, but what we really want is for you to buy our over-priced hot dogs, pretzels, and ice cream sandwiches because the kids love that shit.
This is so obvious it’s ridiculous. Um, no outside food or drink is allowed and of course kids smell the grilled goodies and when they see any iced drink in the colors of blue or purple they flock to that crap like an addict looking for their next fix. It works though as I found myself paying $2 for a bag of chips containing 4 (5 if you count the crumbs) doritos per bag. And drumsticks. Fritos. Ice pops. I’m a sucker!
OK so there’s my pool rules. But the funniest thing I observed yesterday had to be the Zak Effron (or Brandon Walsh depending on your era) wanna-be who was tanned up like a Ken doll, hair in the perfect coif with a side of 6-pack abs wearing that confused look on his face by arching up his perfectly textured brows every time he looked someone in the eye because he thinks it makes him look sexy. Anyhow, so he was upset because another life-guard tried to splash him and was all like “dude, don’t try and f*#k with my ‘do.” Lifeguards worried about ruining their hair? Um, kinda like a farmer wanting to keep his hands clean. It goes with the job "dude".
Amidst all the humor and ridiculousness that occurs at water parks with blank rule boards, too tiny swimsuits, and aloof life guards I can honestly say that whipping down water slides and rope climbing on floating rocks with my kiddo has been one of the most memorable times I have had this summer. Even though I got chlorine shot up my nose, nearly lost my bikini top, and banged my ear on the side of the handrail, I couldn’t stop smiling. Being with the kid brings the kid out in and there’s no greater feeling than being carefree.
*Oh, and by the way Landon and I used the restroom 3 times each day we were there. He will never pee in a pool because I told him that when the lifeguards "check the water" during the 15 minute break they are checking for pee and they can test it to see who it came from. If they found out the pee is yours, they announce it over a big speaker and you get kicked out of the water park. I may act like a 7 yr. old on the water slide, but I'm still a genius at my parental psychology :)
