Everything we need to know in life we learned in driving school. Really. I googled the Top Ten Pieces of Driving advice from automedia.com, and twisted their advice to put it into the perspective of life in general. It makes sense and I think you’ll agree!
Rule #1 Don't Back Up
Don’t try to undo your past or dwell in the “might have beens” in life. You can’t reverse time and you can’t back up and redo much of anything. Keep your eyes forward and your mind focused on the now. Today is all you really have, so leave the past in the past...
Rule #2 Work Smarter, Adjust mirrors, and clear your blind spots
Some people go through life in a robotic fashion without putting much thought into their every day actions. They go through it blindly. Some say that the people we surround ourselves with are actually mirrors of ourselves. Well? Do you like what you see? Who you are? If not, perhaps you need to adjust the people that you allow into your life. Many times we don’t want to see people for who or what they are and how they are affecting our life, But remember, people see things better on the outside, so listen to the advice of those who love you and open your eyes to reality..
Rule #3 Go Right
Hmmm… as in if you have the choice of doing right or wrong, choose right? Well, I’m a fan of bad decisions, but as long as you can veer back to the “right” track and learn a few lessons along the way, I’d say you’re doing alright :)
Rule #4 Learn Your Car
Understand the vehicle you drive. We were all given a body that we maneuver out and about on a daily basis. The skeleton and organs make up our car. The brain is the engine and food is our gasoline. Eat healthy and exercise regularly. Chocolate fuels my body on a daily basis and makes me happy, so don’t deny your vehicle of joy people…but stay away from high fructose corn syrup, that shit will just clog up your engine.
Rule #5 See and Be Seen
Hello people!? You can’t stay cooped up in your house all day watching TV and being couch potato. Enjoy life! Get out and be seen. Get noticed. Get off your ass and become useful. Let yourself shine. Remember: there are no strangers, only people waiting to be spoken to.
Rule #6 Figure Out The Clues
If you feel stuck in a rut, retrace your steps and figure out where you went wrong. Be aware of how you got to where you are. If you pay attention to yourself everyday and express your thoughts, you will become more aware of a potential rock bottom before you’ve hit it.
Rule #7 Prep Your Ride
A-hem, I find this tip to be very humorous, but it is indeed a driving tip (refers to worn out tires, breaks etc.) To my little perverse mind though, I’m thinking personal hygiene. Keep it clean kids. Nobody likes dirty junk. Oil keeps more things running than a car you know. Stay clean and please shower daily. Nobody wants to ride on a dirty road that’s full of bumps. Ewe…
Rule #8 Stay Sober and Hang—Up
Don’t drive drunk of course, that’s a given, but an occasional intoxication is definitely in the rule book if you feel so inclined to tip the bottle on solid ground. However, many bad decisions tend to happen when alcohol is involved, so know your limits. And that cell phone? HANG IT UP for a change. Do not whip it out during dinner, while in a group setting, or while using the potty in a public place (ewe!) And most of all, do NOT tie up a dressing room because you’re suddenly in a deep giddy conversation that goes a little something like “OMG, I’m like totally going out with him tonight and he’s all like saying how cute I am and I’m like reeeaaaallly?” cuz honestly? No one in line gives a shit and I just wanna try on my jeans thankyouverymuch.
Rule #9 Anticipate Possible Dilemmas
Know what to expect before it happens. Prepare mentally for possible road blocks in life. The company going downhill? Job hunt. The man staying out a little too late? Know that you may be in the process of replacement. Stories don’t match up? You are being lied to. Yes you are and stop denying it. If you stay aware of the changes that may occur and know that some things are inevitable, you won’t be so surprised when your life veers into some rough territory. Knowing ahead of time will prevent you from running out of gas and breaking down, instead you will able to refuel and keep on trucking, even if HE ran away with the newer model.
Rule #10 Pay Attention
PAY ATTENTION! You’ve heard it all your life and it will always be one of the best pieces of advice a person can offer you. Stay focused, listen with both ears, and be aware of who you are. Work on yourself inside and out. Understand that just because someone has a shiny exterior and a “big engine”, it doesn’t mean their wires aren’t a little crossed on the inside. If they rev your engine, they can also make your heart go flat, but always, always enjoy the ride. Vroom vroom.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The value of Lust
Love hurts… but lust feels pretty good.
Some things just balance each other out… Sunshine after the rain, a tan after the burn, and calm after the storm, and well, lust after love went sour.
Oh beautiful love makes your heart dance and your face glow. Everything is rainbow and lollipops when you’re in love. The sky seems bluer, the grass seems greener, and your heart pumps louder.
But when the high comes down and the relationship crashes, it feels like the love bug that once bite you now took a 6 oz. chunk out of your heart with jaws the size of butcher knives. Your floating heart has now been buried. That glowing flame is but a pile of ashes. That happy heartbeat now feels like its being rung out like an old dish rag and it just hurts to breathe.
Love actually feels wonderful; it’s the end of love that hurts so badly. Well, my friends, that’s when you gotta put your weak old little heart on the magic carpet of lust and just ride it out ‘til the pain melts away…
Love and lust are two different things. Love is the blood that pumps your heart and makes you want to be a better person. Lust is the fire that pumps your loins and makes you want to be a better lover. Don’t confuse them. Love can be a beautiful thing, but the pain you feel once it’s gone could leave little scars on your heart for a lifetime, that’s why we have lust. It attempts to erase them. It stitches the holes up. Lust can get us through the tough shit. Lust doesn’t judge you. You don’t have to let your heart in the way when it comes to lust. Don’t confuse your emotions, let them rest. Put all your pain on the back burner and enjoy the flames of lust for awhile.
If you understand the concept of enjoying the heat of another body, a little rendezvous without attachments, and a conversation that is spoken with the eyes, understood with the hands, and doesn’t need to be all mangled up with serious conversation, that is lust. You don’t have to think or speak; you just “get it.”
I always say the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Why? Because it feels good. When your heart is broke and you’re down on the dumps, lust will pull you back up from that sorry ass place and make you feel alive again. If love closes the door on your heart, then pull out some lust from underneath your sheets and let that knock you around for a bit. Get you back on your feet. Get the blood pumpin.’
So to all the broken hearted souls out there: “Get off your ass and go get laid.”
*Don’t forget to “glove the love” though; cuz lust may hurt like love if you don't. And well, we don't need to be feeling flames in more places than neccessary....
Some things just balance each other out… Sunshine after the rain, a tan after the burn, and calm after the storm, and well, lust after love went sour.
Oh beautiful love makes your heart dance and your face glow. Everything is rainbow and lollipops when you’re in love. The sky seems bluer, the grass seems greener, and your heart pumps louder.
But when the high comes down and the relationship crashes, it feels like the love bug that once bite you now took a 6 oz. chunk out of your heart with jaws the size of butcher knives. Your floating heart has now been buried. That glowing flame is but a pile of ashes. That happy heartbeat now feels like its being rung out like an old dish rag and it just hurts to breathe.
Love actually feels wonderful; it’s the end of love that hurts so badly. Well, my friends, that’s when you gotta put your weak old little heart on the magic carpet of lust and just ride it out ‘til the pain melts away…
Love and lust are two different things. Love is the blood that pumps your heart and makes you want to be a better person. Lust is the fire that pumps your loins and makes you want to be a better lover. Don’t confuse them. Love can be a beautiful thing, but the pain you feel once it’s gone could leave little scars on your heart for a lifetime, that’s why we have lust. It attempts to erase them. It stitches the holes up. Lust can get us through the tough shit. Lust doesn’t judge you. You don’t have to let your heart in the way when it comes to lust. Don’t confuse your emotions, let them rest. Put all your pain on the back burner and enjoy the flames of lust for awhile.
If you understand the concept of enjoying the heat of another body, a little rendezvous without attachments, and a conversation that is spoken with the eyes, understood with the hands, and doesn’t need to be all mangled up with serious conversation, that is lust. You don’t have to think or speak; you just “get it.”
I always say the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Why? Because it feels good. When your heart is broke and you’re down on the dumps, lust will pull you back up from that sorry ass place and make you feel alive again. If love closes the door on your heart, then pull out some lust from underneath your sheets and let that knock you around for a bit. Get you back on your feet. Get the blood pumpin.’
So to all the broken hearted souls out there: “Get off your ass and go get laid.”
*Don’t forget to “glove the love” though; cuz lust may hurt like love if you don't. And well, we don't need to be feeling flames in more places than neccessary....
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Shoe Love
Some people collect stamps. I collect shoes. I call them “My Stomp Collection.”
There is something magical and exciting about shoes. I’m not talking sneakers here, or slippers, or loafers. I’m talking about the elegant arch of a woman’s high heeled shoe. It’s all in the heel, the height, and the design. In my mind, the taller and more colorful the shoe, the better. When I browse the shoe department my heart does a little dance of excitement. My belly feels like it’s filled with helium. It’s pure joy to me. The way my tongue salivates when I look through the glass case at a bakery is a close comparison to how my mind feels when looking at shoes.
I have a distinct taste with shoes. My ankles are tiny so I prefer a heel with a strap. Pumps fall right off my feet. I also like a peep toe because my toes are a little too long for my liking. The soles of my feet are naturally curved, like a banana. My feet are very unhappy when they’re flat and I rarely ever go bare-footed because it makes me feel off balance if I’m not in a tippy toe position. My “flats” still have at least a 1 ½ inch heel on them. I own one pair of flip-flops and I despise them. That thong doesn’t fit between my toes and the flatness of a flip flop gives me foot cramps.
My shoes are like my children. I have a HUGE shoe family. They sleep in their boxes and some of them have suede bags or silk bags to lie in. Many of them have never been worn, or only worn once. I have this thing (OCD one may call it) with certain pairs of shoes. For instance, if I wore a pair out one night for a special occasion, or something really exciting happened while they were on my feet, then they have this little memory tied to them. If it was a really special moment, I may never wear them again for fear of taking away their unique memory. Or I fear that if something bad happens while I wear these shoes, then I will have ruined them and crushed the happy state they were in the last time I slipped them off. I know that sounds really messed up! Because of this, I give my shoes certain categories:
1.) The Casuals: This group of shoes gets worn to work, the grocery store, the park, etc. I love them. They’re comfortable and cute, reliable and responsible. These shoes are either some shade of black or brown and usually lay in a line by the front door in the foyer closet in shoe boxes. Their heel size ranges from 1 ½ to 3 inches.
2.) The Boots: Only worn in Fall/Winter, this category is one of things that makes the cold months bearable to me. At least I have a sexy boot to put my feet in. I have the skinny ones to go under pants and the tall bulky ones to go over. Usually in black, brown, grey, tan, with or without zippers or buckles. Yes, they all have heels and give me the great height that I crave so deeply. I love boots and they love me because my feet are always cold!
3.) The Tall Ladies: These shoes are known for their height and have at least a 4” heel. These feel very natural to me as I am a 5’10 girl trapped in a 5’7 frame. The taller a shoe can make me, the better I feel. A heel with this kind of height can only go with skirts (which I rarely wear) or a long pair of pants. The pants/jeans I buy in “long” are meant to be worn with this category of shoe only. Otherwise it looks like my pants are too short. These shoes are mainly solid in color as they are usually undercover.
4.) The Party Girls: This is my largest and most adored group. These shoes come out for special occasions: a night on the town, a fancy date, a party, a holiday, a wedding, etc. They were usually purchased for a specific outfit, or purchased and then I found an outfit to go with them. These range in color from glitzy silver to cherry red. They may have a mirrored heel, animal prints, plaid designs, bows, calf straps, or pink leather. I love these shoes with the same kind of passion I have for ice cream and coconut oil. They make me happy and are sure to get a compliment or two. They may not always be comfortable, but pain and fashion kind of have to go together sometimes. I’ll still dance the night away in them and they’ll probably only make it out of the house once or twice a year. Some are still in their boxes and have never left the house because there has yet to be an occasion that I feel would justify their ability to be worn. I need an event to be worthy of their presence.
Writing this little piece made me so happy that I am now fighting the urge to online shoe shop! My heart is thumping. UGH. I must stop. Ok. I’m getting up now and slowly backing away from the computer….
There is something magical and exciting about shoes. I’m not talking sneakers here, or slippers, or loafers. I’m talking about the elegant arch of a woman’s high heeled shoe. It’s all in the heel, the height, and the design. In my mind, the taller and more colorful the shoe, the better. When I browse the shoe department my heart does a little dance of excitement. My belly feels like it’s filled with helium. It’s pure joy to me. The way my tongue salivates when I look through the glass case at a bakery is a close comparison to how my mind feels when looking at shoes.
I have a distinct taste with shoes. My ankles are tiny so I prefer a heel with a strap. Pumps fall right off my feet. I also like a peep toe because my toes are a little too long for my liking. The soles of my feet are naturally curved, like a banana. My feet are very unhappy when they’re flat and I rarely ever go bare-footed because it makes me feel off balance if I’m not in a tippy toe position. My “flats” still have at least a 1 ½ inch heel on them. I own one pair of flip-flops and I despise them. That thong doesn’t fit between my toes and the flatness of a flip flop gives me foot cramps.
My shoes are like my children. I have a HUGE shoe family. They sleep in their boxes and some of them have suede bags or silk bags to lie in. Many of them have never been worn, or only worn once. I have this thing (OCD one may call it) with certain pairs of shoes. For instance, if I wore a pair out one night for a special occasion, or something really exciting happened while they were on my feet, then they have this little memory tied to them. If it was a really special moment, I may never wear them again for fear of taking away their unique memory. Or I fear that if something bad happens while I wear these shoes, then I will have ruined them and crushed the happy state they were in the last time I slipped them off. I know that sounds really messed up! Because of this, I give my shoes certain categories:
1.) The Casuals: This group of shoes gets worn to work, the grocery store, the park, etc. I love them. They’re comfortable and cute, reliable and responsible. These shoes are either some shade of black or brown and usually lay in a line by the front door in the foyer closet in shoe boxes. Their heel size ranges from 1 ½ to 3 inches.
2.) The Boots: Only worn in Fall/Winter, this category is one of things that makes the cold months bearable to me. At least I have a sexy boot to put my feet in. I have the skinny ones to go under pants and the tall bulky ones to go over. Usually in black, brown, grey, tan, with or without zippers or buckles. Yes, they all have heels and give me the great height that I crave so deeply. I love boots and they love me because my feet are always cold!
3.) The Tall Ladies: These shoes are known for their height and have at least a 4” heel. These feel very natural to me as I am a 5’10 girl trapped in a 5’7 frame. The taller a shoe can make me, the better I feel. A heel with this kind of height can only go with skirts (which I rarely wear) or a long pair of pants. The pants/jeans I buy in “long” are meant to be worn with this category of shoe only. Otherwise it looks like my pants are too short. These shoes are mainly solid in color as they are usually undercover.
4.) The Party Girls: This is my largest and most adored group. These shoes come out for special occasions: a night on the town, a fancy date, a party, a holiday, a wedding, etc. They were usually purchased for a specific outfit, or purchased and then I found an outfit to go with them. These range in color from glitzy silver to cherry red. They may have a mirrored heel, animal prints, plaid designs, bows, calf straps, or pink leather. I love these shoes with the same kind of passion I have for ice cream and coconut oil. They make me happy and are sure to get a compliment or two. They may not always be comfortable, but pain and fashion kind of have to go together sometimes. I’ll still dance the night away in them and they’ll probably only make it out of the house once or twice a year. Some are still in their boxes and have never left the house because there has yet to be an occasion that I feel would justify their ability to be worn. I need an event to be worthy of their presence.
Writing this little piece made me so happy that I am now fighting the urge to online shoe shop! My heart is thumping. UGH. I must stop. Ok. I’m getting up now and slowly backing away from the computer….
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Three Magical Words
I think it’s safe to say that the three most beautiful words used to express an emotion in the English language are “I love you.” People are driven to shout these words from mountain tops, write them in the sky, and tie a ring to them on bended knee. They can make hearts melt, tears slide, and angels sing in the distance. For some people, these three words can slip off the tongue like melted butter, but for others, they seem to stick to the roof of your mouth like peanut butter and just sit on the edge of your lip….simply waiting and pondering whether they’ll be allowed out or not.
When it comes to relationships, there seems to be certain marking points: The 3rd date, the “doing the dirty”, the meeting the parents, the decision not to see other people, and of course the part where you say “I love you.” Suddenly those beautiful words seem to become more of an “accomplishment” than an expression. Sometimes, you just can’t seem to PUT IT OUT THERE. But why? If love is defined as a strong positive emotion of regard and affection, than why is it so hard to admit to?
To say that we “love chocolate”, “love shopping”, “love music”, etc. is easy to admit to, and yet, when we enter into a relationship in which our heart is involved with another human being, we can’t seem to pry these words off our tongue to save our life. If you are seeing someone who makes you blush when they flirt with you, gives you butterflies in your belly, puts little stars in your eyes just by looking at them, and gives you an orgasm that could cause a seizure, um, what’s not to love? Saying “I love you” should not have to be so damn difficult. You’re not proposing here, you’re simply stating that you acknowledge a feeling of happiness and affection for the person you’re with.
I think back to how many times I was in a relationship where I wanted to say those three little words, but didn’t out of fear. Why should I say them first? Why isn’t he saying them? Doesn’t he love me? What is he scared of? Will this be the night when he says it? Maybe he’ll say it in Vegas. He didn’t. Now what? Should I just end it? This will never amount to anything. If he doesn’t say it this weekend, than I’m done. He didn’t. Should I stay? UGH. The ridiculousness of those damn words could drive a person crazy. What the hell does it matter who says it and when?! If you’re seeing each other exclusively, spend every weekend together, and feel like their presence brings out the best in you, than guess what? Whether you want to admit it or not, you love them. It’s ok to admit to love.
For every person that I have ever said I love you to, they made an impact on my heart and I am grateful for that, however short lived or spontaneous our time was together. Love is never really lost and it’s never forgotten. Love creates memories and makes you grow into a stronger person. Love doesn’t suck, and it’s really not that difficult to feel either. We all know that love makes the world go round. Saying I love you does not commit you to anything; it does not make you any more responsible, or any more vulnerable to heartache.
Don’t overthink it so much, because honestly? You have nothing to lose by saying I love you and it doesn’t magnetically bond you to someone for all eternity just because you warm their heart with three little words every now and then. If all else fails you’re supposed to set it free anyways because if it comes back to you it’s yours, and if it doesn’t it was never meant to be.
Case closed. Now go tell someone you love them :)
When it comes to relationships, there seems to be certain marking points: The 3rd date, the “doing the dirty”, the meeting the parents, the decision not to see other people, and of course the part where you say “I love you.” Suddenly those beautiful words seem to become more of an “accomplishment” than an expression. Sometimes, you just can’t seem to PUT IT OUT THERE. But why? If love is defined as a strong positive emotion of regard and affection, than why is it so hard to admit to?
To say that we “love chocolate”, “love shopping”, “love music”, etc. is easy to admit to, and yet, when we enter into a relationship in which our heart is involved with another human being, we can’t seem to pry these words off our tongue to save our life. If you are seeing someone who makes you blush when they flirt with you, gives you butterflies in your belly, puts little stars in your eyes just by looking at them, and gives you an orgasm that could cause a seizure, um, what’s not to love? Saying “I love you” should not have to be so damn difficult. You’re not proposing here, you’re simply stating that you acknowledge a feeling of happiness and affection for the person you’re with.
I think back to how many times I was in a relationship where I wanted to say those three little words, but didn’t out of fear. Why should I say them first? Why isn’t he saying them? Doesn’t he love me? What is he scared of? Will this be the night when he says it? Maybe he’ll say it in Vegas. He didn’t. Now what? Should I just end it? This will never amount to anything. If he doesn’t say it this weekend, than I’m done. He didn’t. Should I stay? UGH. The ridiculousness of those damn words could drive a person crazy. What the hell does it matter who says it and when?! If you’re seeing each other exclusively, spend every weekend together, and feel like their presence brings out the best in you, than guess what? Whether you want to admit it or not, you love them. It’s ok to admit to love.
For every person that I have ever said I love you to, they made an impact on my heart and I am grateful for that, however short lived or spontaneous our time was together. Love is never really lost and it’s never forgotten. Love creates memories and makes you grow into a stronger person. Love doesn’t suck, and it’s really not that difficult to feel either. We all know that love makes the world go round. Saying I love you does not commit you to anything; it does not make you any more responsible, or any more vulnerable to heartache.
Don’t overthink it so much, because honestly? You have nothing to lose by saying I love you and it doesn’t magnetically bond you to someone for all eternity just because you warm their heart with three little words every now and then. If all else fails you’re supposed to set it free anyways because if it comes back to you it’s yours, and if it doesn’t it was never meant to be.
Case closed. Now go tell someone you love them :)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Uncoat the sugar and get real!
Do you ever run across someone that just seems TOO DAMN HAPPY? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty happy person myself. I love my life, don’t take things too seriously, and usually wake up with a positive mind set, but honestly? Life isn’t perfect all the time and not every day is a bowl of cherries.
However, some people always seem to wake up on the right side of the bed and are doing “fabulous!” if you ask. Nobody ever pisses in their cheerios and they have the perfect cookie cutter little life where their grass is greener and their kids are wonderful little blessings and everything is peachy keen every single day. They seem to ride to work by sliding down rainbows while an exhaust of sparkly sunshine shoots out their ass. Well, I got news for you…this is not normal and I don’t buy it!
Here’s the thing, I love happy positive people, and I’m one of them 98% of the time, but I don’t take it into overkill. You need to have some bad days pop up in the mix, for without them, you would never appreciate the good ones. I don’t expect life to be fabulous every single day, so I accept my days for what they are. I am satisfied most of the time with what I get from them and always go to bed with a warm heart. However, these certain people in the world that never have anything to complain about and seem to live in this happy little bubble, are a mirage. I want to pop that bubble and whisper:” It’s ok to not try to look like you’re little Mary Sunshine every single day.”
Your facebook status update simply cannot be about how wonderful and blessed you are and how life is so super great every single day. This usually coming from the girl who’s fresh out of a relationship, but still friends with the ex, hence needing to make him read about how much better her life is since he left her. Yes, this is obvious, and yes he knows you’re writing that to get him jealous. No, it most likely does not work.
I just wish that people would feel comfortable enough to express their selves in a more realistic manner and not worry that someone may judge them. You don’t have to be “Super Mom, Stepford wife” and love your job every day. I know you stub your toe sometimes and scream the “F bomb” like the rest of us! Because seriously? How can you not get pissed off when you stub your toe…?
No one of us is any better than the rest when it comes to life. Life is unpredictable, and unfair, and beautiful all at once. It’s mysterious and fun, but sometimes shit happens. Sometimes you have to roll around in it a bit before you can sort the shit out. It’s all meant to be. It’s ok to have these bad days. You don’t have to act like you’re “So happy!” all the time. Because underneath that layer of sugar you dress yourself in and behind that fake smile you plaster on your face, there’s a real human being under there that people would prefer to see more of. True happiness comes from within and it’s grown from trial and error, mistakes and recovery, good and bad. So please uncoat the sugar every now and then and admit that you got a speeding ticket, told a few good lies, or put your underwear on backwards. Normal people are so much more interesting than the perfect mirage.
** For any of you who may think I was referring to you when I mentioned the “too happy” status updates. I wasn’t. Those people have already been deleted :)
However, some people always seem to wake up on the right side of the bed and are doing “fabulous!” if you ask. Nobody ever pisses in their cheerios and they have the perfect cookie cutter little life where their grass is greener and their kids are wonderful little blessings and everything is peachy keen every single day. They seem to ride to work by sliding down rainbows while an exhaust of sparkly sunshine shoots out their ass. Well, I got news for you…this is not normal and I don’t buy it!
Here’s the thing, I love happy positive people, and I’m one of them 98% of the time, but I don’t take it into overkill. You need to have some bad days pop up in the mix, for without them, you would never appreciate the good ones. I don’t expect life to be fabulous every single day, so I accept my days for what they are. I am satisfied most of the time with what I get from them and always go to bed with a warm heart. However, these certain people in the world that never have anything to complain about and seem to live in this happy little bubble, are a mirage. I want to pop that bubble and whisper:” It’s ok to not try to look like you’re little Mary Sunshine every single day.”
Your facebook status update simply cannot be about how wonderful and blessed you are and how life is so super great every single day. This usually coming from the girl who’s fresh out of a relationship, but still friends with the ex, hence needing to make him read about how much better her life is since he left her. Yes, this is obvious, and yes he knows you’re writing that to get him jealous. No, it most likely does not work.
I just wish that people would feel comfortable enough to express their selves in a more realistic manner and not worry that someone may judge them. You don’t have to be “Super Mom, Stepford wife” and love your job every day. I know you stub your toe sometimes and scream the “F bomb” like the rest of us! Because seriously? How can you not get pissed off when you stub your toe…?
No one of us is any better than the rest when it comes to life. Life is unpredictable, and unfair, and beautiful all at once. It’s mysterious and fun, but sometimes shit happens. Sometimes you have to roll around in it a bit before you can sort the shit out. It’s all meant to be. It’s ok to have these bad days. You don’t have to act like you’re “So happy!” all the time. Because underneath that layer of sugar you dress yourself in and behind that fake smile you plaster on your face, there’s a real human being under there that people would prefer to see more of. True happiness comes from within and it’s grown from trial and error, mistakes and recovery, good and bad. So please uncoat the sugar every now and then and admit that you got a speeding ticket, told a few good lies, or put your underwear on backwards. Normal people are so much more interesting than the perfect mirage.
** For any of you who may think I was referring to you when I mentioned the “too happy” status updates. I wasn’t. Those people have already been deleted :)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
A little lesson in Vo-Cab-U-Lary
Say it like it’s meant to be spoken people….it drives me crazy hearing words continuously mispronounced on a daily basis. Here is a helpful little lesson in pro-nun-see-ay-shun. Wanna hear my top 10 lists of mispronounced words that drive me craaaazy? OK…here goes:
1.) MILK ( it’s not melk people, it’s milk, you know, like silk with an M?)
2.) ENVELOPE: EN, as in Engage and Entrust, so do not say this word as Onvelope please.
3.) MEASURE: There is no “Y” in this word, so do not say it like Maysure. UGH.
4.) ILLINOIS: The “S” is silent, no really, it is, google it.
5.) BUSINESS: Not Bidness.
6.) DIDN’T: Unless you’re trying to be comedic, don’t say it as di’int. Oh I don’t even know how to spell it! Di’nt? Diint? Dihint? Whatever, you know what I mean!
7.) PRESCRIPTION: Not Per-scription. PRE-scription. Don’t swap the R and the E!
8.) SUPPOSEDLY: Many say this as Supposably or supposevley—no no no that is not right!
9.) TAKE FOR GRANITE: The word you want to use is granted, say it with me, grant-ed. Taking something for a marbled countertop would not make sense now would it?
10.) ASK: This one drives me nuts more than anything! Everytime someone says “Aks” instead of ask, I want to hit them over the head with a hammer. It’s a 3 letter word. A-S-K…it doesn’t get much easier!
I hope I have helped you all in this little vocabulary lesson!
There will be more lists like this to come I’m sure….
1.) MILK ( it’s not melk people, it’s milk, you know, like silk with an M?)
2.) ENVELOPE: EN, as in Engage and Entrust, so do not say this word as Onvelope please.
3.) MEASURE: There is no “Y” in this word, so do not say it like Maysure. UGH.
4.) ILLINOIS: The “S” is silent, no really, it is, google it.
5.) BUSINESS: Not Bidness.
6.) DIDN’T: Unless you’re trying to be comedic, don’t say it as di’int. Oh I don’t even know how to spell it! Di’nt? Diint? Dihint? Whatever, you know what I mean!
7.) PRESCRIPTION: Not Per-scription. PRE-scription. Don’t swap the R and the E!
8.) SUPPOSEDLY: Many say this as Supposably or supposevley—no no no that is not right!
9.) TAKE FOR GRANITE: The word you want to use is granted, say it with me, grant-ed. Taking something for a marbled countertop would not make sense now would it?
10.) ASK: This one drives me nuts more than anything! Everytime someone says “Aks” instead of ask, I want to hit them over the head with a hammer. It’s a 3 letter word. A-S-K…it doesn’t get much easier!
I hope I have helped you all in this little vocabulary lesson!
There will be more lists like this to come I’m sure….
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Chivalry…Let’s kill it already
To all you women out there who fantasize about a man swooping you up in his arms while galloping into your life on a white horse....this post is not for you.
Here’s the deal, I can carry my own bags provided they aren’t too heavy and open my own door provided my fingers are functioning. I had to laugh when I saw a middle-aged woman patiently waiting beside her car door (it wasn’t locked btw cuz I saw the tail lights flash indiciating her man had hit the “unlock” button on his key chain) She stood there like a statue, lips tight, beside her passenger door until he finished chatting with his friend so that he could walk over to her side of the car and open the door for her. She did not thank him, or smile sweetly, she looked perterbed and irritated by the fact that it took him so long. She had hands by the way. And all the limbs. I stared at the incident in a confused sort of “WTF” manner. Do women like this really exist?
I was on a date one time where the guy made it a point to grab my hand off the door handle so that he could open my car door for me and announced the words “Chivalry is not dead my dear. “ And I thought “No, but this relationship is.” That is how much it annoyed me. It embarrassed me that he seemed to be trying so hard.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind if someone ahead of me into a store holds the door a tad so I can catch it. That’s normal. However, when someone is more than 10 feet ahead of me and holds the door open to the point where I feel like I need to skip into a light jog in order to relieve them of this door holding duty, well that annoys me. If the door is fully closed for 5 seconds and I need to reopen it, um, I think I can handle that and it does not make you rude. It’s a glass door, not a brick wall I’m trying to get through!
Maybe I’m just different, or have a warped view on what it means to be “treated like a lady”, but I just feel like part of being a big girl is tying her own shoes and opening her own car door. Now…if you want to buy me the shoes or buy me the car, that’s different. It’s rude to turn down gifts you know.
Here’s the deal, I can carry my own bags provided they aren’t too heavy and open my own door provided my fingers are functioning. I had to laugh when I saw a middle-aged woman patiently waiting beside her car door (it wasn’t locked btw cuz I saw the tail lights flash indiciating her man had hit the “unlock” button on his key chain) She stood there like a statue, lips tight, beside her passenger door until he finished chatting with his friend so that he could walk over to her side of the car and open the door for her. She did not thank him, or smile sweetly, she looked perterbed and irritated by the fact that it took him so long. She had hands by the way. And all the limbs. I stared at the incident in a confused sort of “WTF” manner. Do women like this really exist?
I was on a date one time where the guy made it a point to grab my hand off the door handle so that he could open my car door for me and announced the words “Chivalry is not dead my dear. “ And I thought “No, but this relationship is.” That is how much it annoyed me. It embarrassed me that he seemed to be trying so hard.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind if someone ahead of me into a store holds the door a tad so I can catch it. That’s normal. However, when someone is more than 10 feet ahead of me and holds the door open to the point where I feel like I need to skip into a light jog in order to relieve them of this door holding duty, well that annoys me. If the door is fully closed for 5 seconds and I need to reopen it, um, I think I can handle that and it does not make you rude. It’s a glass door, not a brick wall I’m trying to get through!
Maybe I’m just different, or have a warped view on what it means to be “treated like a lady”, but I just feel like part of being a big girl is tying her own shoes and opening her own car door. Now…if you want to buy me the shoes or buy me the car, that’s different. It’s rude to turn down gifts you know.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Vajazzle= Ixnay on MY Va-Jay-Jay!
For those of you out there who have not heard of this term “vajazzle”, let me fill you in: This is the act of applying glitter and jewels to a woman’s nether regions for aesthetic purposes. Basically, you’re glitzin’ up the twat to make it more fancy and appealing, hence making yourself appear desperate and delusional.
Now that we got the def out of the way, can we please all say this together, ready? GO: WHAT THE FUCK?! Ladies! What happened to the days when a lacy thong, clean shave, or scented lotion was enough to jazz up the Y? Must we be applying glue to our skin in the formation of ruby jeweled flowers and pink crystal pussy cats in order to look presentable? Honestly.
Now we have websites (www.vajazzling.com- worth the click if you want to gasp with me), talk shows, 800 numbers, the whole sha-bang geared toward this supposed vajazzling. I know, a million questions are going through your head right now, as they should be. The design only lasts a few days and loose clothes are recommended so they don’t rub off, hey, this would be ideal for a nudist colony! Also, the website warns that your “vajazzle” won’t look as good with an STD so practice safe sex. Um…for $100 a jewel job, I’d rather just prance around and show it off, much less have a guy dry hump it off of me—ouch!
Another thought, why do the women feel the need to get all spruced up down there…I’m still trying to get over the whole “anal bleaching” thing, which is another “ixnay for MY boo-tay.” (Oh, new term? Google it). The guy is just happy to get you out of the panties without getting all distracted and blinded by the disco ball between your thighs. Plus, then he’ll get all confused about “Should I touch it?” “Will it rip her skin when we grind?” and “Is she going to get pissed if I loose one of these $17 gems in the process?” Or worse, “Am I supposed to be putting jewels on my balls?”
All I know is that the cock and the vagina are just fine “as is” provided they’re well maintained, smell fresh, and disease free. So guys, please don’t go dipping your dicks in glitter in an effort to keep up with the trend. This too shall pass…...
Now that we got the def out of the way, can we please all say this together, ready? GO: WHAT THE FUCK?! Ladies! What happened to the days when a lacy thong, clean shave, or scented lotion was enough to jazz up the Y? Must we be applying glue to our skin in the formation of ruby jeweled flowers and pink crystal pussy cats in order to look presentable? Honestly.
Now we have websites (www.vajazzling.com- worth the click if you want to gasp with me), talk shows, 800 numbers, the whole sha-bang geared toward this supposed vajazzling. I know, a million questions are going through your head right now, as they should be. The design only lasts a few days and loose clothes are recommended so they don’t rub off, hey, this would be ideal for a nudist colony! Also, the website warns that your “vajazzle” won’t look as good with an STD so practice safe sex. Um…for $100 a jewel job, I’d rather just prance around and show it off, much less have a guy dry hump it off of me—ouch!
Another thought, why do the women feel the need to get all spruced up down there…I’m still trying to get over the whole “anal bleaching” thing, which is another “ixnay for MY boo-tay.” (Oh, new term? Google it). The guy is just happy to get you out of the panties without getting all distracted and blinded by the disco ball between your thighs. Plus, then he’ll get all confused about “Should I touch it?” “Will it rip her skin when we grind?” and “Is she going to get pissed if I loose one of these $17 gems in the process?” Or worse, “Am I supposed to be putting jewels on my balls?”
All I know is that the cock and the vagina are just fine “as is” provided they’re well maintained, smell fresh, and disease free. So guys, please don’t go dipping your dicks in glitter in an effort to keep up with the trend. This too shall pass…...
Sunday, July 18, 2010
The disection of the perfect quote…
Ever heard that cute little phrase that goes a lil’ something like “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.” Touching, I know. May even bring a tear to an eye if spoken at the right moment. But after rereading this and thinking about it…um…yeah…it’s not entirely accurate.
The best my heart has ever felt, and it has felt pretty damn good, was usually a direct response from A) Either something I was looking at, or B) something I was touching. I’ll never forget the first time I saw Brad Pitt in Thelma & Louise and the way my heart sprouted wings and fluttered in circles around my chest, tickled the inside of my belly and floated down to the nether regions of, well, ya know. Oh and the time I put my bare feet in the blue water off the coast of Catalina Island while the fading glow of an orange sunset kissed my face and a light breeze drew circles in my long hair. Let’s just say my heart would never be the same.
So yes, I get that the heart is the core of all beauty in this world, but without something to visually stimulate that blood that lashes through our ventricles in that fired up thump we know as love or to feel, and even smell, the things that tickle our soul and warm our insides, the heart really can’t be given the power to feel. Joy, happiness, bliss...all those emotion fuel our heart, but the things that really kick it into over drive are usually the look of an eye looking back at you in just that right moment, or the feeling you get when you run your hands through your childs hair after they’ve fallen asleep in your arms.
Um, ok, so I just googled this quote and realized it’s from the beloved Helen Keller. Yes, she was blind and deaf, so it makes sense why her heart was so strong. She notes one of the most amazing points in her life was when her tudor Anne Sullivan led her to a water pump and spelled "W-A-T-E-R" into Helen's hand. It was electric! This feeling turned into a word. Helen then leaned down and tapped the ground; Anne spelled "E-A-R-T-H." That was the day Helen learned her first 30 words. I’m sure her chest was pumping with excitement, but that beautiful feeling in her heart was allowed to shine through because she “touched” the water and “felt” the earth resulting in the writing of letters in the palm of her hand. So the most beautiful things in the world “can” be touched, and are then “felt” with the heart. I rest my case.
I guess some quotes are dead on and some have little glimmers of truth. Like the “Good things come in small packages” quote. Cuz ya know that isn’t always the case...
The best my heart has ever felt, and it has felt pretty damn good, was usually a direct response from A) Either something I was looking at, or B) something I was touching. I’ll never forget the first time I saw Brad Pitt in Thelma & Louise and the way my heart sprouted wings and fluttered in circles around my chest, tickled the inside of my belly and floated down to the nether regions of, well, ya know. Oh and the time I put my bare feet in the blue water off the coast of Catalina Island while the fading glow of an orange sunset kissed my face and a light breeze drew circles in my long hair. Let’s just say my heart would never be the same.
So yes, I get that the heart is the core of all beauty in this world, but without something to visually stimulate that blood that lashes through our ventricles in that fired up thump we know as love or to feel, and even smell, the things that tickle our soul and warm our insides, the heart really can’t be given the power to feel. Joy, happiness, bliss...all those emotion fuel our heart, but the things that really kick it into over drive are usually the look of an eye looking back at you in just that right moment, or the feeling you get when you run your hands through your childs hair after they’ve fallen asleep in your arms.
Um, ok, so I just googled this quote and realized it’s from the beloved Helen Keller. Yes, she was blind and deaf, so it makes sense why her heart was so strong. She notes one of the most amazing points in her life was when her tudor Anne Sullivan led her to a water pump and spelled "W-A-T-E-R" into Helen's hand. It was electric! This feeling turned into a word. Helen then leaned down and tapped the ground; Anne spelled "E-A-R-T-H." That was the day Helen learned her first 30 words. I’m sure her chest was pumping with excitement, but that beautiful feeling in her heart was allowed to shine through because she “touched” the water and “felt” the earth resulting in the writing of letters in the palm of her hand. So the most beautiful things in the world “can” be touched, and are then “felt” with the heart. I rest my case.
I guess some quotes are dead on and some have little glimmers of truth. Like the “Good things come in small packages” quote. Cuz ya know that isn’t always the case...
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