Tips for surviving the inevitable snow while operating a motor vehicle:
1.) Convince yourself that STOP signs automatically convert into YIELD signs if it’s slippery.
2.) STAY BACK and WATCH YOUR BACK. While driving always remain at least 20 feet behind the car ahead of you. You don’t know them. They could be the OMG-I-Need-to-slam-on-my-breaks-because-the-light-2-miles-ahead-looks-red type of person and you don’t want to rear end the moron. Also, check your rear view mirror constantly. If someone is sliding behind you, you can drive defensively and speed up or swerve to avoid being hit.
3.) No need to pick a lane if you can’t see the lines. Just follow the damn tracks.
4.) OR if there is an obvious “2 lane” road and 2 lines have formed stick to the side that has the easiest ditch to be towed out of should you happen to veer off while playing air drums or reapplying the lip-gloss.
5.) Express road rage as you will but just keep two hands on the wheel, unless of course someone is worthy of a quick flip of the middle finger (aka that A-hole that flies by you going 70 in a 55 while you’re barely pushing 40 and blows snow all up in your grill) It’s a foggy haze of flippin’ snow so they can’t see your obscene gesture anyways. Or just stick your tongue out and yell the F bomb, it’s safer.
6.) Get your tank full. DO NOT however assume it is wise to slide your card and “pay at the pump” if the slot is filled with snow. I know this because mine got stuck in there and poor little Visa was frozen and battered from the 10 minutes I spent trying to retrieve it. Icy wet card + snow caked gloves = a cold mess.
7.) Wiper fluid? Make sure it’s full. Wiper blades? Make sure they work. Headlights? Turn them on. Ice scraper? Have no less than 3 in the car at all times! Keep extra gloves in the glove box, a shovel in the back and a nice stash of old shingles. Use common sense and delete all fear!
8.) Do not be the annoying driver that goes 3 mph and grips the steering wheel like your holding onto a ring of gold during a tornado and is too damn scared to even turn the radio station. Put on your big girl panties or wear a freakin’ diaper I don’t care just RELAX and drive like you’re sane.
9.) Take deep breathes and practice patience while being stuck in traffic. There is nothing that can speed up the people in front of you even if you honk, yell, flash lights, flash boobs, etc (tried them all, they failed). So just sit back and listen to Mozart or do some tongue exercises, make funny faces in the mirror or pick the lint out of your air vents. It is what it is.
10.) Remind yourself that IT’S ONLY SNOW! It’s only snow. White and cold and slippery when wet. It doesn’t shoot bullets. It just falls and sits. It’s what makes children giggle and brings snow angels to life. It makes Winter a wonderland and Christmas time bright so put on some cozy leg warmers and a big ol pair of boots and appreciate it while it’s here.
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