Yup. I’m the crazy girl who went and bought a Mother’s Day card even though her Mom is passed away. I didn’t do it because I forgot that she died, so I guess I could be even crazier. I did it because I wanted to. I felt better after doing it so it can only be a good thing.
All month long it felt like I was bombarded with “deals” catering towards MOM and what I am to buy that special mother in my life. I got hundreds of emails from local spas, beauty shops, Godiva chocolates and they’re over priced decadent red boxes, from jewelry stores to bakeries, all the damn coupons for Kohls, Herbergers, Macys, and every other store on the face of the planet all boasting MOM MOM MOM. BUY BUY BUY. STAB STAB STAB.
You can’t turn your head down an aisle in Target without seeing signs or balloons screaming Mother’s Day at you and damn it... I want a Mom that I can see not just feel, but whatever presence I get will have to do because her feet no longer make prints on this earth, even though they float through my house daily (this I know) and she tip toes all over my dreams at night (yes it is possible to have full conversations with the dead in a subconscious state of mind). I want to pick up a phone and call her. I want her voice. I want her back in the physical world and that is not going to happen. It sucks and that’s it. Happy Mother’s Day isn’t as happy as I would like this year.
So this card aisle in Target has been beckoning me to invade it for weeks now and purchase a card for my Mom in celebration of Mother’s Day. Quite frankly I was tired of the whole mind debate over whether buying a card would then depict me as clinically insane or whether one may see it as mental/grieving therapy shit. I opted for the latter and perused the Mother’s day card section today. It took a very very long time (well maybe 20 minutes or so) to find a card that was somewhat appropriate for the departed mother. It was not easy! They really need a “trying to get over the loss of a mother during mother’s day” card section. There is none. Yes there is a need (hence ME). I could literally feel my Mom’s spirit peek behind my shoulder as I browsed. I could feel her softly giggle/sigh about it, doing that rolling of her eyes thing (but not really rolling them because she never wanted to be rude so she would sort of close them and roll them under her lids discretely and then open her eyes again). Then she’d say “Oh Melanie...” I know she’s getting a kick out of this which in part is why I did it.
I finally found a card that made me laugh. A photo of little girl purchasing a pair of designer shoes for 50% off and saying “Thanks Mom you taught me well!” This is true. Past, present, future, whatever. I can always thank my Mom for passing down her love to shop! I picked it up and bought it. Now I’m going to write it out. Yes I am. I am going to write this card to my Mom because I KNOW she will see it because she’s still around. I want her to know she will always be a part of my life and will never be forgotten. She will always be worthy of thanks and always be deserving of a Mother’s Day card even if her hands can’t hold it. I will lay it open on my night stand until this weekend passes and hope her eyes can see it. I know they will.
So I’m not fit for the loony bin just yet. I’m simply trying to let her know that I will always be a proud and thankful daughter who will take the time to cherish her memory. I will always have a place in my heart that will feel her love because dead or alive you never stop needing and appreciating your Mother and your Mother never really leaves you either. She just switches forms. That's it.
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