A few words to Charlie Sheen....

Dear Charlie Sheen,

Grow the hell up and get your shit together. The baby daddies on Teen Mom are better fit for fatherhood than your sorry ass, coke snortin’, prostitute screwin’, hard boozin, wife beatin’ piece of crap. I don’t care how good of an actor you are or how much $$$ you got in the bank. Fame cannot earn you respect. Money cannot buy you a free pass at intelligence in the eyes of the public. At the end of day, NO, people don’t really give two shits about your life and we don’t go to sleep at night wondering who Charlie Sheen is banging or whether or not he’s wasted in some hotel room with some ho tied up in a bathroom while he’s blurry eyed and breathing through a nose that’s clogged with coke, but guess what? We have to hear about it on the radio, watch it on the entertainment news, and see photos of it on the internet and magazine covers. So with your bloody fame breathing down our necks, of course we are forced to make some sort of opinion on the nature of your actions. I thought you sucked long long ago, but everyone else seemed to think you were such a great actor, that it somehow condoned it all. I’m just so over the rich and famous prancing around on the red carpet and sucking up the lime light, and lavishing in the Hollywood glory of seeing their face in multiple films, but the second they do something raunchy and down right disgusting they’re all “oh my private life is none of your business.” Excuse me? Your private life depicts the true YOU, it lets your true personality step out of the shadow of the fictional character you play, and this Charlie Sheen, helps us decide whether or not we want to invest our time watching you enjoy the thrill of being so talented at your skill. Maybe I don’t want to contribute to your pay check by watching your show so that you can spend more $$ on drugs and ho-bags while potentially disrupting the well being of your children.
Gaahh! And now you’re prancing around back on the set of “Two and a half Men” (a-hem you’re not even 1/2 a man by the way) with some hot little barely 18 blonde little bimbo on your arm, making out in between sets but telling everyone it’s nobody’s fucking business who she is. You’re such an idiot you probably assume she actually thinks you're hot even though you look like a wrinkled old grandpa next to her and she has that twinkle in her eye because she's pretty proud of herself for getting her photo in a gossip magazine, but if you didn’t have $$ she wouldn’t look twice at your tired old monkey face... Charlie Sheen, you ooze douche bag to me in so many ways I cannot even stand to discuss it anymore, so my rant needs to end before I try to rip up my computer screen for allowing your name to even be typed on it!

So please. Grow up so the tabloids have a reason to shut up. I’m tired of looking at your face. And quit trying to look all suave and sexy when you look at the camera, because at your age, it just comes across as looking confused....

The benefits of "Beer drinking chics"

According to a study done by OkCupid, women who prefer the taste of beer are more likely to sleep with you on the first date... Um....duh? Ha ha.

No really. How a person could conduct a study based on your taste for beer and equate it to if you’ll do the dirty on the first date is beyond me, but it does kind of make sense. Maybe a little bit?

Ok so I kind of agree with this, not because I like the taste of beer and I’m proof of this little study, but well...I like my fellow beer drinking girls and I think there’s a true meaning behind this test by OkCupid.

Why? Well, here’s a few things I know about girls that drink beer:

They don’t always have to be prim and proper and act like a lady. They can belch out loud and look hot while doing it, rather than cup their mouth in shame...in fact, they have no shame.

They laugh at their bold indiscretion. Beer drinking girls are who they are. No fakes here. If they want to jump your bones on the first date, they do so because they want what they want when they want it and would do the walk of shame with their head held high. Oh wait- walk of shame? Shiiii- they own it like the walk of fame girl.

Girls who drink beer usually know how to shoot pool, throw darts, and well, drop it like it’s hot. On the dance floor and in the bed...

Girls who prefer a bottle of beer to a glass of chardonnay usually know how to hold their own and hang-with-the-boys so they say. They aren’t specific, they’re usually not too picky, not too opinionated, and can go with the flow. (All of this I think I know from beer drinker’s?!) I know! Such crazy opinions have...

A beer drinking girl can whip her hair at a concert, walk in mud and rain to get to a tent that has beer and sit on a broken down lawn chair and enjoy that beer with a smile on her face. Why? Because beer drinking girls understand the simple things like good music, a round of friends, and well, a cold bottle of beer. Nothing is too serious or too dramatic. Sex on the first date really isn’t THAT big of a deal to them either.

If you’re on a first date and you ask the girl what she wants to drink and she replies “Oh I’ll just have a beer.” Chances are you’re getting it in. Well about a 60% chance, according to this study.

The way I see it, a beer drinking girl is comfortable in her skin, she knows who she is, what she wants, and she’s not afraid to get IT.

If the girl wants wine, she probably likes to take things slow (hence the sipping) and doesn’t want to get toooo tipsy. She likes to look well polished and not get her hair all out of order ...

A girl that hops on the shots right away is insecure and trying too hard. She’ll probably end up like a hot mess later and you won’t be able to get her OUT of the bed if she makes it to it. Her performance will not be up to par either, unlike the beer drinking girl who doesn't have to wonder what you think or if you’ll take her home because she assumes you think she’s awesome and she knows you want to take her home.

So, cheers to all my bottle loving, brew hugging, dirty doing little bitches out there in the world tonight. May your first date start with a beer and end with a bang.

I think I’ll drink to that :)

I'm a Gemini now?! Well that just explains EVERYTHING!

What?! You mean I’m not a reserved,sensitive, moody, prudent, domestic, traditionalist? I’m not a Cancer?!

I’m not huge into astrological signs, but after hearing about recent talk of the Earth’s wobble on its axis, creating a one-month bump in the alignment of the stars, I decided to do some research. My July 6th birthday would have formerly been a Cancer sign, but it is now a Gemini. This makes absolute and total sense to me when reading the description of this sign. I’ve always felt like many of the attributes of a Cancer did not accurately describe me at all. Gemini however? Hits the nail on the head.

I have always said I felt like I was a multitude of personalities, I even attempted to explain this in my facebook bio. Anyone who knows me has heard me say I have multiple personalities, but not to be considered a disorder, as I feel very orderly in my mind as a whole. One of the main traits of being born a Gemini is their dual personalities and ability to change mood from moment to moment. Hello? That’s totally me. Along with wit, brilliancy, and the description of “the life of the party”, I can’t help but feel I fit into this category. Confidence, not arrogance people, and yes there is a world of difference!

A Gemini is not expected to be constant with their ideas and plans (I always say how indecisive I am, and feel comfortable letting others make choices for me). Geminis are the most difficult to understand, having the affect of being hot and cold within the same moment. I get this. I am this. I have never understood it though. They “lack continuity on purpose.” I get this too. I have a tendency to be my own worst enemy, jeopardizing pieces of my life, without realizing I’m doing it which explains the twin sides of Gemini which perpetually pull in opposite directions. This explains so much you have no idea.

Gemini's are described as human puzzles, while loving passionately, they can be inconstant at the same moment...this describes my 20’s perfectly. My husband, who was born 8 days after me falls into the same horoscope and since his mindset is similar to mine, it helps that we both understand our puzzling ways. Speaking of puzzles though, we do fit together perfectly.

To Gemini's, every moment has a separate existence and they can quickly see the weak points of those they meet, while reducing it all with sarcasm and wit. How very true this is. Cancer sign would say I am easily hurt by the slights of others, but I never felt that described me. While I am intrigued by others thought and opinion of me, I have never let it directly affect my view of myself or disrupt my actions. An overly sensitive Cancer is not me at all, unless I’m in the throes of PMS of course!

Cancer’s are known to be good at accumulating things, but I have no problem tossing out things I don’t need and hate extra stuff lying around. I am also not over-anxious about financial matters, like the Cancers are.

Also, Cancers are described as having a deep love for “their people” and stick firm to family traditions and customs. This is so not me! I blend with all people and can’t stand it when people lack the ability to embrace change and be different. I would rather be my own person and not succumb to the one-track minds of conformity. I do not subscribe to any specific religion and am totally comfortable with changing my mind about all aspects of life. I am a Gemini you see. That’s what they do!

Cancers are very timid and are afraid of refusal. This couldn’t be further from my personality. Difficult to make friends? That is a Cancer, but honey that is not me. I am the social butterfly. I am entertaining. I am delightful. I have wit. I am a Gemini!

If I ever feel shy, intimidated, or unsocial, all I have to do is remember that I am a GEMINI now and that is not what a GEMINI would be like damn it! I am GEMINI hear me roar. RAAAAWWRRR....Hmmm.... maybe I should get a tattoo since I finally feel like I understand myself and can actually breathe a sigh of relief over all this confusion. Thanks to this astrological hiccup I have finally figured out who in the hell I am.

Now that I’m a Gemini my description is versatile, lively,alert, quick-witted,literary,changeable,social, intellectual, and logical. Yesiree, that is me!

It's time to break up. Winter, I am so over you!

Dear Winter,

Although the beginning of our relationship seemed to start off fresh and magical, I’m sad to say my feelings have changed. I remember the way your snow twinkled in the air and swept me off my feet, and how your soft flakes gently caressed my face, but I am now realizing that I was completely delusional during that period of time. Like the snow blowing through the air, love floats; and this love my dear Winter, has taken a high speed tornado track to disappointment and grief.

I know it’s not your fault, you’re just being yourself by dropping ice and sleet in an effort to freeze the land, but I’m afraid my heart has frozen along with it and I just cannot go on. You have turned me into a cold hearted woman these past few days and I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel (although if I did, I’d run to that beam of sunshine and let it ravage my body with it’s heat and start a hot and sultry affair right then and there....)

You see my dear Winter, once again you have turned out to be a disguise, a mirage. You paint a pretty picture of frosty innocent snow and glowing fires, but then you piss all over it with your muddy tire flaps and dead end roads. We have a total lack of communication and I’m tired of trying to pound my point into your thick frozen skull. You exhaust my soul. My windshield wipers are mere icicles flapping back and forth, and like the slow tick tock of my heart, I just can’t move past the blurry mess of what we have become...

You and I? We’re so not meant to be. You’re just not hot enough for me. You have turned vicious and cold and you’re taking me down with you. I am my own person damn it and you cannot, and will not change me.. I’m a beach bunny, not an ice princess and you’ll never change that. It’s like we live in two different worlds and neither one of us can compromise. So take you’re cute little snowmen and you’re mountains of slush and snow and get the hell out of my life. I don’t want to see you attempt to fix this with your damn snow plows or fancy little colored lights strung all over the land. Because in the end? I’m just not putting up with your drama anymore. What started off soft and sweet always turns rough and sour at the end with you and so I’m not falling for you ever again. This is it. This is me kissing your frozen ass good-bye.

Fa-la-la-la-la-la
Ta-ta Ta-ta :-)

Me

Pajama Jeans: The new craze or totally crazy?

I cannot even believe I just watched a commercial advertising this so called “pajama jean” that’s supposed to be stylish and sexy yet feel like you’re wearing pajamas.

Sexy and stylish? I’m so confused here! These things look like leggings with pockets sewn on the the back. It has a baby blanket soft lining, no buttons or zippers, and a cute boot cut flare. Only thing is, they’re not cute. I didn’t see one flattering rear end in that commercial. It claims to flatter every figure but yet it comes in a 3XL. Hmmm.... Oh! And if you order now you get a free grey crew neck (looks like a hanes undershirt) to complete your new look! Better hurry up and order!!

The commercial says you can go to the store in them, pick up your kids from school in them, and travel with them! Can’t you do that with regular jeans? I mean, all my jeans are comfy or I wouldn’t wear them! The commercial shows a woman with an arched back laying on her bed trying to zip up her regular pair of jeans, grunting and moaning with a big huge button indentation on her belly. That’s a size problem, not a jean problem! I laughed out loud.

Question: Do people really buy these pajama jeans? If so, where in the hell have I been? Oh, and WHY? These are like Mom jean/ sweat pants with a denim fabric- elastic waistband- wha-huh? I just do not get this! OK, so am I missing something here? Is this the hot new twist in fashion? (The commercial said it is, so I’m curious).

However, if someone has ordered this and loves the product than I’m happy for you and I want you to come over to my house wearing them so I can see this amazing product for myself!

No really, if this is a product that is seriously taking off than I really need to watch more commercials so I can be more fashion forward!! Or perhaps I could design a slipper stiletto and make my millions...

www.pajamajeans.com Enjoy.

The Minnesota Meltdown

Just a little "vent" I wrote about Winter, particularly that of a Minnesota one. The never-ending, I'm freezing my ass off, please light a fire and sit me on top of it type of coldness that chills my bones when the winter air lays itself on my world gets me a little bit itching for Summer, right about NOW. Happens every December....I'm already OVER IT :)

Minnesota Meltdown

Oh how graceful the snow does fall
Ice melts on my tongue as I catch them all,
I breathe in the wild Winter’s air
as crystal white stars drop onto my hair.

Blankets of white silk drape across the land
renewing the earth and freezing the sand
Cold white frosting drips from the trees,
Snow angels slide from hands to knees.

The dark sky twinkles with shivering light
A moon hangs low in a star lit night
It’s peaceful and sweet without demand,
Oh how I love this Winter Wonderland....



I’m freezing now and my toes are numb,
I live in Minnesota, man am I dumb!
I don’t have money for damn snow boots,
and I can’t walk in no damn snow suit!

I want my sunshine! Come back to me!
This snow white skin is not hap-py
My car seats are cold and my face is dry,
Where the hell is that damn snow plow guy?!

You drivers suck, get out of my lane,
It’s snow, not bullets, that are falling like rain.
Get a sled or get off the highway,
And why the f#*k am I stuck in my driveway?!

I don’t like wool and these mittens are shit,
My toes are ice and their polish is chipped
My neck is cold and the veins are blue,
Wear a turtle neck? No thank you!

My ears are numb, but the muffs look ridick
Where the hell is my de-icer shit?
My hair is big ball of static, don’t touch it!
Take that stocking cap and shove it!

Kidnap me please and take me to Cali,
I want to bask in the sun and smoke in the valley.
I dislike snow skis and ice skates too,
I just want to swim in a pool of bright blue.

Take me away, far far from here,
Let the sun toast my ass and bring me good cheer.
I want to bask in some rays and lay in the sand
F*#k this cold Winter Wonderland!

It’s up and down the mood swing ride
Like a one horse sleigh with a psychotic glide,
I’m laughing, I’m whining, spinning round and round,
A classic victim of the Minnesota Meltdown....

~20 Fa la la la lovely things about Winter~

I’m sitting her with hot cocoa in hand, watching the snow fall softly outside my window. A voice on my answering machine rambles on about a snow emergency while a blast of heat whirs ‘round my feet, and I believe I can officially say, “Winter is here!” Blinding white and coming down like cotton balls, I honestly do find some beauty in the sticky white fluff that clings so gracefully to the trees, of course before it’s been touched and destroyed by muddy tires and dirty exhaust. It’ll be just a matter of time before I’m bitching about it and I contemplate why the hell I live here, but for now, while I’m still feeling the freshness of something new and seeing the silky white blankets lay so innocently across the rooftops, I have decided to look on the sunny side (after all, it will return in forms of blue skies and bright rays)...

OK, so 20 great things about Winter is what I titled this right? (This may take all day, but I’m feeling optimistic)Alright then, here goes:

1.) If it weren't for the icy cold blow of a Winter wind, we could never truly appreciate the warm sweetness of a Summer breeze.

2.) Fuzzy things feel good when it's cold out, such as furry socks and fluffy blankets, bathrobes, and things of that nature.

3.) Ho! Ho! Ho! Who doesn’t like Santa Claus?! Although, I get a little leery when the old guy still wants me to sit on his lap. Hmmm....

4.) Decorating the Christmas tree! Strings of popcorn, the smell of pine, and bright lights...can’t go wrong with that!

5.) Christmas Cookies. I love to bake and Holidays give me all the more reason to :)

6.) Hot chocolate = YUM, throw in some Bailey’s and a little whip cream and I get happy really quick.

7.) Hot bubble baths, simply because they feel much better when it’s cold outside and they turn my ice cubed toes into warm little piggies again.

8.) Shopping!! Christmas is the season for a bargain shopper. Sales galore. My heart just sped up a tad as this excited me deeply. The color red, decorated store windows, shiny shopping bags, holiday make-up lines, cinnamon spice candles, peppermint lotions, oh I just can't wait to get out there!

9.) Which brings me to: The AFTER CHRISTMAS SALES. Yahoo! My fingers danced across the keyboard on this one.

10.) Darkness. Um, let’s see, if I’m trying to look on the bright side of this, I’d say it’s good because we get more sleep? Because we get more use out of our headlights? Because we don’t have to use sunglasses? Whatever, I miss the sunshine and can’t lie.

11.) Paper snowflakes! A sheet of paper and a scissors can make for some mighty fine decorations.

12.) Soul Food. Every time it gets cold out I crave hot comfort food. There’s a certain excitement that comes along with the smell of a pot roast or a hot bowl of chili on a Winter’s night.

13.) The kids think Santa’s elves are watching them! The desire to get Christmas presents is so great for a child that everything they do from now ‘til Christmas is revolved around this one anticipation. They will do everything necessary to ensure they wake up to a bunch of gifts under the tree....“Better brush your teeth, Santa’s watching and he doesn’t give gifts to kids that don’t brush their teeth.” “Take a bath or Santa won’t bring you presents.” “I bet Santa saw you make that mess and now you’re on the naughty list. I bet if you pick up your toys he’ll still bring you those presents. “ White lies are as pure as the white snow right? Gotta love it.

14.) Holiday Parties! Put a bunch of friends and family together, add some food and wine, and no one cares about the ice cold weather outside! Alcohol makes everything better in general, people laugh more, dance more, and overall just seem brighter, so cheers to drinking during the cold shit.

15.) Fire. The smoke and crackle of a real fireplace will always be one of my favorite childhood memories of Winter. I miss this dearly!

16.) Hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks and warm apple pie. These two things are a MUST during the snowy season.

17.) Tall boots. OK so I don’t own a pair of boots actually fit for skiing down a slope, or even for shoveling (but why would I need that?) I’m talking about the sexy high heeled boots that I only allow out in Winter. They’re not “snowman building proof” but they get plenty of playtime on the dance floor.

18.) Wish lists and presents! The joy of giving warms my heart and the anticipation of ripping open a brightly colored package is always a happy thing. I love shopping for presents, wrapping presents, giving presents, and receiving presents.

19.) The smell of the air. I don’t know if anyone notices this like I do, but when the air gets cold, it smells different. Like a wisp of freshly chopped wood, smokey, but crisp. It makes me want to take a deep inhale through my nose and say “Aaaahhhh.” Anyone who knows me has seen me do this on more than one occasion.

20.) Gratefulness. The cold Wintry wind always makes me appreciate the things I have and awakens a fresh gratitude towards my life. While the cold snow blows, I am still warm inside. I have a cozy house with flickering candles and a warm bed to sleep in. I have warm socks on my feet and a steady fire in my heart, so the cold may come and go, but on the inside, it all stays the same.

** Stay tuned, for in a couple weeks I’ll probably write a blog titled “The 20 things I despise about Winter”