It's time to break up. Winter, I am so over you!

Dear Winter,

Although the beginning of our relationship seemed to start off fresh and magical, I’m sad to say my feelings have changed. I remember the way your snow twinkled in the air and swept me off my feet, and how your soft flakes gently caressed my face, but I am now realizing that I was completely delusional during that period of time. Like the snow blowing through the air, love floats; and this love my dear Winter, has taken a high speed tornado track to disappointment and grief.

I know it’s not your fault, you’re just being yourself by dropping ice and sleet in an effort to freeze the land, but I’m afraid my heart has frozen along with it and I just cannot go on. You have turned me into a cold hearted woman these past few days and I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel (although if I did, I’d run to that beam of sunshine and let it ravage my body with it’s heat and start a hot and sultry affair right then and there....)

You see my dear Winter, once again you have turned out to be a disguise, a mirage. You paint a pretty picture of frosty innocent snow and glowing fires, but then you piss all over it with your muddy tire flaps and dead end roads. We have a total lack of communication and I’m tired of trying to pound my point into your thick frozen skull. You exhaust my soul. My windshield wipers are mere icicles flapping back and forth, and like the slow tick tock of my heart, I just can’t move past the blurry mess of what we have become...

You and I? We’re so not meant to be. You’re just not hot enough for me. You have turned vicious and cold and you’re taking me down with you. I am my own person damn it and you cannot, and will not change me.. I’m a beach bunny, not an ice princess and you’ll never change that. It’s like we live in two different worlds and neither one of us can compromise. So take you’re cute little snowmen and you’re mountains of slush and snow and get the hell out of my life. I don’t want to see you attempt to fix this with your damn snow plows or fancy little colored lights strung all over the land. Because in the end? I’m just not putting up with your drama anymore. What started off soft and sweet always turns rough and sour at the end with you and so I’m not falling for you ever again. This is it. This is me kissing your frozen ass good-bye.

Fa-la-la-la-la-la
Ta-ta Ta-ta :-)

Me

Pajama Jeans: The new craze or totally crazy?

I cannot even believe I just watched a commercial advertising this so called “pajama jean” that’s supposed to be stylish and sexy yet feel like you’re wearing pajamas.

Sexy and stylish? I’m so confused here! These things look like leggings with pockets sewn on the the back. It has a baby blanket soft lining, no buttons or zippers, and a cute boot cut flare. Only thing is, they’re not cute. I didn’t see one flattering rear end in that commercial. It claims to flatter every figure but yet it comes in a 3XL. Hmmm.... Oh! And if you order now you get a free grey crew neck (looks like a hanes undershirt) to complete your new look! Better hurry up and order!!

The commercial says you can go to the store in them, pick up your kids from school in them, and travel with them! Can’t you do that with regular jeans? I mean, all my jeans are comfy or I wouldn’t wear them! The commercial shows a woman with an arched back laying on her bed trying to zip up her regular pair of jeans, grunting and moaning with a big huge button indentation on her belly. That’s a size problem, not a jean problem! I laughed out loud.

Question: Do people really buy these pajama jeans? If so, where in the hell have I been? Oh, and WHY? These are like Mom jean/ sweat pants with a denim fabric- elastic waistband- wha-huh? I just do not get this! OK, so am I missing something here? Is this the hot new twist in fashion? (The commercial said it is, so I’m curious).

However, if someone has ordered this and loves the product than I’m happy for you and I want you to come over to my house wearing them so I can see this amazing product for myself!

No really, if this is a product that is seriously taking off than I really need to watch more commercials so I can be more fashion forward!! Or perhaps I could design a slipper stiletto and make my millions...

www.pajamajeans.com Enjoy.

The Minnesota Meltdown

Just a little "vent" I wrote about Winter, particularly that of a Minnesota one. The never-ending, I'm freezing my ass off, please light a fire and sit me on top of it type of coldness that chills my bones when the winter air lays itself on my world gets me a little bit itching for Summer, right about NOW. Happens every December....I'm already OVER IT :)

Minnesota Meltdown

Oh how graceful the snow does fall
Ice melts on my tongue as I catch them all,
I breathe in the wild Winter’s air
as crystal white stars drop onto my hair.

Blankets of white silk drape across the land
renewing the earth and freezing the sand
Cold white frosting drips from the trees,
Snow angels slide from hands to knees.

The dark sky twinkles with shivering light
A moon hangs low in a star lit night
It’s peaceful and sweet without demand,
Oh how I love this Winter Wonderland....



I’m freezing now and my toes are numb,
I live in Minnesota, man am I dumb!
I don’t have money for damn snow boots,
and I can’t walk in no damn snow suit!

I want my sunshine! Come back to me!
This snow white skin is not hap-py
My car seats are cold and my face is dry,
Where the hell is that damn snow plow guy?!

You drivers suck, get out of my lane,
It’s snow, not bullets, that are falling like rain.
Get a sled or get off the highway,
And why the f#*k am I stuck in my driveway?!

I don’t like wool and these mittens are shit,
My toes are ice and their polish is chipped
My neck is cold and the veins are blue,
Wear a turtle neck? No thank you!

My ears are numb, but the muffs look ridick
Where the hell is my de-icer shit?
My hair is big ball of static, don’t touch it!
Take that stocking cap and shove it!

Kidnap me please and take me to Cali,
I want to bask in the sun and smoke in the valley.
I dislike snow skis and ice skates too,
I just want to swim in a pool of bright blue.

Take me away, far far from here,
Let the sun toast my ass and bring me good cheer.
I want to bask in some rays and lay in the sand
F*#k this cold Winter Wonderland!

It’s up and down the mood swing ride
Like a one horse sleigh with a psychotic glide,
I’m laughing, I’m whining, spinning round and round,
A classic victim of the Minnesota Meltdown....

~20 Fa la la la lovely things about Winter~

I’m sitting her with hot cocoa in hand, watching the snow fall softly outside my window. A voice on my answering machine rambles on about a snow emergency while a blast of heat whirs ‘round my feet, and I believe I can officially say, “Winter is here!” Blinding white and coming down like cotton balls, I honestly do find some beauty in the sticky white fluff that clings so gracefully to the trees, of course before it’s been touched and destroyed by muddy tires and dirty exhaust. It’ll be just a matter of time before I’m bitching about it and I contemplate why the hell I live here, but for now, while I’m still feeling the freshness of something new and seeing the silky white blankets lay so innocently across the rooftops, I have decided to look on the sunny side (after all, it will return in forms of blue skies and bright rays)...

OK, so 20 great things about Winter is what I titled this right? (This may take all day, but I’m feeling optimistic)Alright then, here goes:

1.) If it weren't for the icy cold blow of a Winter wind, we could never truly appreciate the warm sweetness of a Summer breeze.

2.) Fuzzy things feel good when it's cold out, such as furry socks and fluffy blankets, bathrobes, and things of that nature.

3.) Ho! Ho! Ho! Who doesn’t like Santa Claus?! Although, I get a little leery when the old guy still wants me to sit on his lap. Hmmm....

4.) Decorating the Christmas tree! Strings of popcorn, the smell of pine, and bright lights...can’t go wrong with that!

5.) Christmas Cookies. I love to bake and Holidays give me all the more reason to :)

6.) Hot chocolate = YUM, throw in some Bailey’s and a little whip cream and I get happy really quick.

7.) Hot bubble baths, simply because they feel much better when it’s cold outside and they turn my ice cubed toes into warm little piggies again.

8.) Shopping!! Christmas is the season for a bargain shopper. Sales galore. My heart just sped up a tad as this excited me deeply. The color red, decorated store windows, shiny shopping bags, holiday make-up lines, cinnamon spice candles, peppermint lotions, oh I just can't wait to get out there!

9.) Which brings me to: The AFTER CHRISTMAS SALES. Yahoo! My fingers danced across the keyboard on this one.

10.) Darkness. Um, let’s see, if I’m trying to look on the bright side of this, I’d say it’s good because we get more sleep? Because we get more use out of our headlights? Because we don’t have to use sunglasses? Whatever, I miss the sunshine and can’t lie.

11.) Paper snowflakes! A sheet of paper and a scissors can make for some mighty fine decorations.

12.) Soul Food. Every time it gets cold out I crave hot comfort food. There’s a certain excitement that comes along with the smell of a pot roast or a hot bowl of chili on a Winter’s night.

13.) The kids think Santa’s elves are watching them! The desire to get Christmas presents is so great for a child that everything they do from now ‘til Christmas is revolved around this one anticipation. They will do everything necessary to ensure they wake up to a bunch of gifts under the tree....“Better brush your teeth, Santa’s watching and he doesn’t give gifts to kids that don’t brush their teeth.” “Take a bath or Santa won’t bring you presents.” “I bet Santa saw you make that mess and now you’re on the naughty list. I bet if you pick up your toys he’ll still bring you those presents. “ White lies are as pure as the white snow right? Gotta love it.

14.) Holiday Parties! Put a bunch of friends and family together, add some food and wine, and no one cares about the ice cold weather outside! Alcohol makes everything better in general, people laugh more, dance more, and overall just seem brighter, so cheers to drinking during the cold shit.

15.) Fire. The smoke and crackle of a real fireplace will always be one of my favorite childhood memories of Winter. I miss this dearly!

16.) Hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks and warm apple pie. These two things are a MUST during the snowy season.

17.) Tall boots. OK so I don’t own a pair of boots actually fit for skiing down a slope, or even for shoveling (but why would I need that?) I’m talking about the sexy high heeled boots that I only allow out in Winter. They’re not “snowman building proof” but they get plenty of playtime on the dance floor.

18.) Wish lists and presents! The joy of giving warms my heart and the anticipation of ripping open a brightly colored package is always a happy thing. I love shopping for presents, wrapping presents, giving presents, and receiving presents.

19.) The smell of the air. I don’t know if anyone notices this like I do, but when the air gets cold, it smells different. Like a wisp of freshly chopped wood, smokey, but crisp. It makes me want to take a deep inhale through my nose and say “Aaaahhhh.” Anyone who knows me has seen me do this on more than one occasion.

20.) Gratefulness. The cold Wintry wind always makes me appreciate the things I have and awakens a fresh gratitude towards my life. While the cold snow blows, I am still warm inside. I have a cozy house with flickering candles and a warm bed to sleep in. I have warm socks on my feet and a steady fire in my heart, so the cold may come and go, but on the inside, it all stays the same.

** Stay tuned, for in a couple weeks I’ll probably write a blog titled “The 20 things I despise about Winter”

Oh look! A new skincare line! JUST what the world needs....

OMG every time I turn around, someone is coming up with the next best line of skincare and honey, I am oVer it! Cindy Crawford and Heidi Klum, you know I love you, but really? You had perfect skin before you came up with the skincare lines that are popping up on HSN and shining on the infomercials. Just admit that someone agreed to pay you massive amounts of $$ to say that “this” is the product that makes you gorgeous. And enough with the reality starts suddenly acting like they’ve come up with the perfect solution to erase wrinkles and fade age spots. I call BULLSHIT. And you Kardashian sisters? You claim to have lost weight with a certain “pill” suddenly and you know that your body image on the bottle is totally photo-shopped to perfection. Do you think I don’t see your badonka-donk in US weekly? (which, by the way Kim and Khloe, looks just fine in my opinion). Oh, and KIM? I watch your show; I saw that you had Botox, so this so called “perfect skin” line you are now selling? Um….does it come with needles? I love you girls, don’t get me wrong, but enough already! Yes, I heard that you now have a Kardashian pre-paid credit card as well, but honey, I am not buying’ it….

YES. I too want to look young and fabulous and I want the skin of a 20 year old, but let’s face the facts…it just isn’t going to happen. I am a fool. I have purchased multiple lines of skincare that claim they’re “better than Botox” and can give me glowing silky skin in a bottle. Guess what? They don’t work and I’m sick of being suckered! There is not a bottle in the world than can bring back your youth (even though it was called, youth in a bottle). I tried creams, lotions, serums, masks—you name it and it has been on my face. Hydroxatone was the new hype in magazines and TV, so I bought it of course. Save your $$. You’re welcome. Oh, and the whole dremu oil craze that comes from the flightless bird the emu? I bought that too, and it left my skin greasier than a pan of bacon. Of course I did ProActive…well duh all the stars use it so it MUST work. It doesn’t. Actually, it GAVE me acne. I went so far as getting laser treatments on my face and guess what? Nothing changed except the fact my face felt like it got sucked up by a vacuum of fire and I threw $2000 down the toilet. I am DONE. I am going to drink tons of water, which is free, and wear my damn sunscreen to savor the clear skin I have left and I am going to put all the money I spend on these stupid skincare lines into a big old jar that says “Botox Fund” and call it a day.

Chocolate Looooove

Chocolate Loooove

Obviously my love for chocolate goes without saying, but since it is “National Chocolate Day” I decided to do a little research on the benefits of consuming this fabulous piece of melted heaven. By the way I did acknowledge this holiday by indulging on: Reese Peanut butter cups, M&Ms (plain and peanut), Twix bar, whoppers, a Hershey’s bar, and a good old cup of hot chocolate. Ok, so I eat that much chocolate every day…but whatever, as I was saying, the benefits are:

1.) It tastes good, so it makes people happy.
2.) It lowers blood pressure (probably because it tastes good, therefore relaxing the mind)
3.) It lowers cholesterol (by 10%)
4.) It stimulates endorphin production, which gives a feeling of pleasure. Chocolate body paints anyone?
5.) It contains serotonin, which can be an anti-depressant (probably because it tastes good, so it makes you happy)
6.) It contains caffeine for that extra “lift” during the day.
7.) Chocolate could melt a girls heart and say “I love you” without speaking a word (well, for me anyway)
8.) It tastes really good when you’re pissed off because eating it makes you feel better.
9.) It tastes really good if you’re happy, it can at times be euphoric.
10.) It makes life worth living on the days when you just want to say f*#k it.

Ok, so never mind the fact that they say to only have dark chocolate and to skip the nougat and avoid the milk, because, well, that’s just taking the fun out of it. I would live in a candy house with chocolate walls and a whipped cream roof if I could. I am whole heartedly, without a doubt, a chocolate lover. Oop- my fudge is ready for my ice cream now, gotta run…

For the love of pumpkins....

Every time the colors begin to change on the trees I start to crave pumpkin! Since I love to bake, I thought I’d share a few of my favorite recipes for you fellow pumpkin lovers. Every year, certain things MUST be made and here are a few:

Chocolate Lover’s Pumpkin Bread

½ c. butter ½ tsp. salt
1 c. sugar ½ tsp. nutmeg
2 eggs ½ tsp. ginger
¾ c. canned pumpkin ½ tsp. cloves
1 ¾ c. flour ¾ c. chocolate chips
1 tsp. soda ¾ c. walnuts, chopped (if you feel like a nut, cuz sometimes I don’t)
1 tsp. cinnamon
Set oven to 350.

Cream the butter, sugar, and eggs. Add the pumpkin. Add the dry ingredients, chocolate chips, and nuts (if you desire). Put it into a greased loaf pan and bake for 45 minutes to an hour.
** Put some butter on it while it’s warm and your mouth will have an orgasmic explosion of chocolicous pumpkin that is fan-frickin-tastic.

Gingered Pumpkin Soup
(Yes, pumpkin soup is delicious….and so easy to make)

1 tbsp. butter
2 15- ounce cans pumpkin
2 14- ounce cans chicken broth
1 cup half and half
¼ cup maple syrup
2 tsp. grated fresh ginger (or ¼ tsp. ground ginger if you’re lazy)
Salt
Ground black pepper
Brown sugar (optional, but I love)

In a large Saucepan melt the butter over medium heat. Stir in pumpkin, broth, half-and-half, syrup, and ginger. Bring to a boil for a second or two. Season and garnish as you wish. This tastes really good if you’re under a furry blanket and watching Sex and the City re-runs FYI.

Pumpkin Cheesecake to-die-for

2 pkg. PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, softened
½ cup canned pumpkin
½ cup sugar
½ tsp. vanilla
½ tsp. ground cinnamon
Dash of cloves
Dash of nutmeg
2 eggs
1 HONEY MAID Pie Crust (6 oz)
Real whipped cream (or use cool whip if you’re lazy)

Preheat oven to 350.

Beat cream cheese, pumpkin, sugar, vanilla, and spices in lrg. bowl with electric mixer on medium speed until blended. Add eggs and beat until blended.
POUR into crust.

Bake 40 min. or until the center is almost set. Cool. Refrigerate 3 hrs. or so. Top with whipped cream—lots of it of course. I like to whip my cream and add a 1/3 or more cup of confectioners’ sugar, or sprinkle in some brown sugar and a dab of vanilla. OMG it’s so good I must make this soon!