Yup. I’m the crazy girl who went and bought a Mother’s Day card even though her Mom is passed away. I didn’t do it because I forgot that she died, so I guess I could be even crazier. I did it because I wanted to. I felt better after doing it so it can only be a good thing.
All month long it felt like I was bombarded with “deals” catering towards MOM and what I am to buy that special mother in my life. I got hundreds of emails from local spas, beauty shops, Godiva chocolates and they’re over priced decadent red boxes, from jewelry stores to bakeries, all the damn coupons for Kohls, Herbergers, Macys, and every other store on the face of the planet all boasting MOM MOM MOM. BUY BUY BUY. STAB STAB STAB.
You can’t turn your head down an aisle in Target without seeing signs or balloons screaming Mother’s Day at you and damn it... I want a Mom that I can see not just feel, but whatever presence I get will have to do because her feet no longer make prints on this earth, even though they float through my house daily (this I know) and she tip toes all over my dreams at night (yes it is possible to have full conversations with the dead in a subconscious state of mind). I want to pick up a phone and call her. I want her voice. I want her back in the physical world and that is not going to happen. It sucks and that’s it. Happy Mother’s Day isn’t as happy as I would like this year.
So this card aisle in Target has been beckoning me to invade it for weeks now and purchase a card for my Mom in celebration of Mother’s Day. Quite frankly I was tired of the whole mind debate over whether buying a card would then depict me as clinically insane or whether one may see it as mental/grieving therapy shit. I opted for the latter and perused the Mother’s day card section today. It took a very very long time (well maybe 20 minutes or so) to find a card that was somewhat appropriate for the departed mother. It was not easy! They really need a “trying to get over the loss of a mother during mother’s day” card section. There is none. Yes there is a need (hence ME). I could literally feel my Mom’s spirit peek behind my shoulder as I browsed. I could feel her softly giggle/sigh about it, doing that rolling of her eyes thing (but not really rolling them because she never wanted to be rude so she would sort of close them and roll them under her lids discretely and then open her eyes again). Then she’d say “Oh Melanie...” I know she’s getting a kick out of this which in part is why I did it.
I finally found a card that made me laugh. A photo of little girl purchasing a pair of designer shoes for 50% off and saying “Thanks Mom you taught me well!” This is true. Past, present, future, whatever. I can always thank my Mom for passing down her love to shop! I picked it up and bought it. Now I’m going to write it out. Yes I am. I am going to write this card to my Mom because I KNOW she will see it because she’s still around. I want her to know she will always be a part of my life and will never be forgotten. She will always be worthy of thanks and always be deserving of a Mother’s Day card even if her hands can’t hold it. I will lay it open on my night stand until this weekend passes and hope her eyes can see it. I know they will.
So I’m not fit for the loony bin just yet. I’m simply trying to let her know that I will always be a proud and thankful daughter who will take the time to cherish her memory. I will always have a place in my heart that will feel her love because dead or alive you never stop needing and appreciating your Mother and your Mother never really leaves you either. She just switches forms. That's it.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
The real life Barbie Doll. I can't believe this!
I honestly thought someone had made a really large Barbie doll and was taking photos of it so I never really clicked on the articles that followed until today. Then I became obsessed. How can this be? How can she look so much like a freakin’ Barbie doll? This is crazy! Even if she had a ton of surgeries, how does one actually accomplish this? Did she go to the plastic surgeon with all the calculations of hip, breast, and waist measurements to be translated from barbie to human form and say “create this?” I look at the photos and I’m not going to lie...my jaw dropped. I could not believe this was an actual human being!
Her skin looks like porcelain. Every part of her body looks airbrushed. Her breasts are exactly like a Barbie dolls. Were her ribs removed? Are her eyeballs made of painted glass? How can she see then? Her eyes are designed just like Barbie’s. This shit is crazy to me. Were her nipples removed like Barbie’s? I don’t even want to think about her vagina. Did she get her hips extended? Do they make hip implants? How does her waist get so tiny? Does she eat at all?! She seems to be obsessed with fulfilling her dream of becoming a Barbie doll. If you google her name over 10,000 pictures will pop up so she definitely has her vanity intact. I still cannot believe this is a real person!
People obviously have their opinions and question her mental stability as well as call her names like freaky and insane, but I have to say (besides the fact that she may be risking her health to accomplish this look), the girl doesn’t lack in determination. How many people would spend that much money to accomplish this? Her recovery time from surgery as well as the risks along this journey did not stop her. She wanted to be a Barbie doll and she IS the closest living form of the doll I have ever seen. There is no denying that every photo of her gets a double take and a WOW. I have never seen anything like it. I will say it one last time and then I am done obsessing: I can’t believe this is a real person!
I wonder what she looks like when she smiles though? I bet she’ll get the teeth done next, or rather one big connected piece of white porcelain.... I wonder if she’ll get her feet permanently arched like Barbies. Does she have a pink car? Would she make her boyfriend turn into Ken Doll ? Ugh. It never ends!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Earth Day! The easiest way to reduce your carbon footprint...
Earth Day is every day. We should be trying to reduce our carbon footprint and do our part to preserve the resources on our planet every day. The choices we make greatly contribute to the well being of this world OR help to destroy our environment every day.
Most people are unaware of the irreversible damage the factory farming industry has on our environment. On my journey to no longer partake in the unethical treatment of animals by becoming a vegetarian I am also choosing to help preserve the planet’s resources. Here are a few facts that you may find shocking:
Livestock farming is responsible for vast amounts of greenhouse gas emissions. A staggering 18-20% of these emissions come from the farming of animals. The world’s entire transportation system including planes, trains, and automobiles is responsible for 13%.
The #1 source of methane gas is agriculture. Methane is 23 times more powerful than greenhouse gas and animal agriculture produces more than 100 million tons of methane a year.
The release of carbon dioxide, nitrous oxide and methane are making our climate change and raising animals is the largest source of these emissions!
Over 30% of our land mass is used for grazing animals and almost half of our water supply goes to factory farming. Growing crops for these animals to be fattened and then killed requires nearly half of our water supply and 80% of our agricultural land. This puts a huge strain on our water supply!
One pound of potatoes takes 99.6% less water to produce than a pound of beef. It sickens me how much water is wasted to raise an animal only to kill it. Why wouldn’t we just eat the crops directly?! Wasting our resources to satisfy our palate just doesn’t seem right.
If you gave up eating beef you would save over 300,000 gallons of water a year which is way more than you would save if you didn’t shower for an entire year. Crazy but true.
Animals eat way more food than the meat that they can produce and doing this requires way more land than crops. It takes 16 pounds of grain to produce a single pound of meat and they eat over 70% of all the grain we produce. They are like backwards food factories as well. It is such a waste to go through all that when we could use our land to grow vegetables that WE can eat directly and skip the whole over feeding and murdering process of the animal! Duh.
Oh and even if they are grass fed which many see as the healthier choice of meat, this takes even MORE land per unit of meat. Animal farming is a waste of land plain and simple. There are over one billion head of cattle on this planet weighing twice as much as the human population!
If the entire world ate like the meat obsessed U.S. people do our petroleum resources would be depleted in less than 11 years. If we switched to a mostly vegetarian country we could cut our oil imports by about 60%.
The demand for meat is so ridiculously out of control (it has tripled since 1960) that land is in great demand leading to the destruction of beautiful rainforests and wilderness. Over 70% of amazon rainforests is now used for grazing animals. The burning of these forests exudes millions of toxins and carbon dioxide into our air and is destroying our atmosphere! Not to mention the thousands of creatures that are becoming extinct due to the loss of their environment.
There is so much livestock in this country that they produce over 250,000 pounds of waste per SECOND. No shit. That’s 20 times as much a humans. This waste gets washed into our rivers and lakes because there are no sewage systems. This waste is filled with nitrates,bacteria, ammonia,etc. and kills plant and animal life continuously. The meat industry is responsible for three times as much harmful waste as all the other industries in the U.S. combined. WOW.
By choosing to no longer eat animals you will effectively reduce your carbon footprint, even more than if you drove a hybrid according to a recent study done at Chicago University.
Every conversation about about global warming should be based around switching to a vegetarian diet because there is nothing more harmful to our environment than eating animals.
Save lives. Save the planet. Choose to eat for a healthier world and keep our earth happy!
Most people are unaware of the irreversible damage the factory farming industry has on our environment. On my journey to no longer partake in the unethical treatment of animals by becoming a vegetarian I am also choosing to help preserve the planet’s resources. Here are a few facts that you may find shocking:
Livestock farming is responsible for vast amounts of greenhouse gas emissions. A staggering 18-20% of these emissions come from the farming of animals. The world’s entire transportation system including planes, trains, and automobiles is responsible for 13%.
The #1 source of methane gas is agriculture. Methane is 23 times more powerful than greenhouse gas and animal agriculture produces more than 100 million tons of methane a year.
The release of carbon dioxide, nitrous oxide and methane are making our climate change and raising animals is the largest source of these emissions!
Over 30% of our land mass is used for grazing animals and almost half of our water supply goes to factory farming. Growing crops for these animals to be fattened and then killed requires nearly half of our water supply and 80% of our agricultural land. This puts a huge strain on our water supply!
One pound of potatoes takes 99.6% less water to produce than a pound of beef. It sickens me how much water is wasted to raise an animal only to kill it. Why wouldn’t we just eat the crops directly?! Wasting our resources to satisfy our palate just doesn’t seem right.
If you gave up eating beef you would save over 300,000 gallons of water a year which is way more than you would save if you didn’t shower for an entire year. Crazy but true.
Animals eat way more food than the meat that they can produce and doing this requires way more land than crops. It takes 16 pounds of grain to produce a single pound of meat and they eat over 70% of all the grain we produce. They are like backwards food factories as well. It is such a waste to go through all that when we could use our land to grow vegetables that WE can eat directly and skip the whole over feeding and murdering process of the animal! Duh.
Oh and even if they are grass fed which many see as the healthier choice of meat, this takes even MORE land per unit of meat. Animal farming is a waste of land plain and simple. There are over one billion head of cattle on this planet weighing twice as much as the human population!
If the entire world ate like the meat obsessed U.S. people do our petroleum resources would be depleted in less than 11 years. If we switched to a mostly vegetarian country we could cut our oil imports by about 60%.
The demand for meat is so ridiculously out of control (it has tripled since 1960) that land is in great demand leading to the destruction of beautiful rainforests and wilderness. Over 70% of amazon rainforests is now used for grazing animals. The burning of these forests exudes millions of toxins and carbon dioxide into our air and is destroying our atmosphere! Not to mention the thousands of creatures that are becoming extinct due to the loss of their environment.
There is so much livestock in this country that they produce over 250,000 pounds of waste per SECOND. No shit. That’s 20 times as much a humans. This waste gets washed into our rivers and lakes because there are no sewage systems. This waste is filled with nitrates,bacteria, ammonia,etc. and kills plant and animal life continuously. The meat industry is responsible for three times as much harmful waste as all the other industries in the U.S. combined. WOW.
By choosing to no longer eat animals you will effectively reduce your carbon footprint, even more than if you drove a hybrid according to a recent study done at Chicago University.
Every conversation about about global warming should be based around switching to a vegetarian diet because there is nothing more harmful to our environment than eating animals.
Save lives. Save the planet. Choose to eat for a healthier world and keep our earth happy!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
"So how do you get your protein?"
When stating that I no longer choose to eat animals, an obligatory response from the carnivores of the world is to look at me and inquire with a puzzled look “So how do you get your protein?” This has become almost comical for a variety of reasons. Here is just the short list:
1.) Have you ever heard of anyone suffering from a protein deficiency? Ever. Of course not. The question gets posed regarding protein as if this is some dire emergency situation--OMG how am I going to get my protein?! ((GASP)) If I don’t eat steak and chicken and turkey will I be protein deficient?!?! This makes me giggle.
2.) Anyone in their right mind would know that the dairy and meat industries in this country have done a fine job through use of manipulative advertising and backwards food pyramids to warp the minds of every being on the planet into believing that without eggs, milk, and animal products we will somehow have an inadequate amount of protein in our diets. This is one of the most well orchestrated deceptions told to the American public. I am educated so I know this is inaccurate and it’s just another means to make more money through the use of false information.
3.) I always want to respond by saying a statement like “Why do you care?!” Or “How do you get your anti-inflammatories?” <----which would sound as dumb to them as the protein question does to me.
Why are meat eaters so fricking obsessed with protein anyway? And why do people think that meat is the only thing that has protein in it?! Nuts, beans, tofu, vegetables, and a variety of other things contain protein and a healthier form of it at that. I shouldn’t have to give some quizzical prick a run down on all my protein rich vegetables and nuts I consume only for them to murmur a “Hmm” response. I don’t have to justify my diet to you although I would love to educate the uninformed carnivores out there and state a few facts such as:
1.) The Western diet contains an almost excessive amount of protein. Too much protein can be harmful and stress out your kidneys and disable your organs from ridding toxins from your body. Perhaps that is why vegetarians have a 60% less chance of heart disease and cardiovascular disease. Not to mention a 50% reduction in the rate of cancer. Also, other countries consume almost 50% less protein than us Americans and are about 70% healthier. They also get the majority of their protein from plants. Think about it.
2.) It has been proven ten times over that we do NOT need that much protein to maintain a healthy diet averaging around .36 grams per pound of body weight. I am not a heavy weight lifter that bases my diet around massive protein consumption so my day does not revolve around how much protein I’m consuming. I don’t think about it because I don’t need to and besides I get more than enough protein in my belly by 8 a.m. every morning by a fabulous vanilla whey protein shake and some organic peanut butter.
3.) The way I get my protein through plants is actually healthier as well because meat has to be cooked prior to consumption. Any idiot knows that up to 50% of protein is lost through this process leaving little to be absorbed during the digestion. My spinach and veggies eaten raw are easily absorbed amino acids and turn into direct energy while maintaining ALL of their beautiful protein. My digestion is easier and my poop is cleaner. Just sayin’
4.) A person would actually have to “try” to become protein deficient on a vegetarian diet. Eating fruits and vegetables and getting enough calories makes it impossible to not get enough protein. Unless you are surviving on beer, sugar, white bread, and processed foods it would be almost impossible to not get adequate protein on a vegetarian diet. People that live in poor countries and have bloated bellies are likely deficient in protein but that is because they are starved in general and lacking most every vital nutrient.
5.) Most people have been lead to think that all nine essential amino acids must be taken into the body through the same food and that since no one fruit or vegetable contains all nine amino acids that the vegetarian diet somehow contains “incomplete” protein consumption. Bullshit. This myth was dismissed in the 70’s and there has never been any proof behind the original theory.
6.) If you look good, feel good, and have adequate energy and a quick recovery time from illness you are likely getting enough protein. Also protein from vegetables doesn’t come with fat, cholesterol, and carcinogens. It’s clean. It’s better for the planet and better for your health.
So all you people who think the only way to get protein is through eating dead animal flesh, think again. Go educate yourself and munch on a bowl of raw broccoli while you do it. That vegetable has twice as much protein as your medium-well slab of steak thank you very much.
1.) Have you ever heard of anyone suffering from a protein deficiency? Ever. Of course not. The question gets posed regarding protein as if this is some dire emergency situation--OMG how am I going to get my protein?! ((GASP)) If I don’t eat steak and chicken and turkey will I be protein deficient?!?! This makes me giggle.
2.) Anyone in their right mind would know that the dairy and meat industries in this country have done a fine job through use of manipulative advertising and backwards food pyramids to warp the minds of every being on the planet into believing that without eggs, milk, and animal products we will somehow have an inadequate amount of protein in our diets. This is one of the most well orchestrated deceptions told to the American public. I am educated so I know this is inaccurate and it’s just another means to make more money through the use of false information.
3.) I always want to respond by saying a statement like “Why do you care?!” Or “How do you get your anti-inflammatories?” <----which would sound as dumb to them as the protein question does to me.
Why are meat eaters so fricking obsessed with protein anyway? And why do people think that meat is the only thing that has protein in it?! Nuts, beans, tofu, vegetables, and a variety of other things contain protein and a healthier form of it at that. I shouldn’t have to give some quizzical prick a run down on all my protein rich vegetables and nuts I consume only for them to murmur a “Hmm” response. I don’t have to justify my diet to you although I would love to educate the uninformed carnivores out there and state a few facts such as:
1.) The Western diet contains an almost excessive amount of protein. Too much protein can be harmful and stress out your kidneys and disable your organs from ridding toxins from your body. Perhaps that is why vegetarians have a 60% less chance of heart disease and cardiovascular disease. Not to mention a 50% reduction in the rate of cancer. Also, other countries consume almost 50% less protein than us Americans and are about 70% healthier. They also get the majority of their protein from plants. Think about it.
2.) It has been proven ten times over that we do NOT need that much protein to maintain a healthy diet averaging around .36 grams per pound of body weight. I am not a heavy weight lifter that bases my diet around massive protein consumption so my day does not revolve around how much protein I’m consuming. I don’t think about it because I don’t need to and besides I get more than enough protein in my belly by 8 a.m. every morning by a fabulous vanilla whey protein shake and some organic peanut butter.
3.) The way I get my protein through plants is actually healthier as well because meat has to be cooked prior to consumption. Any idiot knows that up to 50% of protein is lost through this process leaving little to be absorbed during the digestion. My spinach and veggies eaten raw are easily absorbed amino acids and turn into direct energy while maintaining ALL of their beautiful protein. My digestion is easier and my poop is cleaner. Just sayin’
4.) A person would actually have to “try” to become protein deficient on a vegetarian diet. Eating fruits and vegetables and getting enough calories makes it impossible to not get enough protein. Unless you are surviving on beer, sugar, white bread, and processed foods it would be almost impossible to not get adequate protein on a vegetarian diet. People that live in poor countries and have bloated bellies are likely deficient in protein but that is because they are starved in general and lacking most every vital nutrient.
5.) Most people have been lead to think that all nine essential amino acids must be taken into the body through the same food and that since no one fruit or vegetable contains all nine amino acids that the vegetarian diet somehow contains “incomplete” protein consumption. Bullshit. This myth was dismissed in the 70’s and there has never been any proof behind the original theory.
6.) If you look good, feel good, and have adequate energy and a quick recovery time from illness you are likely getting enough protein. Also protein from vegetables doesn’t come with fat, cholesterol, and carcinogens. It’s clean. It’s better for the planet and better for your health.
So all you people who think the only way to get protein is through eating dead animal flesh, think again. Go educate yourself and munch on a bowl of raw broccoli while you do it. That vegetable has twice as much protein as your medium-well slab of steak thank you very much.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Shopping has pissed me off.
Obviously it’s no secret that I love to shop. Most stores feel like second homes to me and I could seriously browse all day oohing and aahing over the latest handbags, necklaces, and jeans. But today? Well today just pissed me off.
FIRST of all (and this is my main pet peeve of the day) ladies: You need to STOP dragging your men to shop with you! I’ve said it before but SERIOUSLY, having some dude hang on to the end of the clothing rack that I’m trying to rifle through while looking like a half open eyed luring weird-o is uncomfortable for everyone. Stop it.
So all I wanted to do was find a few cute outfits for Vegas. Party tops. Skinny jeans. New earrings. Something bright and fun. Club stuff. This would normally be an easy task but literally nothing worked today. Nothing. All of the tops I tried on were either too baggy at the hips, too low in the neck (on a positive note I did realize that the only tops that look decent on me are “V” necks) or too expensive. Hello? I’m not going to pay $100 for a piece of cloth, especially if it’s mostly cotton. That’s BS. Also, my main reason why none of the shirts were a hit for me can be summed up in 2 words: NO BOOBS.
*ugh it just pisses me off that I’m a member of the itty bitty titty committee. I’m over it!
Ok so then I was in this dressing room trying on jeans. I was even trying on jeans that cost entirely too much money but after 2 hours I was getting aggravated so I was willing to splurge for something hot enough. First off, the lighting accentuated every f’ing pore on my face and I realized that I now have eyebrow wrinkles (I actually thought it was a piece of hair in my face and kept trying to wipe it off until I realized this was actually a permanent line on my face) I couldn’t get passed the fact that I am aging. My mood went sour.
Even worse was the fact that my stretch marks are no longer just marks, they are like a never ending maze, a map to never never land leading around in every direction to where I had to use the 3-way mirror just to inspect what in the hell has happened here. I no longer cared about not finding the perfect bikini for Vegas for there will be no bikini wearing. Oh no. All my time will be spent at the bar drinking away my “stress marks.” That’s exactly what they are doing to me.
Oh and the jeans didn’t fit either because all of the jeans today were either too tall in the waist or the butt didn’t look right or the length was off. I blame the mirror for turning my mood to shit so this may have effected my overall opinion of every item of clothes that I tried on after that...
So. Eight different stores, 15 pairs of jeans, 12 tops, and I found nothing. Without finding any clothes I couldn’t move on to accessories. The only thing I came home with was underwear for my husband. Men’s underwear is expensive by the way!
I have less than 10 days to figure out this clothing dilemma. I probably shouldn’t be inhaling jelly beans like they’re popcorn right now or bitching via blog.
I should be shopping online...
FIRST of all (and this is my main pet peeve of the day) ladies: You need to STOP dragging your men to shop with you! I’ve said it before but SERIOUSLY, having some dude hang on to the end of the clothing rack that I’m trying to rifle through while looking like a half open eyed luring weird-o is uncomfortable for everyone. Stop it.
So all I wanted to do was find a few cute outfits for Vegas. Party tops. Skinny jeans. New earrings. Something bright and fun. Club stuff. This would normally be an easy task but literally nothing worked today. Nothing. All of the tops I tried on were either too baggy at the hips, too low in the neck (on a positive note I did realize that the only tops that look decent on me are “V” necks) or too expensive. Hello? I’m not going to pay $100 for a piece of cloth, especially if it’s mostly cotton. That’s BS. Also, my main reason why none of the shirts were a hit for me can be summed up in 2 words: NO BOOBS.
*ugh it just pisses me off that I’m a member of the itty bitty titty committee. I’m over it!
Ok so then I was in this dressing room trying on jeans. I was even trying on jeans that cost entirely too much money but after 2 hours I was getting aggravated so I was willing to splurge for something hot enough. First off, the lighting accentuated every f’ing pore on my face and I realized that I now have eyebrow wrinkles (I actually thought it was a piece of hair in my face and kept trying to wipe it off until I realized this was actually a permanent line on my face) I couldn’t get passed the fact that I am aging. My mood went sour.
Even worse was the fact that my stretch marks are no longer just marks, they are like a never ending maze, a map to never never land leading around in every direction to where I had to use the 3-way mirror just to inspect what in the hell has happened here. I no longer cared about not finding the perfect bikini for Vegas for there will be no bikini wearing. Oh no. All my time will be spent at the bar drinking away my “stress marks.” That’s exactly what they are doing to me.
Oh and the jeans didn’t fit either because all of the jeans today were either too tall in the waist or the butt didn’t look right or the length was off. I blame the mirror for turning my mood to shit so this may have effected my overall opinion of every item of clothes that I tried on after that...
So. Eight different stores, 15 pairs of jeans, 12 tops, and I found nothing. Without finding any clothes I couldn’t move on to accessories. The only thing I came home with was underwear for my husband. Men’s underwear is expensive by the way!
I have less than 10 days to figure out this clothing dilemma. I probably shouldn’t be inhaling jelly beans like they’re popcorn right now or bitching via blog.
I should be shopping online...
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Trying to break the sugar fix~~~~
SUGAR. It is my #1 crutch besides my shoe fetish. I was born with a sweet tooth and CRAVE it every day of my life. Chocolate, pastries, ice cream, whip cream, you name it. I want it.
In an attempt to kick this sugar frenzy I have read a book called “THE CRAVING CURE” This book promised to break the hold on sweets and cure the sugar addiction I have. I have now finished the book and am enjoying my 2nd bowl of ice cream as I type this... I’m pissed and I want my money back, but I think I realized what the problem is NOT.
There were some strong suggestions in this book and I tried them all. I have done the breathing exercises and the meditations. I have read every page and I get where the author is coming from, but I don’t have all the problems that this book suggests. I am not fat by any means and am not attempting to “diet” or “lose weight” here. I just want to minimize the sugar intake in my life for health purposes because I know the horrific damage that sugar can do to the body and let’s face it sugar is the devil. Refined sugar is extremely acidic to a lethal degree. Yes sugar is a drug. It alters your mind, your physiology, and your health in general. It is a low grade poison. In know this. I still crave it. Crazy as it sounds.
This book says perhaps I don’t “love” myself and suggests I take out a piece of paper and interview myself writing down my good qualities. Honey, I could write a book on my good attributes so I hardly had time for that. I am my own best friend and I luuuurve myself to pieces. I just don’t love myself when I am on my 9th Godiva chocolate in a 5 minute time span. Next chapter...
Identifying emotional eating. Hmm....aren’t we always feeling some sort of emotion? It says if we eat when we’re happy and eat when we’re sad than we are an emotional eater. WTH? I’m happy 95% of the time. I am happy with every bite I take of any food because I’m a happy person! Unless I eat during my sleep, I will be feeling some sort of an emotion. When I’m happy I do not eat more or less, and when I’m pissed I usually drink it away with booze and laugh my misery away. So I don’t have that problem.
Getting in touch with your inner self. No this does not mean masturbating. This is about thinking and deciding where your desire to eat sweets come from. What are you feeling when you reach for something sweet? Which voice dominates your thoughts? Does this stress you out? Do you try to talk yourself out of it? Why? How do you feel after you eat it? I’m to write all this down every time I want to eat anything sugary. I am to then dig within and find my inner wisdom to make the correct decision. Um. If I carried a notebook around with me and went through this questionnaire every time a co-worker brought me a croissant they’d look at me like I was nuts. Besides, I am in touch with myself in more ways than one and I still want the mocha flavored blended frappe with whip cream to which I will inhale through a straw until I’m blue in the face.
There were 16 different breathing exercises in one chapter. Very relaxing. I felt great after them. I still craved sugar the next day. I can’t be meditating all throughout the damn day people.
Then came this whole diet section of the book. It began with a 2 week mega-nutrition cleanse. Liquids only. You could only have fresh raw vegetable juices. Where does one even find dandelion root? Should I really be drinking garlic and cilantro in the morning? Major bowel explosions were expected to happen. Um. I have a life here. A job. I do actually leave my house. I do not want to spend unpredictable hours on the toilet thank you. I do not want to purchase a $1200 juicer either. The next part of this diet involved eating meat and I’m a vegetarian. Besides I do not want to change any other part of my very healthy diet in order to kick this sugar craze. I just wish to no longer love donuts and candy like a 4 yr. old kid.
I am not angry. I do not have daddy issues (anymore). I am not insecure or depressed. I'm not stressed. I'm mentally stable. I don’t eat chocolate to fill a void or because I’m a piggy. The reason I crave the crap is because I was born that way and I LIKE THE WAY SUGAR TASTES IN MY MOUTH.
That being said, I am calling a hypnotist tomorrow because I think that’s the only way I can be fixed!
Stay tuned....
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
~Sliver~ : A blog for the little boy who stole my heart
Five years ago today I allowed a delicate sliver of my heart to slip away from me. I released it and let it carry on outside my body and dwell beside the heart of a precious little baby boy named Landon Anthony Schmidt.
I could feel this tiny sliver of my heart continue to beat outside my body even though I knew this surreal emotion could potentially change everything I deemed to be true about the structure of my mind and soul. I was unaware that a miracle could be so strong that it could literally pull a piece of your heart out of your body, form it into a string of love and wrap it around the heart of another human being like an unbreakable knot of strength. It happened without even trying. A sliver of my heart no longer belonged to me, it would be taken forever by this new born soul and create a beat of it’s own. I could feel that sliver beam with anticipation and dance with wonderment for the unknown.
Giving away a sliver of my heart made me aware that I was no longer responsible just for me. Nothing is this world would ever be about ME again because nothing in the world mattered but HIM.
This sliver of my heart was to be permanently detached for all eternity from it’s home. Everywhere that little boy went, that piece of my heart tagged along. It cried when he cried, it laughed when he laughed. It almost burst the first time he walked and it nearly broke the first time he got a fever. That sliver of my heart sometimes felt like it had attached itself to an emotional roller coaster that heaved along the ups and downs without choice or control. But it protected the heart that was HIS. It felt like a sliver of armor at times. A blanket of love that draped itself around the tip of his heart like a shall. It would never leave him.
This sliver has now been with him for 5 years, although it is no longer just a sliver. It feels like he owns every fiber of my heart. Every ounce of love that my soul is capable of is inevitably consumed in the rhythmic breaths of his life. More and more of my heart has been given away with every passing moment. With every hug, every kiss, every “I love soooooo much mommy”, more and more slices of my heart slip into his. He has promised that he’ll let me kiss the back of his neck 100 times in a row FOREVER if I want to. He promises me that he’ll let me rock him back and forth FOREVER and hold him like a baby for as long as I can lift him. He says I can tuck him in until he’s 20 and he says he’ll always give me the last bite of his ice cream sandwich FOREVER because “he knows how you like the last bite when it’s all melty.” My heart swells up like a helium balloon and floats right outside of my chest and into his. Every day. I want to pause time, rewind moments, and just SNUGGLE for 5 years or so....
A sliver of my heart slipped into the palm of his hand that very moment he wrapped his little warm fingers around my pinky in that hospital bed and it will stay there whether he’s 5 or 50. He has me wrapped around his existence like a string and I wouldn’t want to be tied to anything else in the world but the beating heart of my brown eyed little boy.
I could feel this tiny sliver of my heart continue to beat outside my body even though I knew this surreal emotion could potentially change everything I deemed to be true about the structure of my mind and soul. I was unaware that a miracle could be so strong that it could literally pull a piece of your heart out of your body, form it into a string of love and wrap it around the heart of another human being like an unbreakable knot of strength. It happened without even trying. A sliver of my heart no longer belonged to me, it would be taken forever by this new born soul and create a beat of it’s own. I could feel that sliver beam with anticipation and dance with wonderment for the unknown.
Giving away a sliver of my heart made me aware that I was no longer responsible just for me. Nothing is this world would ever be about ME again because nothing in the world mattered but HIM.
This sliver of my heart was to be permanently detached for all eternity from it’s home. Everywhere that little boy went, that piece of my heart tagged along. It cried when he cried, it laughed when he laughed. It almost burst the first time he walked and it nearly broke the first time he got a fever. That sliver of my heart sometimes felt like it had attached itself to an emotional roller coaster that heaved along the ups and downs without choice or control. But it protected the heart that was HIS. It felt like a sliver of armor at times. A blanket of love that draped itself around the tip of his heart like a shall. It would never leave him.
This sliver has now been with him for 5 years, although it is no longer just a sliver. It feels like he owns every fiber of my heart. Every ounce of love that my soul is capable of is inevitably consumed in the rhythmic breaths of his life. More and more of my heart has been given away with every passing moment. With every hug, every kiss, every “I love soooooo much mommy”, more and more slices of my heart slip into his. He has promised that he’ll let me kiss the back of his neck 100 times in a row FOREVER if I want to. He promises me that he’ll let me rock him back and forth FOREVER and hold him like a baby for as long as I can lift him. He says I can tuck him in until he’s 20 and he says he’ll always give me the last bite of his ice cream sandwich FOREVER because “he knows how you like the last bite when it’s all melty.” My heart swells up like a helium balloon and floats right outside of my chest and into his. Every day. I want to pause time, rewind moments, and just SNUGGLE for 5 years or so....
A sliver of my heart slipped into the palm of his hand that very moment he wrapped his little warm fingers around my pinky in that hospital bed and it will stay there whether he’s 5 or 50. He has me wrapped around his existence like a string and I wouldn’t want to be tied to anything else in the world but the beating heart of my brown eyed little boy.
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